UC Prompt #1, Critiques Needed

<p>I basically constructed a rough draft for my UC Prompt #1 Essay, and any help or criticism would be very much appreciated! I thank you for your time.</p>

<p>Prompt: "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."</p>

<p>My essay where it stands: Growing up in the little, safe town of Fallbrook, California has immersed me into a lifestyle that I’m sure many people can relate to. Owning the title of the “Avocado Capital of the World,” this place is really only home to several restaurants and a local movie theatre, which draws everyone in on the weekends. In fact, this town is so small that whenever I’m out with my dad, we’ll always find at least three people that know him because he was their former 8th grade science teacher. Being the youngest sibling of two older brothers and a sister was especially rough at times, but for the most part, I appreciated and looked up to them. I remember when we were younger and the days seemed limitless, when we would play in the grove for hours on end, or watch baseball highlights on ESPN, or ride our shiny bikes down to McDonald’s for lunch. Now time has greatly passed and two of them have graduated from the University of California, San Diego with their plans for the future already laid out. When I went to my brother’s ceremony a few years back, I waited patiently for his name to be called, listening through the hundreds of people that were announced, knowing that all these intelligent people were going places. When his name was finally broadcast over the microphone, I watched him with thrill and excitement as he shook hands firmly and accepted his diploma. It took a while, but it eventually sank in that my oldest brother had just graduated from a very reputable university. As he confidently walked off the stage, I suddenly came to the realization after seeing his success that I wanted to attain a positive, effective, and rewarding career in something that I loved, rather than what the salary would be. Even though I still didn’t have a clue of what I wanted to do in life, I knew I had to prepare effectively for whatever it was. In order to reach this desire, I worked diligently in the years ahead with the single goal of pursing perfection, regardless of the outcome. Whether I was working on my jump shot in basketball or memorizing vocab for a test the next day, I always tried to achieve flawlessness. Sometimes I would see great results, and other times I would fall flat on my face. However, this new attitude and mentality completely changed the way I woke up out of bed in the morning. As high school progressed, I became increasingly more interested in the field of law enforcement and after some time, eventually discovered that my aspirations were to have a profession in that specialty. When I leave high school and venture into the next stages of my life, I hope to continue the ambition of always striving to put forth the best work, which is something that I still carry with me to this day.</p>