Transfer Anxiety

Parents Forum
1

I’ve posted about this a lot lately but nothing has really changed, and I’m still unsure about how to handle the situation

I moved from a tiny hometown to a small liberal arts college about an hour and a half away. And I’ve regretted it.

At orientation I didn’t really click with anyone and felt out of place but I chalked it up to nerves, and not having the change to really get settled.

On Move-In day, I puked in the parking lot because I absolutely did not want my parents to leave me.

Every day since (I’ve been here about two months) I’ve been sick (I didn’t eat at all the first two weeks), and cried often. I have panic attacks, which I’ve never had before. I diligently do my homework but when I’m finished I have breakdowns. I’ve joined a few clubs and made a few friends but nothing seems to make me feel better.

There’s a very big stigma on Greek life and partying here. I sat in an upperclassman question forum, and it was dominated by ‘these are the gas stations and restaurants that will accept fake ID’s’ and ‘these are the RA’s that won’t bust you’ etc. And I don’t party–at all. I don’t have a desire to. I know that there are other people on campus who feel this way too though.

It isn’t dorm life I hate. I made my room cute and functional and it’s big enough to not make me miserable. My building is new. My roommate isn’t my favorite person on the planet but we get along-she just gets under my skin sometimes.

I’ve gone home every weekend since I moved in. I tried to stay, but the thought of it made me physically sick. I went home this Wednesday for a funeral, with the intent of coming back Wednesday night for my 8AM class on Thursday. I had a panic attack for an hour first in my living room, then in my driveway as I tried to leave. I stayed home last night, woke up at 6:00 this morning to drive back. I’m going home tomorrow after my last class.

I came from a really small town, with a very tight close knit group of friends. They all stayed at the university about 20 minutes away from where we live. I’m close with my parents. I also have a long-term boyfriend at home. I miss them a lot but everyone has been super accommodating–they’ll come visit me and talk to me on the phone. They aren’t pressuring me to do anything, they all want what’s best.

I honestly don’t know what the issue is. It’s beautiful here-when I’m just walking around from class to class I like it. But I panic at the thought of being here for four years. I don’t have the close knit friend group I had at home, I’ve known them since preschool. I’ve made friends though.

I’ve applied and been accepted as a transfer at the college near my hometown. I’ve even paid the deposit just to secure my spot for next semester. But I don’t want to regret it. The thought of having to spend another semester this unhappy, lonely, and homesick sends me into breakdowns. I’m not being dramatic when I say that either–I’m talking serious panic attacks. And I’ve never had them before.

I also don’t want to disappoint anyone at home. My parents insist they want what’s best for me. My friends would love for me to come home. But I’ll be eating my words because last year I refused to even apply to the hometown university because I wanted to “Get out of Clermont”. Now I can’t think of anything EXCEPT home.

Basically, I don’t know what to do. I loved this place when it was just “where I’m headed in the fall” but now I’m thinking I made the wrong choice.

2

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Please make an appointment with the counseling center right away. I suggest you go to a doctor immediately, explain this post, and ask for medication. There is help for you. What you are experiencing is not the usual freshman jitters. Tell your parents what has been happening. Take care of your mental health. If you think you can get through the rest of the semester, then try to stick it out and maintain your grades. If you can’t, go to the Dean and ask for a medical withdrawal. You seem depressed and anxious. This is a chemical imbalance in your brain.

Meantime, read this, as you might take some comfort from it: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc.html#latest

As a means to explain what’s happened, I think it’s never a good idea to go home a lot, especially early on, and especially on weekends. By going home on the weekends, when you finally have a chance to relax and meet people, you are limiting your chances to immerse yourself in the college experience. Perhaps you got yourself too worried about adult responsibilities to enjoy actually becoming an adult. Being away at college does mean taking on some new responsibilities. Maybe you simply are not ready to do that. It sounds like you are at a point where you can’t really function, and I think you need to be home so you can get the help you need.

Whatever happens, and until you leave the college, please remind yourself that this is not permanent. It seems like maybe you freaked yourself out a bit with the idea of “leaving home”, but the reality is that you are really close to home and your family is always going to be there for you, even if you don’t see them for a few days or weeks. No one is going to forget you. You may even find that with medication and counseling you might want to stay. Just take it a day at time and don’t focus on weeks or months. Best of luck to you.

1 Like
3

So you are homesick, it happens. That is the issue. Not once did you say you wanted to try to work through this. What I hear OP, is you are a small town student who probably didn’t have many life experiences before colleges (trips or adventures on your own, etc.) that is finding college to be more of a change than you can handle or want to handle. An hour and a half is still considered close so apparently you don’t like being away at all. I don’t understand the quick jump to medication unless it is just a minor anti anxiety solution, but sticking kids on medication is a huge deal. I don’t hear depression, I am reading about a student that is overwhelmed. OP if all the change is too much or you just don’t like it, then transfer back home. Pride is getting in your way of what you clearly want to do. Five minutes after you are home, all that worry about what people will think will vanish. If your small town world is where you want to be and spend your time, so be it. Make it happen and don’t look back. Zillions of kids change for whatever reason, it’s ok.

4

Clearly, this transition didn’t go well. One of the problems may have been that you went home every weekend while those who stuck around and spent their free time together became closer friends.

But, no matter where you go, there you are. You’re that same kid who’s been scared and having panic attacks regardless of which school you are attending. Your mind may have picked up some bad behavior patterns this year, and you may still be on shaky emotional ground even if you transfer to the school that “everyone else” went to.

Regardless of whether you decide to transfer or stay, it is to your benefit to seek counseling.

5

Whole lot of growing up to do.

6

What is the downside of transferring? Sounds like you’d be fine at the other school. Why suffer?

7

First, I think it is fine to transfer and you will probably be happy.

However, it is only October and I have seen many kids in an anxiety state or depressed at this point in freshman year.

You have a solution: going to the school near home. Would you live at home? I would consider this training wheels for adulthood: you are not ready for the bike yet, an this is fine, even natural if you come from a close-knit family and friends. It’s FINE.

If you really think you may have regrets, then do some things that will make you feel more certain. I have always thought that going home for weekends is fine at first. But now, if you want to be certain the place is not for you, try to stay for some weekends. This will reorient your sense of “home.”

See a counselor to talk about all this. That will also increase the sense of “home” in that you will have a safe person to talk to.

The physical symptoms you are having, like vomiting, and the extreme panic attacks, are absolutely not mere homesickness and you are so right to recognize them as such. “Jumping to medication” is a good idea for a short period of time. It can enable you to function and access other resources. Noone should have to suffer panic attacks. They are horrible and each one makes the next one more likely because panic feeds on panic. Meds will break the cycle.

You can also try exercise, yoga, Tai Chi, meditation, tapping (look up RFT), Reiki and other modalities to deal with your feelings- with or without meds.

If you try these things (not going home much, counseling, maybe meds) and still want to transfer, go for it with your whole heart. Use the time at the university near your home to develop and grow, and you can go away for grad school. Or stay close to home. I know plenty of kids in our small town who stay close to home, work, see their families and long time friends, and have wonderful lives.

In my opinion , our culture overvalues independence. I think it I wonderful that you are so close to your family and friends.

ps if you see a counselor and decide not to stay for the rest of this semester, that is also okay…but make sure the counselor gives you documentation and try to get a medical withdrawal for the semester. This should wipe grades clean and avoid W’s on your transcript.

8

what do panic attacks have to do with immaturity? I’d like to consider myself a relatively mature person. I’ve had the same job since I was 15, maintained grades, pay for most of my own expenses, and carried my weight when I did live at home. I don’t miss home because I missed my mom doing my laundry or my dad packing my lunch. I just miss my mom and dad. I don’t miss my boyfriend paying for my meals, I miss my boyfriend. Homesickness happens to lots of ADULTS and ‘needing to grow up’ isn’t my issue.

9

I do appreciate the rest of your comments though. It’s comforting to know that it’s okay to want to stay at home. My entire life all I’ve wanted to do is raise a family and teach at the elementary school that I grew up at. I thought going away to school would give me a change to experience things I wouldn’t otherwise get to, but once I got here I realized that there wasn’t anything going on here that I couldn’t get at home. In fact, there was less. I’ve talked to my doctor about the situation and I’ve been prescribed medicine to help stop the vomiting. I’ve also met a few other students here that are transferring out after the spring semester for numerous reasons. It’s comforting to find that I’m not the only one that’s gone through this.