Personal Statement 2.

College Essays
1

<p>I will edit essay's for an edit on mine. Please and thank you. I wrote a similar essay earlier, but due to comments that it was bad I tried to use my topic for the second statement rather than the first.</p>

<p>Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>The summer of my 14th year, I got my own apartment in Branson, Missouri, a city 1,500 miles from home. With this new place to call my own, I did what every tween would do; I paid bills. Granted, I may have hid all the mysterious white envelopes until I got one marked “final notice”, but eventually, I learned about the horrors of paying for basic necessities. Those new experiences were made possible by the job I had as a contortionist performing for Cirque Montage. For the duration of the season, I was at the theater for ten hours each day, practicing, performing, and ultimately, learning valuable lessons.
Living with the show’s absent director, I had the apartment all to myself. Initially, this newfound freedom was invigorating. I didn’t have a curfew, I ate ice cream for dinner, and most importantly, I didn’t have anyone to tell me what I could and could not do. After a few days of childish behavior and unwashed dishes, my excitement withered as quickly as the plants I didn’t water. Being fourteen, an entire summer away from home was agonizing and nearly impossible. I had to adjust to working, doing my own grocery shopping, and bringing home a paycheck. The adult life rapidly became overwhelming. I quickly discovered that I took for granted all of the things my parents did for me. Some nights after performing for an inappropriate or unpleasant audience, I wished for a warm meal, comforting family, and uplifting advice. Upon arriving at a soulless apartment, I would realize it was my job to provide these for myself. The most difficult part was not having anyone there to console me when I wanted to give up and go back home.
Upon self-reflection, I realize how central this experience was in shaping my identity. This experience shows who I am because it shows how I took responsibility in order to grow up and become self-reliant. I was determined to transition into an adult, so I endured the difficulties and rose above them, which is exactly how I deal with most problems and challenges. This summer shows a lot about my independent nature and my strong will. Being unaided in a foreign place, I was forced to adapt and take the role of an adult; a role that, to this day, I’ve never relinquished.
Throughout the entire summer, I continued to grow up and learn, which is what I am most proud of. This experience was a snapshot of my personal turning point. In that summer, I felt the childish tendencies slip out of my body, and I proudly took a step into the great wonder and hardship of adulthood. I was impressed that I was able to mature without any guidance. This experience is etched in my mind like a tableau vivant that represents my own bildungsroman. I greatly value my coming of age story for the transition that transformed me into the mature young adult I am today.</p>

2

<p>A) this sounds kinda like the answer to prompt 1.
B) you have good experience but you really need to work on your writing style. For instance “The summer of my 14th year” of my 14th year is pretty vague, your 14th year of what? Furthermore does this 14th year even matter? You need to find a tutor or someone who can help you with writing. This statement has a lot of promise but it needs a lot of editing to really shine.</p>

3

<p>Omit ponderous stuff like your opening, who says that? Try “When I was fourteen…”</p>

<p>This is a terrific story. You need to go line by line and make each count, and make each be well written. Have the ‘story’ move forward, not stay bogged down or double back on itself.</p>

<p>mysterious white envelopes, really?</p>

<p>There are awkward phrasings that can be cleaned up, like:</p>

<p>Living with the show’s absent director</p>

<p>Upon arriving at a s/b returning to my</p>

<p>Use active voice:
I would realize s/b I realized</p>

<p>The entire last few sentences of that too huge 2nd paragraph and the first few sentences of the next are all ‘telling, not showing’. You want to illustrate those points for the reader so they can draw those conclusions, instead of having to tell them. Tell a little sure.</p>

<p>Try to remove any phrase that is overused and use specific words that are meaningful.</p>

<p>rose above them</p>

<p>Last sentence is good though.</p>

<p>Oh and in future, please don’t post sensitive material like your personal essays in online forums. We PM people here, you can do it when you have 15 posts. Read Warning pinned to top of page.</p>