UC personal statement editing?

<p>any feedback at all would be greatly appreciated, thankyou.</p>

<p>UC Personal Statement 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment,
contribution or experience that is important to you.
What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud,
and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<pre><code>Since time immemorial, I have been a most curious lad, adaptable and aware of the views and feelings of others. My childhood was spent staring at atlases, children’s science books, watching (but not probably not understanding) NOVA, and, my favorite book, the Big Book of Questions and Answers. The latter contained questions regarding cultures, physical concepts, and explanations for natural phenomena. I would always seek to understand the why behind things, and not accept, “just because,” as a suitable explanation. I would imitate the irrigation of Egypt in our backyard with a hose and dirt trenches, draw rudimentary sketches of steam engines as to better understand how they worked, and as I got older, the more I became aware of, and the more I wanted to know. I began to realize that the more a person learns, the more one has yet to discover. I began to wonder why people acted and behaved in the ways they do, and became fascinated with cultures and other humans. What came up a lot in my thoughts was how is it possible that the same beings that can commit unspeakable horrors to each other, can love, and commit selfless acts out of the kindness of their hearts.
What captivated me most about human behavior is why people create. What is inherent about our selves that leads us to the construction of grand buildings, monuments, art, vehicles, social systems, literature. I believe it is because man wishes to manufacture order, in a universe seemingly devoid of it. But there is method in the madness, as the universe is constrained by laws and principles, yet so complex that it takes much more attention than many wish to pay to even begin comprehend it. We will never fully understand our world, but we can seek to better it for others, and this is what I wish to do with my life. I love to build and create, as every person does, however, for different reasons. I am proud of my curiosity, as I believe it is a trait which exists in everyone, but is generally neglected by many, especially those who focus simply on themselves. Everyone’s experience of life is different from every other persons, and this is but a slice of mine.
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<p>That first sentence makes you sound like a fifty year old man from the 1920s, and I’m very, very aware of this mask. You want to at least give the illusion of showing who you “are” in your personal statement.</p>

<p>I mean, “I have been a most curious lad”… really? It sounds like you’re trying way too hard to be someone you are not. Just say “I have always been curious.” Take out “Since time immemorial.”</p>

<p>You’ll sound much more sincere.</p>

<p>Besides that, great essay. Especially loved the irrigation of Egypt part.</p>

<p>Hahaha, yeah, it kind of does. But, I actually have been referred to as “grandpa” before, and its exactly because of things like this :P. Ill definitely change it, thanks.</p>