What do you think of my UC admission essay prompt #1?

<p>Prompt:
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>My essay:
Life is full of twists and turns, fortunate and unfortunate events. My life has been defined by these unexpected twists and turns, which shaped me as a man apathetic toward tragedies in life. Love, however, kept me intact with the people around me, prevented me from becoming malevolent man, and made me passionate about the happiness and achievements of life.
Growing up in an unprivileged environment in 60’s Korea, where Korean Civil War had still devastated the nation, my parents swore to make sure their children would not experience the same hardships. They worked hard and raised their social status from a low class citizen to a wealthy middle class family so that their children would have more and not face hunger. Thus, I grew up in middle class environment, not knowing how poverty feels like until I came to U.S., where I was born, to study arduously and achieve the American Dream.
Ironically, I faced scarcity and poverty living in America, where the American Dream was promised. The place I lived in – house in New Jersey where my grandparents and my aunts lived – lacked food and money, so I had to skip some meals and not buy the toys I wanted. I also faced a language barrier between me and other people from my school because I could not speak English. Furthermore, the death of my beloved grandmother made my aunt force me to come to California, where she would marry her fiancée for financial reasons. However, her greed and treachery led her to betray her own family when my mother came to America to live with me and my brother. She and her husband, a fake real estate agent, tricked my mom into buying a dying business and expensive house so that they can take the money and run. Betrayed by my own family member, I became apathetic to the tragedies in life. However, the people around me prevented me from becoming a malevolent man.
Countless people around me helped me to keep faith in life and prevented me from becoming hateful man by expressing love, kindness, and generosity to me and my family. In New Jersey, my third-grade teacher, Ms. Sherri, guided me what to do in school when I was lost due to the language barrier. Thanks to her, I was able to understand the classroom behaviors and adapt to the school easily. Also, my grandmother helped me to establish my relationship with God. Even though she was dying from the cancer she had over the years, my grandmother loved me and my brother unconditionally and disciplined me to do what is right when I was angry or frustrated. Even in her dying breath, she called for her grandchildren and made sure her grandchildren would take the right path in life. Furthermore, my parents kept me from giving up. They would usually say, “Man’s limit does not exist, you are full of capabilities” whenever I failed to succeed in certain tasks. Because they never gave up on me, I do not any reason to stop or acquiesce to my failures whenever I’m faced with difficulties. Because I received love and kindness from countless people, including the ones I did not mention earlier, I was able to keep myself amiable rather than to stay oppressive.
People’s lives are full of twists and turns, and I have met many unfortunate events. However, because I also experienced many fortunate events, I hope that my life may now be full of fortunate twists and wonders. I look forward to a better future by studying arduously and achieve the American Dream that I wanted to earn long time ago.</p>

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<p>I think you’ve done a great job. These events you’ve gone through will definitely have an impression on admission officers. They are unique.</p>

<p>You didn’t do a bad job, but your writing is fairly idiomatic and not very concise. I would ask the counselor or an English teacher to proof-read your essay. </p>

<p>Your topic is fine, although be warned that losing a family member is one of the most common essay topics.</p>