Why would a kid even apply to a school that doesn’t have his preferred major?
My point is that if the family set the budget, Child1 lived within that budget and was happy with it, and then Child2 got into Harvard but it was going to be way outside the budget, should Child 2 not go to Harvard just because Child 1 didn’t? What if family circumstances have changed and Child1 would have had financial aid for Harvard but Child2 now doesn’t (the trust funds, parent income increase). I think most would say Child 2 should get to go to Harvard, and the family should pay. What if there were 10 kids and each had gone to State U, but number 6 can go to Harvard full pay. Should he get to? Most would say yes.
Things change. Even if certain rules were in place for Child1 they may not be for child2. I’m from a family of 6, and I’m one of the 3 older. Things were a LOT different for us as my parents were young and didn’t make much. Three entire years younger than me :)) my younger brothers were treated differently by everyone. My grandfather would give the older kids $10 for birthdays, the younger $5. We had curfews, they ran wild. Just how it was. On the other hand, my younger brothers went to private high school and had a car. I remember it cost $200 for my brother’s prom (tux, dinner, flowers, car, gas, tickets) while my sister’s was about $10. Should he have been limited to $10? Things change.
Of course, things change and a family needs to be flexible. I got married in a church basement, in a “vintage” dress. I went to private school undergrad (parents full pay), then put myself thru med school My brother went to state U, and our folks sent him to grad school and chipped in to pay a chunk of his fancy wedding. That’s what I have in mind as flexible but attempting to be fair.
This isn’t about inflation or a change in financial circumstances. The problem posed by the OP was not one of lack of funds, but balancing “fair” use of a large nest egg. My sense of fairness would lead me to take some of that savings and offer it to S1 for a car, down payment for a house etc, or expect S2 to use some of his trust fund to “pay” for his choice to not attend the school that offered him a full tuition scholarship.
At the time he applied, he had not yet decided on this major.
Ok, I admit I didn’t read the entire thread . . .
We have a somewhat analogous situation and it hadn’t occurred to me to “true up” finances. Our older one is attending a leading flagship OOS – his first choice school and a wonderful place for him. As tuition there is about $20k less than a private, we have no borrowing and have savings to cover additional expenses, like living expenses for an unpaid internship etc. Our younger son, still in high school, very much wants a LAC and hyperventilates at the notion of a large flagship. We may have to borrow some to pay the difference between full price and our savings, though “chasing” merit to close that gap may be part of his college strategy. He knows that, including the role of merit money, but recently worried that maybe he should look at the big publics since they are more affordable, even though he looked miserable when he said it. It didn’t occur to me, though, to take the unused savings from older son to “close the gap” between savings and full pay, for the younger one.
My wise mother (when I finally grew up enough to recognize her wisdom) said that there comes a time when each child “needs” something that is part of how they will become their best self – and as parents, it is our duty to find a way (within reason) to provide that. Very much a “to each according to his need” parenting approach, which we have tried to implement. For what it’s worth.
Yes, if you have the funds, I think it is OK to spend more on college for one than the other. There will be more opportunities in the future to spend money on them. We have 3 kids, whose colleges were all different costs and received different scholarships. They know what a gift a debt-free education is. Now the oldest D is engaged and I have given her an amount we will pay towards her reception. My 22 year old son has never gone on a date and will probably never get married. So he, who spent the least on college, will get shafted yet again. There may be something in the future he may need money for. Both live in cities and don’t need cars, plus they are making decent salaries. The youngest is costing us the most for college, but the opportunities her LAC is giving her are so great we think it is worth it.
The options are to:
- You pay the cost of a state school, and he pays the rest from his trust.
- You pay the cost of what the lowest net price college he got into, he pays the rest from his trust.
- If the trust was intended for education, then pay it all from his trust. He is choosing that college. He can decide if that is his priority if it is "his" money he is spending.
- You pay all of his cost and he keeps all the trust money.
"If your boss gives you a company car ('98 Camry) to get back and forth to work, and gives the guy in the next cubicle a company car ('14 Porsche) to get back and forth to work "
-Invalid comparison, cannot comapare apples and oranges, First, there is no say on the employee side who boss favors, except for one “veto” power that any employee has - walk out the door. Do not like it, leave.
In family sitution, no kid has a right to ask for the same treatment, they have to take what comes their way and they do not even have a “veto” power of the employee. If one wants to leave a family, nobody can hold the kid down, but then it is nothing bu self-destraction, only sick person will pursue this option. There is no way that parent should listen to a child in regard to how parent spend family money, unless the parent actually WANTS to listen to a child. It is a matter of choice, that is parent’s choice, not a child’s choice. Child has only one option, greatly appreciate what comes his/her way, be thankful forever and ever for everything that parents do for him. If a kid does not have this attitude, he is into much bigger problem in his future, he is into a very troubled life.
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So to me, $20K is not the same as $200K. An order of magnitude is a big difference. Cotillion, piano lessons, weddings, etc. don’t cost $200K.
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Exactly! We’re not talking about a few thousand here or there.
And no one is talking about health issues which are a totally different issue.
Also…I think there is “value” in teaching kids that their choices have consequences. Money doesn’t grow on trees!
I haven’t read the entire thread, either. I am at work at sometimes duty calls. 
Anyway, I once worked in a school syster where I had direct contact with the middle school and high school students. (I was a tutor). My boss pounded into our heads that fair is not always equally. He expected us to treat the kids fairly and if that was equally then so what.
I think that fair is different for each family and each kid. Only the parents, with some input from the kids, will know.
I also know that my own parents never did discuss with any of their 4 kids how much they spent on each college education and wedding. I don’t know and I don’t care. It is not my business what they spent on my sisters. I do know that when my dad got an inheritance when I was in my 30’s he called me and requested all of my student loan information, he wanted to pay off my loans with his inheritance. I don’t know if he gave my sisters similiar gifts at that time, or if he had spent more on them during college or their weddings, or if he just liked me best that day. My point is, that how you treat each of your kids is between you and that kid. They will see if there are huge discrepancies between siblings, but they don’t need to know the finer points of how a brother or sister is treated.
“They will see if there are huge discrepancies between siblings.” And I agree with mom2collegekids, that this particular situation is not just a matter of a few thousand dollars. It is a huge difference.
You are right, @sevmom, it is a huge difference. If done right, it doesn’t need to be done equally, just fairly. I have a sister who earned a full ride to college, the scholarship paid for everything, including room, board, books, transportation, everything. Never once did my parents announce to us that they had done anything to equalize things. Never once have I felt negative feelings from my sister that more was spent on me than on her. It is not my business what they spent on her and not hers what was spent on me.
@purpleTitan - Not sure what your question is. There was nothing really different about me,my brother and sister other than my sister is the youngest. There is only 3 years difference between all three of us. My sister has always been favored over my brother and me. I’m the oldest.
Anyway, my point about my kids not being the same is that my middle kid tries hard but unfortunately he is not going to be able to get the merit aid the other two can, we can’t fault him for that and we aren’t going to give the other two extra money to “make” up for the tuition savings from their scholarships.
Not sure about this as circumstances change and things change. My oldest went at a time when many school offered merit aid. With my youngest, many of the same schools have turned to need-based aid and have stopped offering merit money. Does that mean he has to go to in-state public. We are also in a somewhat better position due to the improving stock market. Does Kid 1 get to decide what kind of school all the others go to?
What is one kid does not go to college of doesn’t finish? Is he entitled to that tuition money?
This is easy if you have kids that all have the same level of ability, need, and drive and the financial picture is the same in each case. When kids are very different or situations change, it is not always easy to be fair.
I am with those that think the money belongs to the parents (assuming it is earned income, not grandparent money). If there is a windfall saving, why wouldn’t the parents be entitled to use that extra money to make their retirement years more comfortable rather than handing it to the kid that chose a less expensive college.
If the cost is really different and if there is anything left, perhaps we would adjust the inheritance accordingly. However, I would not hesitate to spend those additional funds if needed for our own well being.
“If your boss gives you a company car ('98 Camry) to get back and forth to work, and gives the guy in the next cubicle a company car ('14 Porsche) to get back and forth to work - is it really all the same? Are you not going to start resenting your colleague? Hey, come on, you both got a free ride to work, what’s to complain about?”
My father had a strong upward trajectory in his salary when I was in late high school / college. Consequently, my sister, who is 8 years younger, “got” a lot of stuff I didn’t get. I drove a hand-me-down Oldsmobile Cutlass in high school. She drove a Porsche. My 16th birthday was a nice dinner and cake. Hers was an extravagant catered party. We traveled some, but she also got to take trips to other parts of the world that I didn’t get to. Honestly, I don’t remember one iota of resentment. I knew that my parents did their best for me and now they were doing their best for her. I’m fine with it. I don’t need to keep score.
We spent more money on my older daughter’s education because her school doesn’t have as big an endowment and gives less financial aid in general. But my younger daughter received more financial aid not only because of her school and her merit awards but also because our income dropped precipitously because of my husband losing his job after the older daughter started college. Younger daughter got more FA; she also was the one to experience first-hand the horrendous stress of her father’s extended unemployment, including getting reduced-price lunch and us getting Medicaid benefits for health care. I think I’ve done the best I could for both of them, particularly in loving them as they need to be loved.
You should try to spend equal amounts on the children. If you give one child $100,000, then you should give the other child a like amount.
Back in reply #41…
If it is the case that S1 is at his first choice school, as opposed to “settling” for a lower choice school due to parentally specified cost limitations that have been relaxed for S2, then the situation may not be that big a deal.
If both of them are likely to be financially self-sufficient after graduation, then it is less likely to be a big deal.
“You should try to spend equal amounts on the children. If you give one child $100,000, then you should give the other child a like amount.”
I’ve had to spend substantially more on healthcare needs for one kid than the other, but I don’t plan to equalize that out.
Just because I’m nice like that, I bought a plane ticket for one kid to go to Europe over spring break. Other kid had other plans. So be it.
D’s clothing cost more than S’s because she’s a girl. If I go and buy her a few new pairs of shoes, I don’t need to equalize S. They’re both taken care of. Otoh, I just bought S a very expensive wool coat. D’s wool coat isn’t as nice, but it’s perfectly fine. Both kids need vision correction but D’s contacts cost more than S’s glasses. You can drive yourselves bonkers keeping it all equal. So I don’t.
If one of my kids had chosen a private and the other the state flagship, I would not have felt a need to give the difference to the state-flagship kid, personally.