UC college Applcation Essay

Applying to College
1

can someone revise my essay to this question:

<li>Tell us about talent, experience,and contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California?</li>

My parents were born in a Civil War between Eritrean and Ethiopia. Due to the chaos, my parents legally escaped to California in which I was the first generation “American born” son of an Eritrean family.
It is not easy to be the first generation of “American” in an Eritrean family. What I do to become an “American” in an Eritrean family is to work hard due to the competitive status of America. Also to become an “American” in an Eritrean family is that the Bill of Rights will always protect you no matter what kind of situation you are in.
I have learned how to overcome a lot of dual cultures that we faced today. Racism is one. I have dealt with that especially in the 7th grade. Another dual is prejudice. Sometimes people judge us by our skins or colors. Instead they should treat us as regular people.
I’m considered to be an American an Eritrean. American because I was born and raised here and I have already learned the language, customs and lifestyle. I am an Eritrean because I’m not the descendants of Europeans that are born in America. Regardless of my ethnicity, I’m trying to be better than anyone else.

2

<p>I’m trying to be better than anyone else.</p>

<p>That's not a great way to end the essay. It makes you sound, frankly, arrogant. </p>

<p>Don't tell that you 'learned how to overcome a lot of dual cultures' - show it. give us an example of the experience. what happened in 7th grade? i'm lost in your essay - you give me interesting claims, but no real evidence or story I can empathize with.</p>

3

<p>So should it be this: </p>

<p>My parents were born in a Civil War between Eritrean and Ethiopia. Due to the chaos, my parents legally escaped to California in which I was the first generation "American born" son of an Eritrean family.
It is not easy to be the first generation of "American" in an Eritrean family. What I do to become an "American" in an Eritrean family is to work hard due to the competitive status of America. Also to become an "American" in an Eritrean family is that the Bill of Rights will always protect you no matter what kind of situation you are in.
I have learned to overcome the dual society we faced today. Racism is one. People have told me in the 7th grade told me “To go back to you filthy country.” Another dual is prejudice. Sometimes people judge us by our skins or colors. Instead they should treat us as regular people.
I’m considered to be an American an Eritrean. American because I was born and raised here and I have already learned the language, customs and lifestyle. I am an Eritrean because I’m not the descendants of Europeans that are born in America. Regardless of my ethnicity, I’m trying to be like everyone else.</p>

4

<p>something that sounds a lot nicer. Like, you try to talk about what, your experiences or your ethnicity? I think you should go with the 'I do not regard my ethnicity as a barrier, I see it as an asset' idea, that your experience is one of a kind. So then it'd be something like "I carry with me always the culture, the language, and the heart of my ancestry, and regard it as a valuable asset to increase multicultural understanding, to see beyond the physical exterior and into the heart, the character, of men." (and women). something sappy. not outright arrogant. </p>

<p>this is all about the sugar coating</p>

<p>you are trying to be like everyone else anyway. you talk about you wanting to be better than everyone else - isn't that what everyone does? </p>

<p>lol, its funny. you're trying to distinguish yourself as 'different' but end up sounding exactly the same.</p>

5

<p>I sense a bit of syntactical incoherence in your essay, like how you said racism is "a dual culture," when I believe you're trying to express that racism is just a hurdle of being part of two different nationalities at once. Also, there are some logical difficulties that you might want to smooth out (did you work hard because you wanted to be a true "American," or because of America's "competitive" nature? These two reasons work against each other. Lots of people work hard even though they're not competitive, and certainly the colleges would want you to have work ethic as a personal quality, and not a result of a nation's culture). You only have 200 words, so you should make sure they all count. </p>

<p>Like the previous poster said, you made some claims that had the potential to mean something, but without any evidence they kind of become meaningless cliches. I know it's hard with only a couple hundred words (I did this same essay two years ago, but to solve my problem I made this question my 600 word statement).</p>

<p>Also, especially since you only have a few paragraphs, try your best not to be redundant. Racism is a type of prejudice, at least in the way you're trying to put it.</p>

<p>Although diligence and work ethic are certainly admirable qualities that you can bring to college, I think the question prompts you to think hard about something special that you have that will benefit you as a future college student. Avoid anything that makes you sound arrogant; humility is always the best tone to convey in college essays (and really, in most communicative works). Also, the end of your personal statement should be sort of a settlement of accounts, a way to tack on a cheerful note at the end of what seems to be a troubled life. Definitely ditch the last sentence for the foregoing reasons, as it makes you sound both conceited and bitter by treating your race as an obstacle and not a blessing in disguise, so to speak.</p>

<p>It's very hard to write about hardships; undoubtedly, we all experience them in our lives, but in reality only a few have the eloquence to pen up an essay about one without sounding cliche, embittered, or pompous. If you pore through your essay again and find that you can't avoid these tones, the best way to solve your problem would be to write about something completely different, for example something that's inherently cheerful, humble, and meaningful.</p>

<p>Don't stress about it too much. The UC applications are due months from now, which gives you lots of time to improve your statements and ponder more about yourself.</p>

6

<p>What are the duals that African Americans face?</p>

7

<p>Forget duals. And you don't need to put quotes on american every time you use it.</p>

8

<p>Maybe you should consider writing about something other than race. It's so overwritten on college applications anyway, and with 200 words to work with it's nearly impossible to do justice to the subject. Also, avoid cliches such as "I've learned to overcome the evils of our dual society" or the like. Things like that are in line with "And that's why I strive for world peace," "Love can be expressed beyond the barriers of language," "I then learned that friendship is the most meaningful possession of all," "Helping people is very important in our society," etc. This rainbows-and-kittens style of writing won't help you in the least on your apps. But then again, it's really "not about whether you win or lose, but rather the experiences and wisdom you carry with you through the rest of your life."</p>