<p>Had some interesting texts from DS last night. He's currently a junior at an LAC. He asked how DH and I would feel if he didn't want to go back next year. I believe there might be several factors at work. He grew up in a relatively small town and his school is in a <em>really</em> small town. Also, this weekend three of his very good college friends are back visiting after their semesters abroad. I think he was faced with a night of drinking (party was in his room) and found it totally unappealing. I believe after 2.5 years he's finding his school a little small, and is also questioning the basis for some of his friendships. He will return for the spring semester, but wants to talk to DH and me when he gets home for winter break about options for next year.</p>
<p>Possibilities I see:</p>
<p>(1) Try to plan an adventure next summer and hope he feels better about finishing out at the LAC on time.</p>
<p>(2) Transfer to another school. But surely there are requirements about how many credits must be earned at the institution? (DH had a rather checkered college career--credits from 7 different academic institutions, ended up with a degree from University of Oregon despite only being there one year.)</p>
<p>(3) We happen to live 10 miles from State Flagship U and I was wondering if he might stay home and take classes there, but I looked at his LAC's graduation requirements, and while you only have to complete ~half of your credits from the LAC, the student must "reside at XX for the two semesters of the senior year."</p>
<p>(4) Take a year off. He is a bit young in his year and for various reasons both of his younger brothers will spend five years in high school. I don't think it's at all bad to take a breather and grow up for another year. I'm sure he'd like to head out (part of our exchange last night: "Where would you go?" "Nova Scotia"), but I don't know how that would work (not the Nova Scotia part--but moving anywhere by himself). He'd need to get a job, but there's also worrying about a place to live, a car, . . .</p>
<p>I've found CC to be an ocean of experience and wisdom. We're not at all in panic mode (another of his texts last night: "I'm fine just disenchanted"), but I would like to help him explore some viable options. </p>
<p>I had a vaguely similar conversation with my D2. Here’s what I told her: Colleges is a transitional place where it prepares you to move forward with your life. Part of that transition is helping you realize that there is more to the world than the confines of your campus. I suggested her feelings of restlessness and claustrophobia and same old-same old were signs she’s “outgrowing” college and emotionally preparing herself for her future. D understands that she will have to return for her senior year (she has substantial merit at her current school), but she’s eagerly planning summer “adventures.” (She’s done a big “adventure” every summer since she started college–working at a gas station in Yellowstone Park all summer so she could climb in the Tetons on her days off after her freshman year; a 30 day, 230 mile backpacking trip through the Sierra Nevadas last summer.)</p>
<p>On the practical side–I don’t think that most colleges will allow you to transfer in as a senior. In order to receive a a degree, you must complete X credits at the new–typically about 60. You’ll need to check (or better yet–have him check) the specific policies of any school he may be thinking about transferring into.</p>
<p>I’d vote for either the summer adventure–and let him choose and finance it (that’s part of growing up too: paying for your plans) or a year off where he has the freedom to roam, but also the responsibility for financing it. </p>
<p>I’d also prepare myself for the possibility that if he takes a year off from college, he may not return to school afterwards. Not all kids are meant to follow the same path. He may need more time to figure out where he wants to go in life. </p>
<p>Junior year is tough. Suddenly everyone is asking you what you want to do when you graduate. It’s scary and a time when students suddenly realize they may not have any real good idea about that.</p>
<p>I know it’s hard not to worry about your kid–where he’s going to live, how he’ll get there, if he’s eating healthy, etc, but part of parenting is letting go. So worry, but keep it yourself. Let him take the lead. Be supportive. Ask important questions and suggest alternatives if you’re unhappy with his answers, but in the end remember: it’s his life.</p>
<p>So, for example, how does one line up a job in Yellowstone Park? DS has two friends from home who took a semester off from school to go out west, work at a ski resort, and do some skiing on the side. Problem was they never managed to get jobs. I’d be hesitant to let him take off on any kind of adventure (even part/most/all of the summer) without having something figured out in advance, but how do you do that long-distance?</p>
<p>MyLB, why does it scare you that he would take off without a firm plan? Tons and tons of twenty year olds are off on their own. And I know more than a handful that are living in resort areas working as waiters, housekeepers, etc. without parental support. If you don’t finance he’ll figure it out pretty quickly. Kids are very industrious with no money in their pockets. </p>
<p>I agree that the best route might be to be supportive of his unhappiness, tell him that if he needs time off he’s free to take a break and do a foreign study, or go somewhere and work, etc. That you are willing to finance his senior year if he can dig deep and just get it done, but that if he takes a break “it’s on him.” </p>
<p>He’s also at the “perfect” point in his education to look for an internship. He could take a half year or year long break at an internship and get some money or some college credit (which he might not need now). We’ve got a couple kids that are doing year long internships at our office. Give him some options and some financial paramenters and let him figure it out on his own. Many kids need a break, I know thirty some years ago the 9 months I was on foreign study were the perfect anecdote to educational fatigue and I came back to my senior year reinvigorated and ready to “get er done.”</p>
<p>I also think it is a huge mistake to think about transferring for a senior year. I suspect that it is going to be difficult and could result in him having to actually go more than one year which probably isn’t very appealing right now. One year goes fast so maybe with a break that last year at his current school won’t seem quite so bad.</p>
<p>Depending on the school, there might be some options for studying at a different campus but retaining the relationship with the original LAC. I don’t know all the details, but I am thinking of the 12 college consortium in New England which includes Williams and Wheaton(MA) among others. </p>
<p>This might be a good week to visit the counseling and career center at his current LAC and see what options there are … after his finals and before he heads home.</p>
<p>How did D get her job? She’s a planner and networker and researcher–she made lots of cold contacts, filled out lots of applications-and got lucky. But that’s her. I’ve known kids who have couch surfed until they found a job–and that works too.</p>
<p>The important part is letting him figure out how to do this himself. It’s a life skill.</p>
<p>Like I said, it’s your job to ask questions and make suggestions, not to do the work for him. You need to be hands off on this.</p>
<p>I was really, really unhappy about the semi-solo backpack thing last summer. (Two girls alone for 30 days away from everything. So much could go wrong!) But in the end it was her choice and her life. She went, had a wonderful adventure and gained so much confidence from it</p>
<p>The “without a plan” concern of mine is really about his ability to find a job. Kind of ADD, pretty disorganized, easily distracted. My younger two have actually been much better at finding part-time jobs/internships. I think the suggestion to check in with his counseling/career center is great. I’m quite sure he has no idea where it is (or that it exists?) . I guess I’m getting that transferring senior year is not a good idea and likely not possible. This boy is reasonable and maybe listens to his mother a bit too much. I want to support him but do not want the responsibility of making this decision for him. Maybe time for both of us to grow up/let go a bit.</p>
<p>Can he take a leave of absence from school for a term or a year? Tranferring is going to be problematic just because most schools require that MOST of the courses in your major be taken at their school if they are to award you a degree.</p>
<p>My one big regret about college is that when I was a burned out Junior with no clear sense of direction, I didn’t take time off. I wanted to, but was told that my financial aid package (which was absolutely necessary to continue at that college) couldn’t be guaranteed. If I had it to do over again, I would take a chance on not having the money, and I would just take a year (or two) off.</p>
<p>If he is sick and tired of his college, why can’t he take second semester off this year? Is there any reason why he must be there in the spring? Could he arrange a “guest semester” somewhere else such as the university that is near where you live? If he were to do that, and he were to decide to stay there instead of returning to his “home college”, the time in residence at that university might count toward the total needed to complete a degree.</p>
<p>It is completely normal to start feeling “over it” at his phase in college. </p>
<p>While a year off may be just the thing, has he considered doing the first semester of his Senior year abroad? It would be a new experience and he’d still graduate with his class.</p>
<p>Some colleges will take 75 or even 78 credits, so transferring might be okay at some schools (probably not many, but some) if he leaves at the end of this fall term, rather than at the end of the year.</p>
<p>But taking time off may make that last year more palatable. We know several who have done this, and it worked out fine, much better than if they had stayed unhappily, with no break.</p>
<p>I don’t think he dislikes his school per se or is exactly feeling burned out. I think it’s just starting to all get a little small, and he’s seeing some chinks in the deep friendships he thought he’d developed. Brought this up with DH last night, who’s freaking just a bit because he just paid for the spring semester. I don’t know what the “refund” policy is, but might just look into that. </p>
<p>pugmadkate–that was really good to hear. He is our oldest, so we’ve been learning this parenting stuff through him all along. (And his school requires that they be on campus both semesters of senior year to graduate.)</p>
<p>compmom–I’m thinking maybe best case scenario is he returns in the spring, gets to spread his wings this summer, and then maybe is indeed okay with going back <peacefully> for his senior year.</peacefully></p>
<p>happymom–I will also look into going to the local U next semester. He took a class there over the summer and enjoyed it, but something in me thinks he’s wanting to bust out of his routine, so a semester living at home might not be what he’s looking for.</p>
<p>As always, I value everyone’s input. CC helps keep me sane.</p>
<p>Is he interested in doing a semester abroad? That might give him some of the adventure he’s hoping for.</p>
<p>Also, remember that he’s likely looking down what seems to be a deep well of final exams and papers at the moment. Things will look up in a few days; what you’re hearing might be situational anxiety rather than a state of being.</p>
<p>You know–this would have been the semester to go abroad (fall of junior year) but he didn’t have an overwhelming interest and wasn’t sure he had the grades to get into the better programs, so he really did not explore it. I mentioned to him that there is probably a tiny bit of end-of-semester/exam anxiety in all of this, but he thinks it’s deeper than that. He still has two days of classes and then exams–won’t be home til the 20th. I know he’d like to explore some options with DH and me, so I’m trying to gather some info/advice while I’m waiting. (Maybe I should go ahead and tell him about the small part of me that’s jealous because he still has so many options in life.)</p>
<p>In my experience, most schools are going to have a maximum number of credits you can transfer which will usually put you at junior status, and depending on the school you may not be able to use transferred classes toward the requirements for the major. All of the schools that I applied to also had a two year residency requirement-- which sucked when I had the opportunity to travel and receive university credit while doing an internship.</p>
<p>I considered not coming back for senior year myself. I was burnt out, questioning what I was studying, questioning why I even went to college in the first place, and really freaking about the finances. I don’t think it’s uncommon to have some kind of quarter-life crisis right around now. At this point, in my opinion as a student, after spending two and a half years at that school transferring is foolish. If he thinks he is going to make new, deep, satisfying relationships as a 20-21 year old transfer student, he had best not be holding his breath. It is extremely difficult socially for transfers, and he would be making major sacrifices academically in that he would have to surrender credits and likely stay in college an extra semester or two (or more, if the maximum number of allowed credits doesn’t even transfer, which is QUITE possible!) If he’s feeling down because he doesn’t really feel like the small town is a fit for him and he’s questioning the basis of his friendships, he is really taking a risk thinking that transferring would fix it. MANY of the transfer students I know end up spending their first year, or more, completely socially isolated, and the older you are the worse it seems to be. I think this is a case where you have to ask yourself whether you are better off in investing to make this situation ideal so he can graduate happy as can be even if it means staying in school longer, or whether it would be more productive to do what you have to do to help him graduate as soon as he can so he can move onto the next stage of life.</p>
<p>If it were me and I could afford it, I would finish the spring semester and then do something fun that summer related to my field in some way so that I could get motivated to knuckle down and finish. A semester abroad may also serve this purpose. A full on break without something focused toward getting him motivated again, I think, would likely result in him not wanting to go back for senior year if it’s truly not that he’s burnt out. </p>
<p>By junior year, I really think it’s time to stop dwelling on whether or not your college situation is ideal and focus on finishing. The time to consider transferring has passed. If he is lacking motivation I am not at all suggesting that he should just try to plow through, that is a recipe for disaster-- some kind of intervention is key here, but I do think you have to consider how much time he really has to get through and how some of your options, like transferring-- which prolongs graduation most likely and isn’t likely to solve his dissatisfaction with his relationships, have the potential to make things worse than just finding a way to get through and graduate would. At this point in my life my college situation is not ideal, but in a year I get to start my career and meet new people and in the grand scheme of things this year is not the end of the world, transferring right now and prolonging graduation would be.</p>
<p>Good points. I spoke with him today. I think he’s fine with returning in the spring. I told him we can try to start figuring out something interesting for him to do over the summer when he gets home next week. I think he will go talk to the career counseling office early next semester. </p>
<p>I also told him we really don’t need to worry about next fall just yet. I’m thinking if he can line something cool up for the summer, he might be a little more inclined to finish his last two semesters on time.</p>