<p>My son just phoned and said that while people are nice, and respond to his invitations, he never gets calls to go out. He then sees people he knows in groups around campus and wonders why he wasn't included. He is tiring of reaching and feeling overlooked. Help.</p>
<p>Typically, the way that students make friends in college is through being in ECs that interest them. After meetings and events, students will hang out. Volunteering to be on a committee or to help with some time-consuming task also will lead to friendships because of the time those activities allow for one to get to know others.</p>
<p>Freshman year is a great time to try out new activities because freshmen aren’t expected to be that knowledgeable about ECs, and the organizations also tend to do things to help newcomers adapt, especially newcomers in the fall.</p>
<p>It’s a good idea, too, to participate in dorm meetings and activities. Doing some kind of sports tends to be a way that guys make friends since so much male bonding occurs through sports. If he’s not into sports, but likes the arts, helping out backstage or ushering for campus plays is another great way to meet people just like being on stage is. Theater folks are very friendly. </p>
<p>For spontaneous activities, students often will hang out with people on their dorm hallways since they are the most convenient. They also may run into people in places like the library (does your S study there?).
It’s often a good place to connect with others) or the caf, and then spontaneously decide to do something fun. </p>
<p>Community service activities are another good way to make friends. </p>
<p>In addition to becoming active in more activities, it may help for your S to keep his dorm room door open when he’s not sleeping or studying. That could encourage people to drop by, and also it also could encourage people who are going out to invite him.</p>
<p>He also could invite people over to his dorm room to watch movies or play games.</p>
<p>Also read and post about this issue in the College Life Forum so you can get students’ viewpoints.</p>
<p>agree^^^ A lot of those groups your son sees were most likely formed ad-hoc as kids walked down the hall. they see an open door, say “Hey we’re going to dinner, a movie, coffee etc and invite others along” If he feels left out he can go join the group. I am sure he will find people welcoming. Also I love the idea of sitting with soemone who is sitting alone. Worst case scenario your S cheers someone else up and cheers himself in the process. Best case, your S makes a new friend.</p>
<p>My son had similar fears in the beginning, but he forced himself to seek out others, join all dorm activities, joined ECs and is now thriving and very happy at his college. Before the start of his freshman year, he was so concerned of being isolated in college since he is not outgoing. He forced himself to step out of his comfort zone (believe me, he practised “feel the fear and do it anyway”) and is now thriving and has grown quite a bit since we dropped him off. His closest friends are his dormmates and those he has met in ECs.</p>
<p>I had similar conversations you had with him. Then he learned to take risks. When people in the group would mention meeting for dinner, he’d ask, “What time?” It wasn’t easy but he managed. </p>
<p>He even asked me to mail him a door stopper so he can prop open his door when he was inside. That worked. Also, he continues to study in the dorm lounge where he has met a lot of new people.</p>
<p>Best of luck to your son; I know how hard it is.</p>
<p>It is hard to always feel like you are an outsider. I think most people feel it at one time or another, it doesn’t matter how popular people think you are. Mountains is correct, it takes a lot of courage to push yourself into a group by asking “What time?” But that’s what it takes sometimes. </p>
<p>My older daughter had to push herself into an all girls study group. They somehow had a notion she would have nothing to contribute to their math study group (she doesn’t look like she should be a math major). They would not tell her when a meeting is rescheduled or have it at a time that’s not particularly convenient for her. She persisted in calling them, never complained about the meeting time, AND going to see the TA & professor beforehand so she could contribute just as much, if not more, as other girls. </p>
<p>I have a theory about fitting in and making friends - be a good listener, try to laugh and not be difficult. Try to join a group that is more of your level. Most groups do not like to have a weak link. This sounds superficial, but the point is you should have something that is desirable to the group you want to be part of. It could be looks, brain, athletic ability, money, whatever. This coincide with some posters are saying, find friends through ECs or through common interest. As adults, if you look at friends you have, they all offer something to your life. We would drop them if they could do nothing for us(we refer to it as “growing apart”). Friendship is full of give and take, you can’t always be one or the other. Before you join a group, think about what you could offer, would you be a good addition. According to my daughters, they wouldn’t mind to have someone around (even if he/she is not the best fit) if he/she is not annoying. Making friends is a ife time skill. Ability to identify if someone is a true friend or superficial friend is also important. College is a very good time to learn all of that.</p>