UC essay first prompt

<p>I would very much appreciate if anyone can read my essay and give me feedback on it. It is my dream to get into University of California:Berkley and I am a bit stressed about this essay because i am not sure if it answers the prompt fully. </p>

<p>Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>As I reflect back to the years that flew by, I cannot stop but wonder what my life would have been like if I stayed in South Korea. I did not have what one would call an average childhood. At the age of 8 years old, my dad got a transfer and my entire family was asked to move to South Africa. For an immature and childish boy to move to a foreign country and adapt to a new lifestyle, new culture, and new school was simply an immense task. To be frank, I struggled to adapt and I hated my new life. However, this initial struggle has proved to be the keystone in my life; simply put, it laid out the path that will show me the road to success. As I started to attend my new school, I felt out of place, not only did I fail to speak English fluently, but I was also a minority there. For this reason, I had to prove to myself that I could overcome such disadvantages and still be the best I could be. Such thoughts drove me to study extra hard, play sports with extra efforts, and be extra friendly to my peers. Soon enough my efforts paid off, my peers no longer saw me as a foreigner but as a friend, my teachers regarded me as a top student, but most importantly I was beginning to make myself and my family proud. It was at that moment that I recognized the power of perseverance and hard work. Since then, I studied extremely hard and tried to live my life to the fullest as I aimed for the top and aspire to be the best. I sincerely hope that such determination can bring success to my life and pride into my family, but whatever happens I will always be satisfied knowing that I tried my best for what I wanted in life. </p>

<p>Thanks in advance :D</p>

<p>First of all you shouldn’t post your essay online where everyone can see it. Perhaps you can delete your essay, then ask around if people want to give feedback.</p>

<p>You should add more imagery to vividly describe your experiences - this is how you personalize your essay or else it’s going to look like an essay ANYONE can write. Your essay gets quite dull because it’s just so standard. You try so hard/ learn from an experience and now you’re a changed person. You should write about a particular hard experience, what made it so hard. Describe, describe, describe!</p>

<p>Perhaps you can focus more on what your dreams and aspirations are?</p>