If they both of their tuition’s cost the same as your S2’s does now (the cost of an expensive OOS school), would you have docked their trusts money to help compensate the cost? If you would have, then I think it’s fair to take money from S2’s trust to help pay for tuition (which you should definitely tell him is happening). If you would not have (if you would have paid for both of expensive school costs from savings and would not have touched the trusts), then I don’t think it’s fair to take money out of S2’s trusts unless you need it to help pay expenses. In my opinion, that’s not making things fair. That’s punishing S2 for not being the same as his brother. I would think that would encourage competition between siblings, and perhaps, a little bit of resentment between them when one out-competes the other (especially if it’s a financial game that neither of them know that they’re playing).
I think if you had told both of your son’s this when they were each selecting colleges (that if they chose a more expensive option, you would defray some of the costs with money from their trust), then it would be fair to follow through with that for S2 since he chose the expensive option. If you let S1 go wherever he wanted and would have paid the full tuition wherever he went (without touching the trust), then I don’t think it’s fair to make different rules for S2 (unless, of course, your financial situation has changed or you didn’t realize how much college expenses would be or something like that). You shouldn’t punish S2 because he chose the more expensive option than S1, unless you gave them both those constraints previously. S2 might have chosen differently if he knew what the rules were (or he might not have but he should be told the ramifications of his decision before he makes it). Now, of course, this is assuming that you can comfortably afford to pay the full cost. If you can’t, then it’s perfectly appropriate to take money from S2’s trust (or give S2 the option of selecting a more affordable school).
But I do think you may want to ask your sons how they feel about the situation, or at least, consider how they would feel, considering how well you know them. I think what is clear from this thread is that different people have different opinions about the situation.
I’m not a parent, but my siblings (two of them) and I all got different amounts of money for school and life in general and we never kept tabs on who got what (I didn’t even think about it until you asked the question). But there were also no trusts in our situation. My state school cost less than my sibling’s private school, but I would have thought it would be incredibly weird if my parents gave me something else to compensate the difference. We both got the same gift–a relatively free pick of colleges/majors/etc and as much support as my parents could reasonably offer. My siblings went to private school through high school; I went to public school. That doesn’t mean I got more money for college or something ridiculous like that. We were different people in different situations. Two of us got scholarships, one didn’t–but it’s not like we expected a check to make up the difference or that one of us had to take out loans while the others didn’t. Our parents helped two of us with grad school, while the third never went but he’s not demanding his check for all the money he saved our parents. They helped us get cars and helped us maintain them but we didn’t trade notes on how much each one cost. Our parents do what they can to help us when we need it even into our adulthood, and we’re all grateful for that. No one’s keeping a bill on what everyone else gets. And we do the same for each other. When one had sudden unexpected medical bills, we all helped with it (within our means). Does that mean she owes us? Of course not. But that was just how we were raised. Different people and different families have different opinions and values. Choose what feels right for your family.
I think it’s pretty outrageous that kids feel entitled to count the parent’s money and keep score as to which sibling got more. My feeling is that it’s our (DH and I) money and as long as they both graduate debt-free and have a decent car (provided by us), they would have one he11 of a nerve resenting how we spend it. Fortunately we don’t have kids who think this way.
This always reminds me of Dudley Dursley in the Harry Potter books, who always counted how many presents he got and threw a fit if he got one less than last year. Not an attractive child
What if you have $250K total saved? Do you allow the first kid to spend it all on a full-pay private?
Then what do you tell the second kid? “Sorry, kiddo, we spent it all on your big brother; you either have to find a full-ride scholarship or it’s CC for you”? Take out massive loans for the second kid?
Then again, you’re providing them with cars, so maybe you do have enough.
I am with the people that wish this had been decided before the first went off to college-how much each had to work with from you for their college expenses. I don’t think things need to be down to the penny but seems like giving so much more money to one kid for college could lead to problems with perceived fairness down the road, Hopefully not, but has S1 said anything about all about this and his feelings about your potentially spending significantly more on his brother’s education?
Choose what’s best for your family is the way to do it and don’t judge other’s choices since knowing the full story is not going to happen. For some, it t’s going to involve some thnking, and agonizing decisions, and hurt feelings and disagreements. I’m sorry when that happens. For others, it’s no big deal at all.
For years, my mom tried to “make up” for the fact that my sister and I got four years of college and my brother got 2. It got so old. Believe me, she more than made up for it, and my brother made out like a bandit in the end. And the kicker? My four years probably cost less than his 2 because between the PELL, SEOG, state aid, and huge merit, I paid about $600 a semester. (Ok, it was a long time ago.) My brother wanted a 2 year program. My sister and I wanted 4. What was wrong with giving each kid what he or she wanted and calling it good?
Bottom line? You cannot win the fairness war once you make fairness an issue. Decide how it’s going to be, make peace with yourself about it, and move on.
You go either way with this, but if you decide that the way you will pay for S2’s expensive college is to take money from “his” trust fund, you need to let him know that before he commits to a school. He should have been able to consider it before he applied to colleges, but it’s too late for that now.
If he makes the decision to go to the more expensive school, knowing the money will come from his trust fund, fine. He may decide he would rather go to one of his safeties, or even take a gap year to re-think his options. Either way, he is less likely to feel resentment if he owns the choice than if he finds out about a hidden catch later.
And that’s the thinking we used. Our other objective, that’s not mentioned in this thread. is having some skin in the game. Like a lot of people, we didn’t have enough for full pay. By telling our kids that we could afford X amount, and explaining how merit aid and student loans worked, each of our kids picked colleges to apply to and attend that gave them reasonable student loans at the end. They were also very cognizant of our four year deadline and the requirements for merit aid at each of their schools.
We adjusted the amount for each child depending on the current cost of the State U. It wouldn’t have made sense to give the exact same number to child #1 as we did to child #3 because there was eight years in between the two.
But all kids don’t have the same opportunities, the same skills, the same ability to have ‘skin in the game.’ Should a child not get to go to Harvard because his sibling will never have opportunity, and since the sibling will only need instate tuition amounts, should the Harvard child be limited to the same amount as his sibling? It’s not his fault that the family has income that disqualifies him from financial aid and the family set the cap at $20k/yr for tuition for ALL kids.
I actually think it is fine to set a cap, but I also think it is fine to treat different children differently. My older sister started at Middlebury and it just about bankrupted my parents. They didn’t know anything about financial aid. Should we all have gotten that same $5000 for our first year? (there are 6 of us) Well, we didn’t. All of us went to various state schools, most of my brothers for only a year. Even if my sister would have finished at the LAC, non of the rest of us would have received that amount or the cash (it just didn’t exist). There are 11 years between the oldest and the youngest, and many things changed in those years - father’s salary, cost of education, state(s) my parents lived in, private high school for younger kids. Should my parents have known before they sent the oldest that the youngest might never go to college, so to keep things fair the oldest shouldn’t go either?
There are just too many variable. OP, if you can pay for college for S2 and you WANT to, do it. S1 got what he wanted. If you don’t want S2 to go to an expensive school, don’t agree to pay for it but don’t base that on what the oldest decided. If it were reversed and S1 had picked the big bucks school but S2 wanted the cheaper one, and both would get their trust funds now from grandparents, would you then pay S2 more?
This is good advice, but it doesn’t apply to situations like my family’s. We were full-pay and could have afforded a private college for both kids, but the first one chose our much cheaper state university even though he could have chosen a more expensive college.
As I mentioned earlier, the kid who got the less expensive education does not resent it (presumably because it was what he chose). But I still feel that there’s something unfair here.
I would tell S2 that he needs to dip into the trust fund if he wants to go to the pricey school.
I don’t think things need to be perfectly equal because there are factors such as inflation costs, etc.
You may have sons, but families can face this with weddings as well…the same standard of wedding may cost you X dollars for D1 in 2014, but cost you X+ when D2 marries in 2019. My youngest sister’s wedding dress cost more than twice than mine did…but she married many years later. That’s just way those things go.
One other consideration is whether the kids who chose lower cost or big scholarship schools chose them because they were the top choices, or whether they “settled” for them due to cost considerations. The likelihood of perceived “unfairness” may be greater if one kid “settled” for a lower cost school but another was allowed to spend a much larger amount to go to a top choice school when s/he also had a lower cost choice available.
Our philosophy with our kids is that we provide what they individually need to best of our ability - equal or not.
We will be fair to our kids but not necessarily equal. Sometimes there is a need for one that doesn’t exist for the other. When my girls complained when they were young, I’d tell them to wait until they’re grown ups - chances are things will average out. Specifically for college we had a general amount for each, so far D2 is much less but she is getting ready to go to grad school so it may even out. But we are not keeping score on other things. If so what about D2 who did years of tennis lessons…not D1. Or D1 did cotillion (several thousand), D2 did not. For one we paid sorority dues, not for other, etc. Again - they get what they need.
Now there are extreme cases. My cousins parents co-signed a loan for one child that the child defaulted on and the parents paid off. Rather than have child pay them back, they agreed to reduce inheritance for that child to off set the cost.
In our family fair means having the same opportunities. Our kids each had the opportunity to receive a debt free bachelor’s degree at the school of their choice. The older two attended private schools, their first choices. The youngest’s first choice school was an OOS public, for which the cost was much less. He does not in any way feel cheated that he did not get the same dollar amount. He went to his first choice school, just like his brothers. When the kids were younger, their ECs had different costs associated with them. We didn’t even that out dollar for dollar either. Everyone followed their own interest.
Our philosophy was also everyone’s needs before anyone’s wants. If my kids kept score, I would be very disappointed and feel that H and I did something wrong in raising them.
So to me, $20K is not the same as $200K. An order of magnitude is a big difference. Cotillion, piano lessons, weddings, etc. don’t cost $200K.
@twoanddone, a kid who can get in to Harvard has a decent chance of picking big scholarships from Vandy/Emory/WashU/Rice/USC/etc. Good chance from CWRU/Rochester/etc. And no, it’s not his fault if he’s born in to a family that doesn’t have unlimited means. It’s also not due to anything he’s done that he’s not born in to a family of subsistence farmers currently fleeing the Taliban in Afghanistan, so what is your point, exactly?
In any case, I wouldn’t offer each the same exact amount, but I would offer each the same setup.
@Joblue love the Harry Potter comment! I have three kids all with different skills, interests and hobbies with vastly different expenses. I don’t spend the same on my kids now why should when they are in college?. My kids know that they are expected to contribute to their college education as much as they are able to and we will help as we are able. They won’t be keeping score.
D16 is a likely candidate for a National Merit Scholarship, she considers this a gift to her brothers so there will be more money to help them when it’s their turn to go to college.
How much you spend on one kid vs another is more or less up to a kid and your desire to pay for each. If kid 1 chooses expensive school and you are willing to pay for it, then go ahead (what is wrong with it?) By the same talken if kid 2 chooses cheap school and you are still willing to pay for it, then go ahead, it has nothing to do with your kid 1. Say, if you had kid 3 and he earned full ride or full tuition Merit where he wants to attend then you py nothing or very little for this one. You still love all of them, I cannot say the same becuase each kid is different and as a unique person requires a different type of love that may be expressed differently. In addition, kids may be born so much apart that they are born into completely different financial situation. You are still going to compare? I do not think it makes any sense. Plus, it is YOUR money, you do not answer to anybody, including your kids, you answer ONLY to yourself, so do whatever feels right to YOU, not anybody here, not your kids, but this is also up to you though. Some people are so much into what others think about them, which is not wrong either, it is just who they are and it is important to them, so be it. What I am trying to say is that only you can decide, you know who you are and what are your values and everybody here has a different set of values
There is a big difference between “keeping score” or nitpicking and just noticing a huge obvious difference. I am really surprised by the proportion of folks on this thread that see the end result “both kids graduate debt free” as the vital piece of information and discount the kids’ contributions.
If your boss gives you a company car ('98 Camry) to get back and forth to work, and gives the guy in the next cubicle a company car ('14 Porsche) to get back and forth to work - is it really all the same? Are you not going to start resenting your colleague? Hey, come on, you both got a free ride to work, what’s to complain about?
Kid 1 chose a frugal option. If the family finds itself flush with cash as a result of his frugality, it seems unfair to me that the parents spend all that money on Kid 2. They can keep the college fund for their retirement, put it into the inheritance, etc. My opinion is firmed up with OP’s added information that Kid 2 was offered a full tuition scholarship, but turned it down because that school didn’t have his preferred major.
I have been thinking about this. I think my kids know that we want the best outcome for them and we will help them get to it as best we can as a family.
I think what my older kid would resent is if the guidelines on what to pursue after high school are different for the younger kid. Our guideline is that it must lead to a practical, paying career. (I know not everyone will agree, but that’s our guideline for them). College itself is not required, come to think of it, but a plan to self-supporting adulthood is.
So I think for us, “fair” would be to be consistent in the guidelines.
