<p>I would really appreciate it if someone would help me edit this essay. It's for the UC Personal Statement #2 which is "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"</p>
<pre><code> When I was four years old, I performed for the first time in my grandparents home (I feel like this first sentence doesn't fit with the rest of the essay. Any advice on where else I can place it?). I scanned my eyes across the familiar living room and saw the encouraging smiles of my entire family as I took my first position. I could feel my palms and the soles of my feet starting to sweat. Goosebumps popped up on my skin as a cold shiver ran through me. My heart began to beat rapidly, mimicking the beat of a steady drum. I tried to calm myself. Just look at the wall, I thought.
The song started and I tried unsuccessfully to remember what moves were next in the choreography that I had learned. My cousin, who noticed my failing attempts, tried to aid me by using small hand movements to remind me of the routine. However, I still stumbled. My right thumb even got caught in a dangling mess of thread from my Indian outfit. As soon as the song ended, I ran straight to my mother and hid my face in her arms.
</code></pre>
<p>(I make a big jump in relation to time between these two paragraphs in order to show a stark contrast between then and now. Is this a good idea or should I add more things about my experience as a dancer in between these paragraphs to make it more gradual?)</p>
<pre><code> Thirteen years later, I performed as a lead dancer in a large Bollywood musical production in front of an enormous and intimidating audience: 8,000 people. When the curtain first opened, I gazed across the crowd and felt a rush of adrenaline surge through me. I was ready. Three months of strenuous practice had led to this night. I could feel each member of my group energize as the opening song started. This time I confidently moved to the beats and expressed the emotions of the powerful tune.
I eagerly learned many dances for that night. However, the one that I most awaited to perform to was my duet. Though I was the newest member to the dance group, my instructor gave me the opportunity to truly showcase my talent. My partner and I spent weeks rehearsing for our fateful moment to shine. When that time had come, we executed each move with grace and power. Behind the booming music, I could hear faint voices cheering and shouting our names. The only two people dancing in front of such a large crowd, we energized the crowd and exerted confidence.
I look back on that experience as the pinnacle of my high school dance career. The past thirteen years of training had led to that moment (aaaaaand now I am stuck)
</code></pre>