Twins: 1 wants BS, 1 doesn't

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>Hi fellow parents,</p>

<p>I have been reading a lot of posts here, but this is my first time jumping in.</p>

<p>Our 13-year-old son recently surprised us by announcing that he wants to go to boarding school. This is something we would never have considered, but our opinion has completely changed now that we have learned more about it. I should note that we cannot possibly afford it and thus our son can only apply to schools that have the resources to provide generous financial aid, essentially meaning those that are best known and most selective. He probably has some chance of getting into one of these schools, so we are supporting him in the process. If he doesn't get in, our public high school is fine and, as far as I know, does well by its top students.</p>

<p>The problem is that he has a twin sister who has been absolutely floored by his decision. She has always looked forward to going to the public high school. She feels rejected and has been acting hostile to her brother and infantile with her parents. However, she is just as smart as her brother and has her own gifts. She might have as much of a chance at a selective school as he does. So after getting an idea of how much better the education would be at a boarding school, we are trying to encourage her to apply as well. (My husband is actually pushing rather than encouraging.)</p>

<p>We live near enough to two top schools that she could be a day student (although one is so selective and competitive that I doubt my kids would get in). She says she doesn't want to go to either of these or to any boarding school, but that if she did, she would hate being a day student. I think she is concerned about the elitism of the boarding school experience, that she would be setting herself "above" her friends, and about the change in her own social class that might occur. We live in a school district that is very mixed in terms of income and education (my husband and I have plenty of the latter and little of the former!). She also does not feel ready to be away from me - but of course, if she went to one of the nearby schools, she wouldn't have to be away very much. However, we have heard that the nearby selective BS is "cutthroat" and full of very rich kids. Neither attribute appeals very much to her. :-)</p>

<p>My own background is that once upon a time I was a gifted child myself. I went to a large public high school that was considered to be one of the top schools in the country. It did nothing for me. Although I was a top student there, I never learned how to think, or how to really learn, or even how to study. (Admittedly, I was a lazy and confused teenager.) </p>

<p>I want my kids to learn how to use their brains. It sounds as though this could happen at a good BS. I hate the idea of them being away, especially my daughter, but I could stand it for her sake. </p>

<p>Well, I did NOT mean this to be so long. I just wonder whether other parents of twins or siblings who are very close to each other have dealt with this and whether you have any comments.</p>

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<p>There are definitely parents on this forum who have one (or more) kids at BS as well as one (or more) kids in the local public school. Hopefully one (or more) will chime in soon.</p>

<p>Note that once you visit schools for your son, your daughter might end up changing her mind. Compared to our local public school, the facilities available at all of the schools mentioned here on CC are mind-blowing.</p>

<p>FWIW, at my daughter’s school, there are several sets of twins attending…as well as one half of a set of twins.</p>

<p>Note that there are schools beyond “the best known and most selective” that have healthy endowments and can afford to offer generous financial aid. St. Andrew’s in Delaware is just one.</p>

<p>Here’s a crazy thought…do you think your daughter would be interested in an all-girls school? I have heard that Emma Willard (Troy, NY) is among the most generous of schools in terms of average grant and % of kids on FA.</p>

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<p>If your son attended BS, and your daughter attended the local public high school, you would still love them both. They would still be your children. You would not love one more than the other.</p>

<p>I would not force a child who expresses a strong dislike of attending a private school to change schools. In this situation, I would fear your daughter could convince herself you are trying to “send her away,” or that she, as she is now, does not live up to your expectations.</p>

<p>I would have a frank heart-to-heart with her about her need to grow up. Her brother may explore the option of going away to school. She should stop her snit fit about his independence. It’s not appropriate. She would probably be very upset if the situation were reversed–if he were hostile to her following her dream.</p>

<p>You should talk with her about your faith in her abilities, such as:

</p>

<p>Give her the freedom to explore the option, with your blessing–but also the option to remain at home. If she thinks she’s not ready, and you think she’s not ready, the chances are pretty high that she’s not ready. You don’t have to feel guilty about allowing them to take different paths through high school. They’re different people.</p>

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<p>I was in the same situation as the op described. My twin rither intially didn’t want to go to bs. My parents, however, convinced him to at least apply to give himself options so be wouldn’t regret his decision. In the end, he went to Andover with me. What changed his mind was revisit day b/c he actually got to go to classes and see what life was like. Maybe give your daughter that option. Tell her to apply and attend revisit day, and assure her that she doesn’t have to go. Kids like having options, and this approach will simply give her more.</p>

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<p><em>brother</em> not “rither”</p>

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<p>Thank you all very much for your comments!</p>

<p>SevenDad, I appreciate the suggestions. I don’t think she would be interested in a girls’ school, but if her opinion on BS changes, I will certainly bring it up.</p>

<p>Periwinkle, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. I will try to get my husband to read your comments too.</p>

<p>Swimdude, thank you for sharing your experience as a twin. It may happen that when my daughter sees all that these schools offer, she will change her mind too.</p>

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<p>To maximize the appeal to your daughter, visit the schools before the leaves fall off the trees-- I’m not kidding. The first school we visited was during wintertime. It rained; it was cold; the sky was grey; the trees were bare & grey; everything was a dreary grey, grey, grey, grey. </p>

<p>DS was ready to quit the idea of boarding school right then and there. It was nigh a disaster of a visit.</p>

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<p>This is literally the story of my life.</p>

<p>I am a twin and I am going to Deerfield in 2 weeks. My twin sister ( we’re 16) did not want to apply to any boarding school. She goes to a public IB school. </p>

<p>I’d say touring schools and showing her all of the benefits of boarding school would possibly allow her to change her views. Even my sister seemed to regret not applying after she looked at DA’s profile. Just try to show her the most appealing aide</p>

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<p>Great advice above–I just want to correct the misconception that generous financial aid is only available at the best and most selective schools. Many hidden gem and/or second tier schools also have excellent FA. I found that it was pretty easy to get a sense for this by looking at individual school’s admissions pages.</p>

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<p>Indeed. Mercersburg has a higher percentage of kids on FA than Andover. (49% vs 46%)</p>

<p>Please don’t limit yourself to only the tippy top schools because of a misguided view of FA availability, especially if your son is a top candidate. If he’s a viable candidate for a top school, he will be more attractive (read, “more worth paying for”) at a lesser known school.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the comments and suggestions. Mercersburg is already on our list. St. Andrew’s would be, but my son specifically excluded any schools with a religious affiliation. I would certainly appreciate other suggestions for schools (particularly in the mid-Atlantic region) that provide an exceptional education and have the capacity to provide generous financial aid. Right now we are looking into Mercersburg, Hill, Peddie, Lawrenceville, Hotchkiss, Exeter, and Andover. We live near Lawrenceville and Peddie. We live near George as well and have a number of connections there, but we are pretty sure that it would not be a good fit for our son.</p>

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<p>For all it’s worth ~ I would drop the idea that they are twins (I know they are, but non-identical twins really don’t have the same kind of relationship) Treat them as brother & sister. What to do? I don’t know. Most families can’t “afford” to provide that special opportunity for one child and not the other -even with financial aid help. I would error on the side of fairness and equal/same opportunity.</p>

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<p>SevenDad, I haven’t made enough posts to reply to your PM, but we are over the river from you in Bucks County. Thanks for the good wishes and the same to you.</p>

<p>Snugapug, I can’t comment on identical twins, but my kids do have a very strong bond. When they were small, we would often give them each the same thing, but now fairness means trying to give each of them (or help them attain) what they care about most. In this case, I think the opportunity is there for both of them. And, whatever my son’s aspirations or my daughter’s decision, there are no guarantees that they won’t both end up in the public high school together as we expected they would until a few weeks ago. And that’s fine too.</p>

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<p>Wise words from Neato. </p>

<p>Mercersburg was very generous in their offer of financial aid and scholarship dollars. Those two tippy top schools? Ummm, not so much. Be sure to look for the gems that also offer merit aid. </p>

<p>We too thought only the biggies could make BS financially possible. We were mistaken. Please don’t waste an admission cycle making that same mistake. </p>

<p>Wide net - cast a very wide net.</p>

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<p>pops, is your child going to be attending mburg? (Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I see that pops doesn’t have enough posts to send PMs)</p>

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<p>Thanks for the comments and advice, everyone. I would certainly like to learn more about Mercersburg; my son is very interested in it. I wonder about its political and religious atmosphere; from a cultural standpoint, that part of Pennsylvania could easily be below the Mason-Dixon line and I don’t know whether the school reflects that at all (no offense to Southerners intended).</p>

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<p>If your son and daughter go their separate ways, after a year, your daughter could always reconsider and apply as a sophomore.</p>

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<p>Neato: </p>

<p>Sadly, no Mercersburg for us. DC picked another school (that wasn’t quite so generous with the FA). Maybe DC2 will find a home there in a few years. </p>

<p>It was a REALLY hard choice for our family and wasn’t finalized until the waning hours of April 9th.</p>

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<p>Twinsmama: </p>

<p>I wasn’t able to suss out the political atmosphere. I didn’t seem to get an overtly religious vibe from the school. We were only able to attend revisit day. One day wasn’t enough for me to get a grasp on these aspects. As a displaced Southerner myself, it didn’t feel Southern in any discernible way to me. A Northerner may feel differently, however.</p>

<p>Sorry, I can’t offer more insight. The campus is beautiful and the people were all very friendly. They offer very nice merit scholarships and generous financial aid. I believe the school is very well endowed financially. Strong athletics. </p>

<p>Good luck in your search. It’s quite the adventure!</p>

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<p>My brother has twins (identical, same gender). One wanted to go to a private day school and the other wanted to stay at his public. But the public guy hated the idea of his brother going to a different school. I don’t know if you are in the similar situation. </p>

<p>If your daughter doesn’t want to go to a boarding school, let her go to a public. No one can say a private school is a better choice for everyone. If she just hates going to a different school from her brother, convince her. If she changes her mind and applies to the boarding school, it might be very tough for them to get accepted by the same school, especially both with FA.</p>