Transfer: Moving On

Parents Forum
21

<p>and a quick counterpoint... sometimes it really isn't the school, sometimes it's your kid! I meet lots of adults who tell me that they weren't truly ready for college but ended up going because that's what everyone else did... they either transferred, took time off, did poorly, did well but hated it, or some variation thereof. There's no shame in being a late bloomer, but in our winner takes all society, parents get points for being able to shove little Sally or Billy out of the nest to Harvard at age 18 where they become editor of the crimson and do award-winning cancer research all by second semester of Freshman year.</p>

<p>As I always preach... love the kid you have. Not everyone makes a seamless transition, not everyone loves college, I'm sure you've all met successful adults who experienced a lot of misery or loneliness in college and they've managed to get past it. IT's ok if your kid isn't a poster child for their school, as long as you're on top of things and are ruling out a major depression, addiction, other dangerous situations.</p>

22

<br>


<br>

<p>I think the biggest problem high school kids have with college selection is that they view the world through their high school glasses and don't understand that those glasses will be tossed aside in September.</p>

<p>Perhaps the biggest assistance parents can provide is to talk openly about what the college experience is really like, laying out the real-world pluses and minuses that will be encountered. Even on the little things like the reality of getting home from college for Thanksgiving weekend.</p>

<p>The thing that is toughest for kids to project is that their high-school "scene" will be ancient history, replaced by a new and very different "scene" in college. To me, this is really the benefit of doing at least one overnight at a college somewhere in the fall.</p>

23

<p>I also initially encouraged my daughter to apply to small schools. But after her visits to several small ones in NC she said NO WAY she wanted big. I was fearful at first that she would get lost. But she loves it! Absolutely loves UMDCP! And though the numbers are big they have so many different activities, groups, this and that..you can find your niche. She was lucky and met a group at orientation that clicked with her. Now they go to meals together, the gym, games etc. Plus she is still scoring the straight A's she had in HS so she is managing her time well.
I am so lucky! And my pocketbook loves it!</p>

24

<p>It's very cool that your D isn't afraid to make a change when she figures out something isn't right for her. It's a good life lesson. Some people ride something to the ground unnecessarily simply for lack of guts. Not your D! Did you read the poster SLCbug's posts on CC last year about transferring from Sarah Lawrence to Cornell? She was so anxious to make the move and seemed pretty happy once she made her switch.</p>

25

<p>I remember wanting to leave my University the VERY first day I arrived there. That was 25 years ago. I stayed all 4 years (transferring wasn't popular back then) and it was a mistake I've regretted ever since. Live and learn, nothing wrong with that at all. It does point out, though, the risk of parents who are too heavily involved in the whole process for their kids. Somehow it can end up feeling like we've failed.</p>

26

<p>I'm very glad that your D/S had such supportive parents! My parents, on the other hand, are very hard-selling the college that I am at now. Sometimes I feel that the town is too isolated and the nearby towns take all day to travel by public transportation. Sometimes I feel that the culture here and I just don't click. Basically, everything except for the academics doesn't click perfectly or close to well with me. I have talked about going to school in a city such as DC and NYC and my parents refused to listen to me. </p>

<p>Bottom line: They will never suggest transferring because of this school's reputation, academic programs, close interaction with professors (and the lack of TA's), and internship opportunities. They don't care about what happens here relating to non-academic stuff. Quite frustrating but I am thinking about graduating early just because I find myself wanting to get out of college and see the world (Two times, I have cried and begged to stay home instead of going back!). </p>

<p>Really, how did your children just "know" that the place wasn't for them? How did you learn to accept it?</p>

27

<p>Ticklemepink-
I think the retention and graduation statistics for many top schools are inflated by the fact that once people get in, they are not willing to risk a change as they might have to "give up" reputation, prestige, etc.. to do so. Your parents might be risk averse that way. Have you done a semester abroad or at another school? Might that be a "bandaid" to get you over the hump with your current school (what year are you?)? </p>

<p>Most parents do not want to see their child miserable. Is there another adult in your family or friend circle who might be able to advocate for you with your parents? </p>

<p>A question you might pose to your parents, given that they feel the way they do...Is there anything they could hear from you that would make them change their mind? This will give you an idea as to whether or not this is a completely done deal, or if there is something particular you could do to reassure them (like apply to transfer to and get accepted to a school of similar caliber).</p>

28

<p>ticklemepink: I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Your parents are taking a stand that we also thought about. After all, college is to get an education, right? We felt the same way about Dickinson as your parents feel about your school. However, we can't see our child be unhappy in a situation, especially when there's a relatively easy alternative. And, unlike your situation, we did tell her that if she tried Dickinson and didn't like it, she could transfer. I'm afraid that I don't have any advice for you beyond what's already been offered. Your parents aren't bad, they just want the best for you. Who's to say what's right in the end?</p>

29

<p>Our younger daughter spent her freshman year at her first choice college, a small, liberal arts school about two hours from home. Despite many visits to the campus prior to applying, she was absolutely miserable once she got there. The academics were a disappointment, her roommate situation was abysmal, and she just felt she didn't fit in socially with the mainstream campus culture. She applied to transfer to three schools about an hour from our home. Two of them were again small, liberal arts colleges but the third was a medium/large, urban, comprehensive university. She chose to attend the largest school and has been completely happy with her choice. She feels the academics are more challenging, has found a great niche of friends, and an administration that is much more sensitive to the needs of its students than the smaller school she attended last year.</p>

<p>While we were grateful that she is so much happier this year, it became even more important than she is now in a more supportive environment when her boyfriend of three years was killed in a car accident several weeks ago. I could not imagine how she would have gotten through the emotional turmoil of these last few weeks if she were still at her old school. </p>

<p>Just something for parents to think about. . . .college is more than just a classroom experience, it is a life experience.</p>

30

<p>Counselor: How terrible! My heart goes out to your daughter; what a heart-rending thing to deal with at that age (or any age). I can especially feel for you all because my husband's sister (my best friend) was also very recently killed in a car accident. It just seems so wrong.</p>

<p>My condolences and prayers to your family.</p>

31

<p>Ticklemepink: I’m sorry you’re so frustrated. I have a suggestion for you. When my parents and I were hopelessly deadlocked in trying to resolve a problem, I used to write them a letter clearly setting out my position on the matter. It often helped. Now, when emotions are high and important matters are at stake, my daughter and I do the same thing. We often write back and forth several times. In that way, we come to understand one another’s positions clearly and more importantly, any anger cools down. Eventually, we are able to talk.</p>

<p>Write your parents a letter. Explain to them why the culture and physical isolation at your current school just don’t work for you. Let them know some of the schools you’re thinking of transferring to and why those schools “fit”, talk in depth about the reputations of those schools (ok, highlight prestige, if that’s important to them) and show them why your academic opportunities at those schools will be equal to or better than the opportunities at your current school. Do your research before you write. When you commit your thoughts to writing, you have the chance to craft your argument in the most persuasive way possible. You can be sure it will be “heard” without interruption and that no shouting matches will erupt. I also think that if you take the time to commit your plan to paper, you'll show your parents how serious you are and how carefully you've considered this important decision. And as a side benefit, it’s also cathartic. Best of luck.</p>

32

<p>Thanks guys. I'm going to talk to the class dean about this. My friend supported me in the idea of using my AP credits to graduate early. He thinks there's nothing wrong with the situation since I'd be graduating from college that they want me at and I'd be getting out of this academic system sooner! It's really hard for me to seriously consider transfer because my SAT scores are so low (that it's amazing that my current college accepted me!) and it'd be hard for me to pull it up around 300 points. My high school GPA was plain B average... so... how is that going to work for my acceptance to "presitgious" colleges in DC? :)</p>

33

<p>just as an FYI:</p>

<p>Transfer admissions is quite different than freshman admissions - the college GPA and your essay on your reasons for wanting to transfer are more important than anything else in your application. SAT I's are given greater weight for those students who want to transfer after only a semester or two of college. If you want to transfer in as a junior, your college GPA is very, very important. I don't think they will look back at your high school GPA at all, at least not after you have completed more than one year of college.</p>

<p>Talking to your class dean sounds like a good idea, but talking to transfer admissions counselors at schools you might be interested in transferring to is also a good idea. Frankly we thought our daughter did not have much chance at all in being able to transfer and were quite surprised when she was accepted to two of the three schools to which she applied.</p>

<p>It breaks my heart as a mother to read that you cried and begged not to go back to school. Please try to convey to your parents how unhappy you are at your current school. If you are happy, you will be a better student. Good Luck!</p>

34

<p>Cldad, accolades for your sensitive and open minded handling of the situation. I have seen moves both ways from LACs to large state schools and vice versa, and sometimes kids transfer between similar schools. Just a mismatch between kid and school for no real reason you can pinpoint. I would not think a minute that you pushed her into the choice, because even if you did, it more often works out. That is not the cause of a mismatch- though it can be an additional factor.</p>

<p>Tickle, some of my kids complained about their colleges and made lots of transferring noises. I did not encourage them to transfer, but had they gone through the trouble of researching some alternatives that met their desires, applied to them , collected and sent all of the supporting paperwork needed and gotten accepted, I would not have raised a fuss about the transfer. It's just that it is now up to them. It would have to be pretty close to crisis mode for me to get involved in a college transfer. I help them through the process once, thank you, and the schools after that are their issues. It is one thing to discuss possibilities, another to discuss transferring with an acceptance letter from another college in hand and a list of reasons to make the transfer.</p>

35

<p>Counselor and Garland, my deepest sympathies over the loss of loved ones, particularly in such a tragic and unexpected circumstance. Counselor, it must be very difficult for your D right now. Thoughts to you both. </p>

<p>CLDad, I am sorry I never saw this thread before now. I was away for part of the holiday weekend. I think your D has taken an action here to deal with her situation and it is going to turn out well. I am glad you shared your story actually. When there was a thread asking about how your kids were doing freshman year, I hesitated to join in (joined late) because they were all happy smooth stories and admittedly, my own child is in love with her school and happier than we have ever seen her. I was worried about posting that, however, because that is not necessarily the norm. In fact, I think your D's story is very common and it is best that those stories ALSO be told. </p>

<p>In fact, over Thanksgiving, my D had a gathering of a dozen girls from her high school class over to our house, whom she had not seen since they all left for college. One friend, at St. Lawrence, who actually has an older sister who is a senior there but in Kenya this semester, sorta likes it but is considering transferring home and going to UVM (in our state but not in our town). I think she may not be adjusting to the social scene as much and misses being near to home. Mom is a single mom who is a guidance counselor in fact (dad, who was soccer coach to her and my D died about four years ago, actually tragically right at soccer practice with his D and the other girls right there). She has opted to stick out the rest of this year before deciding on that transfer. Another girl who is at Drake in Iowa apparently is thinking of transferring partly due to how far away it is. Another girl at UVM said her roommate dropped out after a month, did not like it. Then, while not my own D's friends, I know of some kids in her HS class at some lower level state colleges who do not like it and are thinking of leaving too. So, I have heard quite a few stories of this sort in my area too. </p>

<p>Kids are all so different. Some might have to do with adjustment issues. Some might have to do with whether the school was the right fit. Some might have to do with going where a parent has encouraged but it not being quite the school they wanted. Many reasons can be at the bottom of it but the main thing is not wallowing but doing something about it. </p>

<p>I can't explain why it has gone well for my kid. I can say that we never suggested any colleges to her but have simply been stand by support for the choices she has made. She researched the schools thoroughly, visited top choices twice including overnights, happens to be a very easygoing person, wanted all this so badly, has been away from home before, is easy to please, elements of the school seem like the perfect fit, etc. I have NO idea if any of these things played a part in why she is delighted with her school and freshman year. I do not doubt that she likely would have been just as happy at a number of other schools. Who knows. It does not make her situation any better than the next person's, only a little smoother or easier. The thing is your D has assessed her situation, has a better idea of what she wants or does not want and has taken action to move forward. Better yet, you have supported her all along the way and will continue to. So, it is a positive story. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

36

<p>Thanks, Susan. Between losing his grandfather right before school started, then his favorite aunt so suddenly, I've been amazed at how my S has been able to keep his head above water this semester. I think he may crash at Christmas.</p>

37

<p>Garland, I thought that way a bit last year at this time. The entire fall of my D's senior year, my Dad was dying of cancer (he died a year ago this week). He lived 7 hours from here. I was my D's support person in her college process. But I traveled to be with my dad at their house about every other week. She, too, came down three times. We were emailing back and forth over college stuff sometimes and on the phone. When she came down two of the times when I was there, we took a break to look over stuff on her laptop for colleges. Over Thanksgiving we were all there too. My dad worsened that weekend and so rather than coming home with my hubby and kids, I stayed on and he died the night they had just left. They had to return all the way back there. She had a overnight visit planned at Smith the next day that had involved numerous appointments lined up that I was to have taken her on but my hubby did it and took my other child too and they did the whole overnight on their way back to my parents for the funeral which was put off a couple days.</p>

<p>I had thought WITHOUT this going on in our lives that fall of senior year with 8 applications, some college trips and all the normal stuff she did to be a good student in rigorous courses and have a full EC plate would have been MORE than enough to handle but when added on was this situation, plus my being away a lot, and just all of it, made it even tougher. She pulled through it all. Your son will too. </p>

<p>One of my Dad's last words to me was asking if she had heard from her EA school yet (was confused on his last day). I only wish he knew how well things turned out for her. A couple weeks later in one of the many essay she wrote for Princeton in late Dec., I read a line she wrote that he had said to her when they parted that last weekend, again, he was at home, not bedridden but got confused on his final day, and he was confused with the time they parted on the previous visit when she was leaving to go back to VT for her soccer state playoffs. So he said this time by mistake, "good luck in the game". She wrote this very poignant essay to do with his influence but in it, she mentions how his words of "good luck in the game" on that last day, she took as "good luck in the game of life". </p>

<p>I am sure all this weighs heavily on your son now but take solace that these loved ones are in their spirit still. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

38

<p>Thank you SoozieVT for your kind words. This is a very difficult time for my daughter. She is having difficulty sleeping, concentrating, eating. . . .she calls home every night and cries to me on the phone for about an hour. I have suggested that she make an appointment at the university counseling center but she insists she doesn't have time. I only wish she was still under eighteen and then I could make her go! I'll work on her big time when she is home on break because it is going to be very hard for her to move on from this relationship. Her deceased boyfriend was an extraordinary young man with an engaging and unique personality, amazing intelligence, and an overall exuberance for life. This is going to be a long and difficult recovery.</p>

<p>So I reiterate that my husband and I are extremely grateful that she is not at the same school she attended last year. She was absolutely miserable every single moment on that campus, even when there were no difficulties in her personal or familial life. Why did our younger daughter end up making such a poor choice when her two siblings made such wonderful choices the first time around and were/are so extremely happy at their colleges (Wesleyan, MIT)? We did the college search process exactly the same with all three children. I think it has to do with the fact that the younger daughter had not done as much self-reflection as the other two. Knowing who you are and what your likes and dislikes are, helps you define what colleges will be a good fit.</p>

<p>The transfer process was difficult because it is truly difficult for anyone to do well academically when they are unhappy. We told our daughter, once she confessed her unhappiness to us, that we would support her desire to transfer, but cautioned her that she needed to keep her grades up. I remember that last spring with only about twelve days left in the semester, she called crying and said that she couldn't stand it one more day and she wanted to come home immediately. We jumped in the car and drove down and took her out for dinner, to get her off campus for a few hours, but took her back and told her that she must finish the school year as there was so much money involved.</p>

<p>When she finally received her decision letters she had been rejected (for the second time by her first choice, Tufts) but accepted to Brandeis and BC. As we are Jewish, my husband had never even been comfortable with her applying to BC so my daughter and I kind of did it behind his back. When we went to visit Brandeis, it just didn't really feel right to any of us. Almost as an afterthought, we decided to stop in at BC that afternoon. The experience we had there that day made us believe that BC would be the better choice for our daughter (even my husband was convinced).</p>

<p>Still as she headed off to school this year, we held our breath and hoped things would be better. It didn't help any that our daughter's only good friend from her previous college had also applied to transfer (to the same schools as my daughter telling her "they'll be sure to take me first as I don't need any financial aid") and that girl did get into Tufts with a 2.9 GPA versus my daughter's 3.65. (The girl also had family connections to the school as well.) Fortunately, a Jewish girl can find happiness at a Jesuit school! And I cannot say enough good things about BC, the support she has received from everyone there during this difficult time has been simply amazing.</p>

<p>She told me the week before her boyfriend died that she was so happy she had gone to BC and that she doubted she could have been so happy at Tufts. She has been selected for the campus school buddy program and is applying for a five year bacherlor's/master's degree. Her grades thus far, even with this tragedy are hovering around 3.8. She has made many wonderful friends and has even found off campus housing for next year already. I am so glad that so many good things are happening for her to sustain her during this tragic time. </p>

<p>So I think the message is: If you make a mistake, don't live with it, fix it!</p>

<p>Thanks to all of you for all your support!</p>

39

<p>Counselor: the first time around, my D, too, was turned down by tufts (despite stats that put her in their top quartiles). She subsequently, in retrospect chose very poorly, and was miserable at her first school. When she applied to transfer, she applied to tufts, Oberlin, and Wesleyan. All three accepted her, and she took a certain satisfaction in turning Tufts down to go to Wes. It turned out to be the perfect school for her, as it looks as if BC is for your daughter. </p>

<p>It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job helping your daughter through this tragic time. Sometimes, the counseling centers aren't so helpful, to be honest. They can be understaffed and give canned responses; she may be better off with you, or an offcampus, independent counselor. But even if she were under 18, you really couldnt "make" her go--keep the option open for her, and keep listening. I think that often, being able to talk about the person you've lost to someone who knew him is the most supportive thing.</p>

40

<p>To those who had advice for me (directly and indirectly)... thanks for the suggestions.</p>

<p>I decided to just write a letter last night after meeting with the class dean. It was an incredible thing... things were becoming clear. I stated some goals for the spring semester to find reasons for me to come back to my college every time I go off campus such as switching to a better located room and getting a new roommate. Recently, I found my pro/con list for this college and the other one that I was denied admissions from. I realized that a lot of things stand true. I also saw that I liked my reasons for the other school better. I also realized that I might have a chance again at this school since I spoke with the admissions last May to find out about transfer and why I was denied. Said all I really needed to do was to maintain a 3.0 GPA. I still don't know. But I would like to keep that option open. And ask for support from them...</p>

<p>I will just keep trying as I have always done. </p>

<p>Now, have to decide whether or not do I really want to send in that letter....?</p>