Transferring from CC after Withdrawal/Dismissal from Ivy League

I am a currently in my second semester of CC and am trying to apply to 4 year colleges after I got withdrawn from the engineering school in an ivy league university. I was withdrawn with a 1.841 GPA and failing multiple classes in my last semester. Now my GPA is 3.933 in CC and I am working at a part time job at a small jewelry company in NYC. I am planning to apply for the spring semester coming up. I know it’s a small gap but I am trying to graduate as soon as possible with bachelor’s in CS or Information Science. I have applied to CUNY’s (city colleges) in NYC and now applying to private universities and SUNY’s (state university). If someone could read over my essay and give me some advice, I would appreciate it!

I was withdrawn from XXXX University last winter break in 2018 when my GPA dropped too low after I failed multiple classes. It was devastating and I thought that my entire world was falling apart. For weeks, I desperately tried to find ways to continue by transferring to another college within XXXX University but I realized that even if I did manage to transfer, my GPA was too low to salvage. I decided that the best course of action was to take a break and transfer after reflecting on myself. I decided to take a year to work at a jewelry business while taking classes at XXXX Community College.
At first, I struggled to understand how I had let myself fall behind in my school work. In high school, it was easy to get As mostly because I was surrounded by other students who were in the exact same classes, clubs, and sports with me while living with my parents. They motivated me to work and study but in college you must learn to take responsibility and put that pressure on yourself. Over these months, while taking classes at XXXX Community College, I made sure to take responsibility and taught myself how to study by myself.
Looking back at my time in XXXX University, instead of using my time to study, I focused my time in my engineering project team and my club where I was on the design and media team. Over these past months, I worked on my time management and work ethic in my classes at XXXX Community College and at my part time job. I worked at XXXX Jewelry and although I had numerous internships before, it was my first long term position in which I helped to develop, edit, and add products to the official website and managed two interns. This opportunity allowed me to grow as a person in terms of realizing my interest in website development and learning responsibility and time management.
Honestly, I was not mature enough to see that I was given a great opportunity to study at a university and instead thought that I could relax after my efforts in high school. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be withdrawn from college. Over the past year, I’ve experienced and learned a lot about myself and gained a new perspective. While I still treasure my time at XXXX University, I hope that I can start over and truly dedicate all my effort and time into classes and college life in general and take advantage of this precious time that I have to explore and grow as a person before moving on to the next stage of my life.

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To me this is reading like an appeal for reinstatement rather than a new essay for a new college and a new beginning.

Is this an application essay? What’s the prompt? If it’s an application essay I think the focus should be on why you’re a good fit for the school. Can’t your transfer adviser address your previous record and note the upward trend?

Never lead by going into so much detail on why you’re not a safe bet.

The impression is formed well before we get to improving time mgt.

And while you tell that you’ve worked on it, there’s no “show,” no examples or proofs. Your gpa after one full semester won’t cut it.

Nor a different sort of work in a different industry. Or telling them you’re anxious to be done with school.

This is all mea culpa and nothing about academic success.

No degree needed for website dev.

Sorry the prompt is:
Have you ever been found responsible for a disciplinary violation at any educational institution you have attended from the 9th grade (or the international equivalent) forward, whether related to academic misconduct or behavioral misconduct, that resulted in a disciplinary action? These actions could include, but are not limited to: probation, suspension, removal, dismissal, or expulsion from the institution. Please give the approximate date(s) of each incident, explain the circumstances and reflect on what you learned from the experience.

It’s not exactly a prompt to explain why I would be a good fit for a specific school but actually an explanation to what happened. Most schools have an additional questions or essay for the why this school question.

Still too long and detailed.
Are you in the transfer app?

Yeah I am. It is a question for transferring on the common app. For some colleges, this will be the only written statement about me since they don’t require any additional essays or answers so I wanted to include more about myself.

Ok, but you need to offer the right writing style. The goal is they gain confidence in you, not to know every line of what went wrong, in your case.

You were dismissed for poor performance. What have you done since that “shows” you are now a good bet? What shows you have better decision making and time mgt? Going into so much detail about the problems reinforces that you were not properly committed and leaves questions why they should believe you now.

Is there a transfer advisor at the current school who can help?

You need that help, not a forum.