UC Prompt #1 Essay revision please...

<p>Hi! I'm applying to UCs but I need help with revision and i need to know if it is unique or boring. Can anyone please read my essay? The prompt is "Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations". </p>

<p>My life was surrounded by babies, starting from when I was 8, as my grandmother’s Estern Social Welfare Foundation orphanage assistant to 17, (now) as a volunteer babysitter at church and a volunteer at Korean school in kindergarten class. Whenever I’m with children, I get happy and my world of children-loving has shaped my image into motherly and caring.</p>

<p>Because of my love for children, I started to think about careers related to children such as a nurse in the children section in hospitals or preschool teachers. However, the job that interested me the most was about child psychology because I’m always near children but it’s frustrating how I don’t understand them sometimes. I was also curious on what, why and how children think and behave. There were a few experiences in my life that sparked my interest. </p>

<p>When I was five, my toenail fell. My parents were rearranging the furniture so I thought I could help them by moving the computer. Therefore I tried to carry it but because I was young, I wasn’t able to and I dropped the computer on my big toe which made it turn purple. I remember that I didn’t cry because I thought I was going to get in trouble. So I kept quiet but my parents found out because I was limping. A few days later, my toenail fell. </p>

<p>I recently talked to my parents about this incident and they were amazed at how I remembered what had happened and what I had felt during the incident because I am a very forgetful person who sometimes can’t remember what I ate the day before. This made me wonder how and why children behave in a certain way. </p>

<p>Another experience in my life was from a 4 months old baby Eden. I take care of her often at church but she always stares at people without any expression. I know it is normal for babies to do that but that made me wonder what babies think about. </p>

<p>Lastly, another experience that sparked my interest was from the 4 months old baby’s sister, Abby, who is now currently 2 years old. When she was young, about 8 months, she learned baby sign language from her mother. Her mother would repeat the sign over and over such as please to help her communicate using baby sign language. It was interesting because Abby actually kind of communicated with me and my other friends using her language. So this made me curious about how they learn and in what types of ways can they learn at certain stages in life. </p>

<p>These experiences are common in my world but these three experiences made me really wonder about my dreams. My aspiration is to study something about children so that in the future I can use it for future children I take care of.</p>

<p>I think you should start your essay out with a story. Make your first sentence one that will grab the reader and want him/her to read more. You could start it out with your toenail story. Something like, “I looked down at my throbbing purple toe and was determined to conceal the pain from my parents.” </p>

<p>Then, you describe what happened with the computer monitor and how you were more concerned with getting in trouble and not with the physical pain and how that experience made you wonder how little minds tick. Then, go back to your first sentence about your life being surrounded by babies, etc… . You also need more information about your family. How did your experiences growing up shape who you are today? Remember to “show” don’t tell. </p>

<p>Also, when you say your toenail “fell” you might want to clarify that by saying, “Your toenail fell off” instead of just saying “fell.” </p>

<p>Your closing also needs work. Your writing is vague where you write, “My aspiration is to study something about children…” What do you mean by “something?” Dig deeper and be specific. </p>

<p>Your essay has potential. Keep working on it though!</p>