<p>give me some feedback and I'll read yours!
-don't bs me tell me if I need to change something</p>
<p>Identity is like a mathematical theorem. It defines everything, but can never be captured and compressed into words. It, in all of it’s mystery is what you are looking for in me as I am in myself. Just what makes up who we are has always interested me, an interest that is the foundation of my aspirations in Psychology.
For K through fifth grade I attended Walden, an extremely unconventional school in both academic approach and culture. In academics, we had no grades, tests or anything that might create an academic achievement hierarchy. Instead we enjoyed a ninety minute recess, camping trips and hours of silent reading. In my past years of highschool I would often reflect with spite and self pity on Walden. Why they had done so little to prepare me mentally and in curriculum seemed tragically unfair. In retrospect I understand that Walden has not damaged me, but contributed to who I am. In what I find intellectually stimulating and exciting I have always engaged with my fullest intensity. Competitive by nature, I have always committed in full to my passions, Ultimate Frisbee being a prime example. In the numerical hamster wheel of academics I have for the most part felt uninspired and lethargic. The fearful intensity in which other college bound students approached high school puzzled me. The truth behind this mystery is that I did and still do not view myself as a gpa or sat score, but as an individual that cannot be ranked or categorized.
My interest in psychology grew into a passion due to me living on the edge of Berkeley and Oakland, a direct split between wealthy and poor. What causes the achievement gap between friends living within walking distance but worlds apart has been a problem that I have long struggled to cope with. Perhaps the greatest gift of Walden is a need to ask questions, and an understanding why I am asking them. The thought of stepping out into a realm of my own interest brings a joy that truly cannot be described.</p>
<p>The first paragraph can go. The middle section is good, but again, why are you applying to the largest public university system in the country, consisting of schools filled with students that possess this “fearful intensity” you speak of? The final paragraph comes out of nowhere.</p>
<p>kind of vague…
I’m not sure what you want to convey exactly. You seem to have two topics, Walden and living location? Or just the unconventional education you received in Walden inspires you to learn psychology? You need to be more specific, give some details and examples.
Of course it’s just my opinion.</p>
<p>I’m taking out the silly intro, but should I not mention where I live and talk more about walden affecting aspirations or try to work in the last bit?</p>
<p>I think the Walden part is really good. You can talk more about it (your world) and the aspirations (learn psychology). Just be sure to answer “how” in the prompt. Also, your essay can be a little longer. You should work on the final paragraph because it doesn’t connect with other parts of the essay well.</p>
<p>The writing is not well put together. “Identity is like a mathematical theorem…my aspirations in Psychology” You mention mathematics so logically one will think you want to do math but then you turn everything around. </p>
<p>Also. “In academics, we had no grades, tests or anything that might create an academic achievement hierarchy. Instead we enjoyed a ninety minute recess, camping trips and hours of silent reading. In my past years of highschool I would often reflect with spite and self pity on Walden. Why they had done so little to prepare me mentally and in curriculum seemed tragically unfair. In retrospect I understand that Walden has not damaged me,” See the first through fourth sentences seem negative / bad then the last sentence seems positive or good. The flow is off. So it’s hard to tell if this is a good thing or bad thing.</p>
<p>This is pretty uneven and needs work to make it more cohesive and more specific. It is kind of lazy. The grammer is poor. You need to take each sentence one at a time and make sure it is the best it can be, and that it means something. Sometimes it isn’t even a complete sentence:</p>
<p>Ultimate Frisbee being a prime example.</p>
<p>There’s too much gobelty-gook, like those first few sentences. And </p>
<p>n the numerical hamster wheel of academics I have for the most part felt uninspired and lethargic. </p>
<p>*** is the numerical hamster wheel? academics or high school? if you say academics, you are including the UC’s you are applying to. Are you saying you can’t give grades priorites? or what are you really trying to say about yourself.</p>
<p>and what does this mean? </p>
<p>The thought of stepping out into a realm of my own interest brings a joy that truly cannot be described.</p>
<p>You mention psychology at beginning and then at end, but no cohesion. </p>
<p>So take the ideas you have and try to tell a story moving from one point to the next and not doubling back again. Remember you are trying to give a glimpse of yourself and influences. So the Walden stuff is good, and where you live. But try to tell a story here. But I don’t like you trying to address the college application process of gpa and sat as not ‘you’. Do you realize you are saying you have no passion for academics and only interested in stuff like ultimate frisbee? that is not a good message to send.</p>
<p>I think you can do okay with this. Flesh it out a little, get specific with what does inspire you and what you do to nurture that interest. You’ve been able to experience some diversity in schooling and in friends and community so maybe you can make that more thematic.</p>
<p>by the way, please don’t post future essays online. Read warnings and suggestions pinned at the top of the forum.</p>