Too informal for a UC Personal Statement?

<p>Hey there, I was just wondering if my personal statement (UC Prompt #2) was a tad too unrefined to submit. Any chance someone could give it a quick look over?</p>

<p>Here it is:</p>

<p>I can't turn back. Not now, not after all the training, the blood and the sweat that I poured into preparing for this championship race. I feel the all too familiar sense of nervousness come about me, weighing my limbs down as if they were made of lead. It knows where all my weakest points are and deliberately sabotages them. But this is not surprising. It's happened every race, every time I've ever set foot on to a course. However, no matter how many times I try to visualize their inexistence, the nerves always appear to prove me wrong. I attempt to go through drills, stretches, anything to take my mind off of the heavy weight atop my shoulders. No effect. Five minutes. The teams begin to mobilize on the starting line. Along the line, the uniforms of the competition begin to blur together, into an army of sorts, that I am ill-equipped to take on.</p>

<p>In that moment of vulnerability and despair, I remember. I look to my left; Cameron. I look to my right; Andrew. Two minutes. I remember why I'm here. Not to fulfill my parents' expectations, not for personal glorification. I'm here to strive for the success of my team, the triumph of my brothers. And that's all the reason I need. The weight begins to lift. One minute. My muscles tense. The weight slowly lifts in tandem with the gun in the starting official's hand. Seconds left. In that small space of time, I remind myself to disregard all my fears, doubts, misgivings, and give my all to the first push when that gun goes off; for my comrades, for my brothers.</p>

<p>He squeezes the trigger.</p>

<p>The gun fires.</p>

<p>I push.</p>

<p>In future, don’t post your essay online. People can copy the parts they like, or the idea, or the admissions can google and find it and wonder if it is yours…</p>

<p>Go to the College Essay forum and ask for readers. You can PM it to them.</p>

<p>It isn’t a problem of being unrefined to me. It is just a story. I personally think that this essay can be addressed more directly and not as a story. Or maybe a snippet of a story embedded within the essay.</p>

<p>“Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?”</p>

<p>We can infer that you feel your accomplishment in (track?, racing?) is important. But there is no analysis here, you don’t answer the second sentence of the prompt at all.</p>

<p>As a story, it isn’t very revealing of you personally. It is a “generic athlete” piece. I think they are really asking for something more personal here. The my comrades, my brothers stuff is a bit too much for me.</p>