Transfer Personal Statement for Common App: Struggling to stay positive

College Essays
1

First of all, Thanks in advance to people willing to read through/respond to this thread.

A little bit of background context.
-In high school, I had a very poor relationship with my parents, a lot of negative feelings towards my stepfather who only cared about straight As.
-I graduated in 2011 (barely) with a 2.35 unweighted GPA.
-Enrolled in CC but failed/dropped all my classes and eventually dropped out entirely in 2012 with a 1.105 GPA (and moved out of my parents house)
-I’ve been independent since 18 (including filing my own taxes), and I’ve been working full time to pay my own living expenses in the bay area.
-Re-enrolled in 2015 to community college, was on academic probation for 3 semesters until I got my GPA above a 2.0, which required re-taking a lot of classes, and a lot of visits to useless college counselors to prove to them I knew what I was doing now.
-As of the end of last semester I had a 3.706 GPA (yes I worked my a** off) and I’m still working full time through all of this.

My issue is that I’m really struggling with how to frame this essay. I spent so many years dealing with depression and self-confidence issues that I find I keep framing it negatively. I wrote out the whole thing, with advice from my college counselor and I thought it sounded ok. But then I showed it to my girlfriend and she said the whole thing I wrote was extremely negative and after reading it out loud I realize she was right so now I’m trying to start over. The prompt for the transfer essay is:

“Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)”

If you were in my position what would you focus on for the hook? Should I try to separate it into two paragraphs: one about my reasons for transferring and then one about my goals?

2

Hi philbegas,

In the small bit you’ve vulnerably shared, I can only imagine how difficult your academic journey must have been for you. Through it all, you’re now a student showing great promise indicative of your 3.706 GPA while working full time with responsible financial duties. Don’t minimize that success. Not everyone can do that. If you have a hard time believing in your own abilities and perseverance, it’s hard to showcase it in your writing and impossible for others to believe in you as well! Praise yourself plenty :wink: You’ve done great in light of your history and that’s what I think ultimately matters. I know it can be hard, and I relate to feeling so little and closing my own doors by subconsciously demeaning myself in my writing. But let me assure you, your choice to return to school over and over despite your past was your courage and bada$$-ness, so keep it similarly positive and reflective as the tone of your essay. Remember that your attitude when writing should be, “I’ve shown ability to succeed at the CC level, so I can translate that success against the challenges at the university level”…and you definitely can!

I wouldn’t worry too much about the hook at first, especially if you haven’t organized the meat of the essay which is addressing the two main questions:

  1. What are your reasons for transferring (Major? Location? Social?)
  2. What are the objectives you hope to achieve there (What’s offered at the university you seek to transfer to versus at CC? When you’ve graduated, what do you envision having accomplished there besides the diploma?)

I’m not sure what your major is or what you hope to pursue but I think carefully thinking about those questions first will guide you! I hope this helped in any way! Good luck! Best wishes.

(I am also working on my piece too, so I am not an expert by any means. Please take my advice with a grain of salt and always remain true to your voice!)

3

Right to all that was said above.

Also: There are ways to make a negative story into a positive one. This is harder if you’re still feeling the weight of the experiences, but sometimes using rhetorical twists can help.

Maybe recast your story as one of “persistence leading to success”. Repackaging your story as triumph: “Look at what I’ve done. I have an amazing school record after years of struggle to learn how. I’ve conqured a broken home life. I’ve taught myself how to study at ABC schools with help along the way. etc.” A kicker at the end could be: “Look at what I’ve done. Imagine what I can do in the future with an education at XYZ school”

4

I’ve figured it out by now :slight_smile: It was basically all of the stuff you guys said.

5

Best of luck. You’re on your way!