<p>Such a weird topic, I know.
I teach in a college. It's about one of my (ex) favorite students. He had been a straight A student for about 2.5 years. I was his advisor. He has ADHD and had been taking pills. He is going to college with full scholarship. He is a very talkative guy, outgoing, intelligent, and fun.
Last fall he failed all four courses he was taking from me, including an independent study. Finally with special request he was allowed by the Dean to withdraw all but one GED course, and switched major. I didn't hear from him since then, was always wondering.
Then a week ago I got a email from him, telling me he decided to be a woman. He changed his name, and is seeking a place to do surgery. He politely requested all his professors to call him by his female name and address him as her. I haven't seen him but I've heard he looked like a her. </p>
<p>Yes you can imagine how I feel. </p>
<p>Then a few days ago (s)he asked me to write him a recommendation letter to a very competitive summer internship.
Last summer I referred him to an intern position. That was when he was still an outstanding student, with apparent ADD disposition.
This time I told her I don't feel conformable to write her a letter because the last thing I knew about her was (s)he performed poorly in all my classes. I can't see her being a responsible person. I do not want this letter to be the last recommendation letter that I can send with good conscience and received with good credit. She insisted me writing the letter. The professors from whom she's taking classes from share my concern. They all said pretty much the same thing to her. </p>
<p>She is not yet 24 years old. he used to be a brilliant student!! I feel the pain in my heart to think about this. I hate to turn my back to her. But I'd also feel terrible if I recommend someone who can't take responsibility to a professional organization. </p>
<p>Her situation now is: She hasn't officially changed her name yet, no surgery has been done. But I've heard she dressed like a woman and with make up on and all that. I don't know if she has been to school counseling yet. But it looks like her mind has made up. She is the only child in her family. I can only imagine how her parents are feeling. </p>
<p>I'd really appreciate to hear some of your thoughts. </p>
<p>PS, Sorry if there's gender mess-up in this post, you know why...</p>
<p>No, I really can’t. You had a “brilliant” student who hit a rough patch in her life, and presumably, her work suffered accordingly. Now that she’s resolved that issue (one that probably caused her enormous pain and confusion) and moved forward with her life, you don’t want to write her a recommendation letter (and from your post, it appears as though your “broken heart” is from her sex change, not her academic performance).</p>
<p>Bottom line, if a brilliant student had a rough term because of a family member passing away, would you still write her a recommendation letter? </p>
<p>Some might, and others wouldn’t. You could write a letter explaining the situation (student did excellent, student dipped, student now appears to be doing better) – it would be honest and representative of her work.</p>
Actually I am not sure how you feel. Is the student and “ex” favorite because of the problems in your classes or because of the transgender issue? Your post seems to imply the latter. </p>
<p>Your decision about writing the recommendation should be based on the student’s work performance - If you are reluctant to write a recommendation because of that then tell the student that. </p>
<p>If it is solely because of the trans gender issues then I think you should take that out of the equation. </p>
<p>
Hopefully they are parents who love their child. Either way, nothing to do with your writing or not writing a recommendation letter.</p>
<p>You have known this person for a long time, and always had a good opinion. Imagine what last year was like for her, going through all these changes, making a very difficult decision on how to deal with a very difficult emotional/physical issue. It’s not surprising that she had an awful year at school last year! You now know the reason why. </p>
<p>Regardless of your personal opinion about transgender issues, I’m not clear why you see this person as irresponsible now. She is doing what she believes is the responsible thing and starting to live her life as the person she feels she really is. It’s an incredibly difficult decision, and I’m sure one that was not made lightly. As you said she’s been on medication for ADHD, and is therefore likely being seen by a professional who is also helping her deal with gender-identity. </p>
<p>She didn’t become irresponsible just because she’s dressing as a woman now. She didn’t become less a brilliant student because she’s dressing as a woman now. She didn’t become less motivated to do a good job and become successful because she’s dressing as a woman now. I’m not sure she deserves to be anything less than one of your favorite students just because she’s dressing as a woman now.</p>
<p>Ask yourself what is the “real” reason you hesitate to write her a recommendation. Is it because you really don’t trust her, or because you’re just kinda freaked out about the gender change? My feeling is that you owe her the benefit of the doubt, and should meet with her face-to-face. Don’t rely on other people to tell you what’s going on. Go someplace private for a cup of coffee, or for a nice long walk, and get comfortable with <em>her</em>. You will likely find that she is the same wonderful person you’ve always known, just with a different appearance. She is trying to get on with her life, and needs and deserves the support of people like you who were there for “him” in the past. I think you should keep an open mind.</p>
<p>OP said: “This time I told her I don’t feel conformable to write her a letter because the last thing I knew about her was (s)he performed poorly in all my classes. I can’t see her being a responsible person.”</p>
<p>So you don’t feel comfortable describing your former student’s entire experience because the latest experiences weren’t so good? As long as that’s you usual way of doing things, that’s fine. </p>
<p>Alternatively, you could instead write what happened and be less conclusionary :
1- was an excellent student; you had a lot of respect for per
2- unfortunately, student’s last performance was poor<br>
3- student is now asking for a recommendation and you want to relay both the good and the bad performance, and urge the receiver of the recommendation to speak with the student about this
4- you wish you had more recent experience to relate but, alas, have none</p>
<p>Your post indicates you are uncomfortable with this trans student, and I wonder if that personal issue is driving you away from facts as you know them? It makes me wonder if that person weren’t trans whether you would still discount the previous performance as much as you are doing now. Your post indicates that you thought the poor performance was out of character, yet you also seem to believe that it is a more accurate descriptor of that person. Do you see that as a disconnect?</p>
<p>On another topic, I think your Empathy meter is registering fairly low values. Can you imagine the stress of a trans person coming to grips with who they are? Do you wonder whether this existential “am I male or female” had anything to do with the last classroom performance you saw? I’m not trying to excuse the facts of her performance -poor is poor - but I am trying to add context that may influence your conclusion that she is not a “responsible person.”</p>
<p>I also applaud you for writing and describing this situation. It helps bring trans issues into the light.</p>
<p>I agree that the OP sounds like a ■■■■■. How can this student have been taking classes from a college professor last year but still taking a GED class? (am I missing something here?) If the student was in high school last year, where does switching majors fit in? BUT…who cares? It’s an interesting topic and a good one to see discussed here, imo. And am I the only one who finds some irony in the OP’s nick and the topic of this thread? :D</p>
<p>No it’s not a ■■■■■. I’m glad though some of you pointed out my prejudice.
I know I shouldn’t and the discomfort about the letter, strictly speaking, is not because of transgender but because of the extremely poor performance in the fall semester. </p>
<p>It’s a learning experience. Thank you all.
I just had a conversation with the student. I feel better after that and I feel better (even though some words are harsh) after hearing from you all.</p>
<p>I hope your student feels better now too. I applaud you posting in the first place, and for reading what we’ve all said. I hope my words weren’t too harsh, and I apologize if they were. Please let us know what you decide in terms of writing the recommendation.</p>
<p>Kei-O-Lei, thank you so much for the suggestions about the letter. That’s the reason I posted this here. I really need suggestions. Believe it or not, if I’m prejudiced, I haven’t got much criticism before you guys. The people I talked to around me are more prejudiced than I am. I actually feel MUCH better after getting reprimanded here. It’s actually a relief.</p>
<p>OP, you say that the student is “irresponsible,” but you don’t describe an irresponsible student. This student was doing wonderfully for a good long time, and then suddenly she had a personal crisis (something-- she realized she couldn’t live a lie any longer, maybe there was serious depression, we don’t know what happened but clearly it was serious) and her grades plummeted. Now she has apparently dealt with the crisis and is moving on.</p>
<p>Do you always say that an excellent student who has a bad semester because of a personal crisis is “irresponsible”? If I were on the committee picking the summer interns, I wouldn’t look at the situation that way.</p>
<p>The problem is she is still not doing well. a little better but not well. (Cs, instead of Fs. He used to get As.) That’s why all the profs turned her down. I’m debating because of the past. You’re right I’ve known her for a long time, longer than other profs. I’m nervous because what if she goes there and does not show excellence. I think the thing to do is to be honest in my rec letter and it’s a good idea to suggest an interview. </p>
<p>Thanks all. This is really a learning experience for me.</p>
<p>The only valid reason for stating in your post that this person is a transgender, or in the process, is if it had an impact on failing the courses due to the emotional distress she was likely going through at the time. Outside of that it’s not pertinent to your questions. But assume that the timing is such that her decision to switch, which was likely very emotional for her, impacted her performance and that’s why she failed - would that influence your decision to write a rec letter - i.e. understanding that this external event caused the issues as opposed to a ‘lack of responsibility’ or capability? What if she had had an emotional breakdown at that time instead - would that make a difference to how you viewed this? What if she had an illness at that time that caused her to bomb the classes - would that change your view?</p>
<p>If you don’t feel comfortable writing the letter of rec based on her current grades and performance then you shouldn’t do it. Just explain to her why you don’t feel that you can write a letter of rec at this time and that it’s due to her current grades and perfomance (and avoid even mentioning the gender subject since it’s not relevant if you’re basing your decision on current performance).</p>
<p>btw - you should refer to her as ‘her’, the gender she identifies with. There’s no need for double-gendering this with “his(her)”, etc. and I’m sure she’d appreciate it if you were consistent in using the proper gender identity in your communications with her and in any rec letters - it’s not that hard if you try and proofread what you write.</p>
<p>I am glad that you went back and spoke to the student about your concerns. It seems to me that you are feeling confused about the trans-gender issue. I would suggest that you do some reading about the subject, as this student may have been put into your path to give you a better understanding of the issues she faces. </p>
<p>If you write her a recommendation and she does not “show excellence”, what do you think is going to happen? As long as you are honest in your recommendation then there should be no repercussions against you.</p>
<p>The student was excellent, hit a rough patch, and still seems to be in the process of recovering. I, too, would be hesitant to write a recommendation in this circumstance. </p>
<p>It is also difficult to write a recommendation because the rough patch that was described is one many people are prejudiced against/employers may be uncomfortable with/etc. So, it becomes hard to explain the situation fully without potentially hurting the student.</p>
<p>I hope that in her discussion with the student the OP has resolved any issues about how to write the recommendation. Perhaps she should warn student that the rec cannot be entirely favorable at this time, due to the fact that she seems to still be struggling, though improving.</p>
<p>If student is still interested in the rec that tells the whole scheme and trend of academic performance, then I suppose OP can go ahead. Otherwise student has the option to politely decline. </p>
<p>But in either case I do believe that the OP should tell the truth - was a fantastic student, is clearly smart, clearly cares, hit a rough patch that would derail anyone, tanked, and seems to be recovering though may not still be up to par with prior performance.</p>
<p>Am I the only one wondering if her grades are still not as high as they used to be because of a ‘backlash’ or lack of acceptance, especially by the other Professors? We’re only seeing one teacher act ‘concernced’ about this- there could be several others who are focusing more on her being transgendered and less on the fact that she had a personal crisis and had to withdraw to deal with it. </p>
<p>On the one hand, I think the OP knows that she can, and has the capacity to do high levels of work, and is a good mind. On the other, if OP is going to say something prejudiced in her recommendation; saying anything about her gender rather than “She had trouble, but overcame it” (if that), I would feel better if the OP didn’t give a recommendation at all. It would probably end up hurting more than helping if the Professor wrote/mentioned such things.</p>
<p>Either she was a good student, and you know she’s smart and capable, but hit a rough spot, or her gender is clouding your thoughts, or she’s not a good student. (You said she was quite smart before, however.)</p>
<p>I’m just seconding the fact that her current or previous gender is irrelevant except as a reason why she was going through a tumultous time.</p>
I hope this is a ■■■■■.</p>
I applaud you posting in the first place, and for reading what we’ve all said. I hope my words weren’t too harsh, and I apologize if they were. Please let us know what you decide in terms of writing the recommendation.</p>