I can understand why parents would announce, before the first child goes to college, “We have $X in a college account. For your college expenses, each of you will have up to $X/number of children.”
However, keeping a tally of what each child is “owed” seems to be a formula for breeding resentment among the children. It puts the emphasis on material possessions and takes it away from the love and support that family members should have for one another. I want my children to feel like they are all in life together, to support one another and help one another in times of need.
When my siblings and I were growing up, we understood that any money we were able to save our parents would be there for them. Ultimately what was left would go to us, but we were concerned that they have enough for a comfortable retirement. With no spendthrifts or deadbeats among the siblings, we all pitch in together. No money changes hands. We don’t keep score. We’re just grateful to have each other around.
My siblings (4 of us) all attended cc after HS, some of us went for 2 years and some for only one. Two of us transferred to private colleges (but one graduated a semester early) one to in state public and one went to OOS public. My folks paid for it and did no accounting as to whose education was the most expensive. The deal was that we would start at the cc and my parents would pay for 4 years of college.
My kids both attend/attended expensive private colleges, however S’s is more expensive because he is 5 years younger and the cost has gone up. D had a small outside scholarship. S turned down several schools which offered him substantial merit. The deal was that we would pay for 4 years of college.
My oldest went at a time when many school offered merit aid. With my youngest, many of the same schools have turned to need-based aid and have stopped offering merit money.
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Ok…I can understand that because you’re wanting to provide the SAME experience - same type of school for both kids. You can’t help if suddenly the same experience costs more. One year ballet lessons can be $2k for Child 1…and then a few years later, the same ballet lessons can be $4k for Child 2. (and besides, those aren’t large differences.)
Obviously, if you sent Child 1 to fab-school-A and it gave your child a nice merit award, and then you sent Child 2 to the same/similar school and merit was no longer being awarded, then there should be no pressure to “equalize” spending. You’re providing the same level of education. My kids went to the same undergrad. One child’s merit was larger than the other’s. So of course one child’s education cost us more (but not much more…we’re only talking about a few thou each year.) But, they both got the “same experience”.
I mentioned weddings upthread. I have 2 sisters. Both are several years younger than I am. We all had a “similar style” of wedding…very nice, big church wedding, surf & turf, etc. However, by the time my youngest sister married, prices had all gone up. So what. We all got a “similar level” of wedding. My parents believed in providing a certain type of wedding for their D’s and that’s what they did. I know that my brothers never gave it another thought because the tradition was for parents to pay for girls. That said, when one brother married a less-affluent girl, my parents paid to help bring that wedding up to the level that we sisters had. My other 3 brothers didn’t care…they got their nice weddings.
I applaud @Pizzagirl for not being a little bothered by such extreme differences. Frankly, if I experienced an extreme upward income, I wouldn’t suddenly be buying Porsches for my younger child when my older child had to drive a modest car. Either I’d buy 2 nice cars and gift both kids, or I’d buy younger child a similar modest, but reliable car…and open trust funds for both kids. And I certainly would not do a lavish bday party for one without doing something for the other.
@Chardo The difference is just too big. Obviously you know there’s something odd about it; that’s why you made the thread. It’s when you know that there’s nothing funky that there’s no reason to question it.
We’re capitalists to the outside world but Marxists within the family. I communicate strongly to my kids that I expect each of them to contribute according to their ability, and I hope they understand I will provide for each of them in accordance with their (sometimes unique) needs.
M2ck, my parents were generous with me too. I got an Audi when I graduated college. But when I was 8 years older, and got married, the fact remained that my parents were going to do things like nice vacations for their minor daughter that they weren’t going to do for their older married on-her-own-daughter. I truly have zero complaints. I was comparing points in time (me in high school, my sister in high school) not differential treatment at the same point in time. Make sense?
Marsian: I really like your perspective and hope my kids have that as well.
Thanks Mom2CK, not sure how it will play out. Youngest may still end up at a public U.
Also, to me, there are some schools that are worth “full pay” and others that are not. If one kid can attend an Ivy full pay, because he or she happens to have that level of ability and ambition, but another would be full pay at a regional university, when a state school would offer the same level of education, not sure I would be willing to pay $55K plus for a regional U. OTOH, if one kid had educational needs that could only be accommodated at a few high-cost schools, I might stretch my budget for that experience. In either case, life was not as fair to the kid that did not get the high ability and/or high level of drive that more accomplished kid had. Not sure how that fits into the spending parity equation.
I must be a terrible parent. I have never calculated what I spent on one kid vs. others, and it would never have occurred to me to “make it up” to the kid whose rearing cost less than others by buying a car or handing him/her a check for 100K.
Our families resources are just that- the family’s. As the parents we tried to make good decisions about how to use those resources. The kid who opted to play in the backyard instead of taking karate didn’t get a more lavish 8 year old birthday party, and the kid who did a semester abroad (which cost less than staying at the home university) didn’t get a “rebate check” to spend lounging in pubs or buying stuff. We set budgets, we did our best to encourage “self help” when feasible, we applauded each and every part-time job as a good way to build skills and cash as long as it didn’t interfere with the “main event” i.e. college. Now that they are all launched, we respect their autonomy and are ever-so-grateful when they want to treat us to dinner or pick up the check when we visit them, but we don’t expect their love and respect for us to be predicated on what we spent on them vs. their siblings.
And we have one “special situation” and are touched and gratified beyond words when we see the siblings (and cousins- first and second) step up to the plate. They help each other because they love each other and want to do it, not because there is some bookkeeper in heaven keeping track of who spent what and who got what and who saved someone oodles of dough.
The fact that some schools are worth “full pay” and others not, as Mom2and puts it- of course. That’s a given. I had no trouble telling a 13 year old that the designer jeans she wanted weren’t “worth” an extra $60 bucks vs. the ones from Old Navy, and had no trouble telling an 18 year old that certain private U’s engineering program was inferior (both value and quality) to that of many public U’s where he could get admitted.
But I see “value” as a completely different exercise than trying to keep things monetarily equal.
“Also, to me, there are some schools that are worth “full pay” and others that are not. If one kid can attend an Ivy full pay, because he or she happens to have that level of ability and ambition, but another would be full pay at a regional university, when a state school would offer the same level of education, not sure I would be willing to pay $55K plus for a regional U.”
Do you literally mean Ivy as in those-8-schools-alone-would-be-worth-it, or are you using Ivy as a shorthand to mean “top notch school”? Because the latter makes sense - the former makes no sense at all, because it would silly to think that Dartmouth is worth $55K but Duke isn’t when they’re pretty much the same thing.
CC blocked your link. And I wasn’t really referring to Dartmouth and Duke specifically, just the odd, strange concept that the 8 colleges in a particular athletic league would be magically “worth it” when other comparable colleges wouldn’t be – as if there are any meaningful differences or as if “Ivy” has some magical dust. I was talking conceptually, not specifically. But never let a Duke person miss out on the chance to pound their chests about Duke!
@Pizzagirl I also drove a hand me down Olds Cutlass. Durable thing, got me through most of college despite 5 accidents (only one was mine). The door sill said Body by Fisher. We said it was Body by Sam, our body shop owner. Finally gave up on it after accident #6. While parked at my college, it was hit by an MG Midget that came flying over a speed bump and took out three cars, first of which was mine. Can’t believe something the size of a go kart could do that. Sawed off the rear bumper, which I carried back to the dorm and used as a bar for a Bumper Party. Sold the car afterward, as is. Good times.
I drove a gold Ford Grand Torino station wagon in HS, then a Ford Maverick in college (both borrowed/handed down from my parents). My kids drove a used Subaru Impreza. My parents refused to contribute to my college education, other than letting me live at home for a year to commute and save money. That experience was a driving factor toward us paying for our kids’ college.
Parents can do what they can to make things ‘fair’ among their children. You cannot help birth order or the sex differences and how those influence immediate and extended family ‘the only girl’ or ‘the only boy’ or ‘the oldest boy’ or ‘the youngest, the baby’ etc or due to the big age range between oldest and youngest (and more relaxed societal standards, or the parents having more available money, or parents just getting tired of parenting or realizing more relaxed standards can work) - so ‘you got to do more fun activities than I did; I had more chores, etc’.
Just recently saw how that trickled into Jack Lemon’s movie “The Prisoner of 2nd Avenue” - he had an older brother and two older sisters. During some of the time ‘when the chips were down’ between the two brothers some of the family roles came into play (older brother having so many responsibilities young, everyone loved the baby of the family, etc - so jealousies from birth order and how that played out).
In my case I have two daughters. The younger one actually has more of the alpha characteristics that usually go with the personality of the oldest. They are 25 months apart in age. Since H and I are ‘older’ parents (they were born when we were 37 and 39) we have always tried to foster the two getting along together, because at some point H and I will be gone. They both have had different opportunities along the way. They both had the same funds for college. They both won scholarships at their different in-state college of choice, which were great matches for both of them. I am custodian on their college savings money account, so help them transfer $$ into their own accounts. They know that whatever money left in that account by the time they graduate is theirs. They can choose to continue graduate education right then or perhaps along the way with their careers. I do keep a running total of various things we pay for (balance on money due each semester for each) so that everything can be as ‘fair’ as possible (for example we pay for basic phone for both of them, but one wanted the data plan, so that additional charge goes on the one girl’s tab). They both have jobs (one a little PT job during school that continues over summer, the other had a well paid summer internship in her field). Our estate will go to both of them equally. However if one become a drug addict, then a custodial account. One needs to use judgement in these things. Shocking the cost of rehab - so if you have a child that needs rehab, it may mean they have used up their college money.
Students make lots of choices in life - how much they apply themselves to school/career, who they choose for a spouse, where they live, etc. Parents can give input when asked, or can gently input when they see an offspring going way off course. However by faith we are believers in ‘free will’. One does need to take responsibility of decisions one makes.
We want to see the next generation having a ‘good life’ whatever that comes to mind. However just handing it to them often will not work because parents are not a money tree. Hopefully the offspring can learn and mature into being responsible and productive members of our society while keeping happy family relationships if the core family is healthy.
