I’ve been feeling really homesick at university, even though my parents are only roughly 2 hours away and they’re able to come up (or I can go visit) about every 2 weeks. I keep in touch by Skyping wit them every night, but I still get overwhelmed with homesickness sometimes, especially when they leave after a visit. The current school I’m at costs me about 26 000 a year, but I already turned down my home university last year that offered me a scholarship, so I’ve also been feeling an incredible amount of guilt due to all the costs. My parents have assured me that they’re able to pay it (and will do so happily), but I feel badly about it and have not been doing well here and I’m not sure I enjoy my program.
I’ve joined a few clubs around here, but I just can’t shake off the guilt and the fact that I don’t like this city as much as I did back home. Added to that of course, is the fact that my parents are no longer with me. My best friend has already (seemingly) gotten over her homesickness yet I feel stuck and overwhelmed and I’m not sure how to cope with it.
How should I go about dealing with my homesickness and my thoughts about transferring universities? I’ve been thinking that I should at least give it a full year before I make any decisions, but being away from my parents is just incredibly hard sometimes and I feel like I’m going to cry pretty often.
(I just really miss my parents and feel incredibly stupid in such a competitive university full of brilliant people)
Seek help at the counseling center at the school – I’m sure they have seen this before and probably have some good ideas to help you combat your homesickness. I’d hate for you to leave a top notch school without giving yourself every chance to make the adjustment to college.
As hard as this might be…maybe going home or having yoir parents visit less frequently might help. At this point, you are still relying on those visits. Perhaps if you are on your own at school more, you will become more invested in your friends, clubs, and things happening there.
What Is it that you miss? A comfortable place? Make sure you make your room that. There are ways to make it more private. Talking to your parents? You can do that one or two times a week. Not really knowing anyone? All first years are in the same boat. They too are anxious to make new friends.
Give it a semester or preferably two. If you are still unhappy, transfer. Your well being is most important.
Homesickness is a type of grieving. You are grieving the official end of your childhood, the requirement to take on adulthood, and the reality that your never going to be a kid again under your parent’s care. Grieving is part of the transition that you are going through, and everybody does it at their own pace. The fact that your friend seems to be getting over her homesickness has little to do with how you will go through your own grief process. You are grieving because you feel loved. That’s a wonderful thing.
The reality is that even if you go back home, you have changed toward that adult woman, and your parents have changed toward parents of an adult child. So the childhood experience that was wonderful and you are missing will not be the same. That’s not to say that you still might find yourself happier making a different choice by transferring to a school closer to home, but think hard about making that choice after you really give the school you are at a focused try.
Everyone here has given you excellent advice. I will just add that I really feel for this generation because I think, as nice as today’s technology is, it makes it harder for you. I was you when I went to college. So very homesick. If I had the ability to text, call, skype and even see my parents every two weeks I don’t think I would have ever adjusted. It was too expensive to call any more often than every 10 days to two weeks and I was just a bit too far to go home more than maybe once a semester in addition to the breaks. By having the distance with no technology, I think it forced me to make that separation and begin to rely on my new environment for my needs. I think you are very wise to give it the first year. You may feel completely different by Christmas. Try to focus on the present and take it one day at a time. You’re doing a great job - keep it up!
In the freshman dorms of each of my three kids, I noticed that the holiday season the first year is the height of homesickness. There were many students who said they were going to return home, who ended up thriving and graduating. That said, it is okay to transfer and go back home if, after the first year, you really are still unhappy. I think about a third of students really aren’t ready to leave home emotionally.
Also, I hate to say this, but 82% of college grads are living at home (sorry can’t cite, read it recently) so this really isn’t the end of living at home, most likely.
But, yes, it will never be the same, and that is indeed sad- but also happy because it is growth.
The question of how much to see your parents really depends. For some, frequent visits and contact is like training wheels and the need gradually fades. I would say do what you need, but make sure you really need it. Try to get through some period of time without relying on your parents if that helps, but don’t pressure yourself while you are feeling vulnerable.
This is not a pathological state. What you are experiencing is normal and common, but painful. You can visit a counselor but remember this not a condition, only an emotion. Many schools have groups for students who are feeling this way and that might help.
You will go home and then return to school. Expect that to be hard. Get through it and see what the spring brings for you. Humans do adjust and you may actually blossom. If you plan on leaving, that might interfere with that adjustment and blossoming so try to commit if you can.
All excellent advice above and I hope you will consider the advice. One thing I picked up on was at the end you mentioned being intimidated being at a competitive university with such brilliant people. Feeling inferior to your peers is probably playing a big part into wanting to go home where it is safe and comfortable and you don’t feel intimidated by those around you. You were accepted to that school just like they were. Don’t let your feelings of intimidation push you to leave. Consider taking up running, an exercise program or vigorous walks around campus because exercise helps clear the mind and make us feel better. Guaranteed there are many people feeling the same way as you are right now. You are not stupid and you have to stop telling yourself that. Once you feel like you fit in, the homesickness will subside some. You obviously have a strong support system at home. They will always be there when you need them. The best way to get over your guilt of the tuition your parents are paying is to make the most of the experience. Also know, so that you don’t feel like you are out of the norm on this, there are some highly selective schools, like MIT for example, that have P/F as first semester grades because it is such a huge adjustment. Good luck.
Seek some assistance and take to heart the fact that there are others who have also had a difficult time adjusting. My sons have both had a high school teacher who advises his seniors that they could need until Thanksgiving before finding their footing at college. I realize you are almost there, but stay the course and use the advice you have been given here. If complete strangers on a message board are concerned for you, know that people at your university are as well.