<p>A lonely pollen, carried from it's habitat to be re-grown in an alien world, it is familiar with absolutely nothing not even itself. Growing up as a single child, I rarely if ever shared anything with anyone and vice versa. If I had a bag of chips, I ate it on my own, and tried to avoid my classmates to the best of my ability; If I had a question or was stuck on an assignment, I concealed it to myself both refusing and frightened to ask for assistance. Solitude was a normal thing for me, not only did I have to cope with my mother’s gambling habits, often gone for days at a time. But also, with my father’s inability to hold down a job, since he was a seasonal worker who knew not a single word of English. That left limited time for them to attend to me, I would often sit in front of my computer further isolating myself from the rest of humanity, seemingly not caring about a single thing that was occurring in reality, however that was all about to change. One day, my fifth grade teacher, jet black hair with emerald green eyes, surrounded by a pair of spectacles I called her, “Ms.Flynn.,” gave the entire class an atlas labeled: “Power Tools for kids, My United States and World map”. From that moment on, I’ve fantasized about traveling the world, meeting new people and experiencing the numerous cultures God had to offer. As my trip in Brazil was ending, I awoken with dozens of red dots on my arms, legs, and face, I discovered that I had about a hundred mosquito’s devouring my blood, at first I thought it was nothing, I got mosquito bites all the time, but over the next ten days, my head felt like it was imprisoning a hurricane. I suspected that I had malaria, the more research I did online, the more paranoid I became, I thought I would never see my parents again. That’s when I thought of all those homeless people I saw in the slums, living in poverty, having little to no electricity, no proper medicine and no proper personal hygiene, how they were suffering worse than me. Nevertheless, my blood test came back negative, and with time I recovered. During this array of time, I learned a valuable lesson, that each and every life on this Earth is precious and we as human beings should do the of our ability to help one another. As a result, I was devoted to becoming an Engineer, so i can pioneer further advanced medical equipment, to detect and prevent such hazardous diseases. Till this day, that is where all my aspiration comes from, a piece of plastic with names of every country, there was nothing special about it, but it was enough to captivate and influence this ten year old’s attention.</p>
<p>Can you guys give me some feedback? Greatly appreciated </p>
<p>You have some good ideas, but it still needs work. For starters, The essay needs to be broken up into more than one paragraph.
Also, the part about your trip to brazil kind of came out of nowhere, so I would add a sentence or two explaining why you went there, and how you got there. By the sound of it, you went without your parents, if so, you should find a place for that, it sounds interesting.
I would also put more of an emphasis on how you this inspired you to be an engineer. Similarly, You might want to cut a bit out of the first part of the essay, where you talk about being a solitary kid. It isn’t really relevant to your main point (My time in Brazil inspired me to become an engineer so I can help people).</p>
<p>It sounds like you have some solid experiences, and ideas to build your essay off. You just need a little help with organization.
This website is helping me out a lot with my UC app
<a href=“http://www.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/2014/11/uc-college-application-essay-boot-camp.html”>http://www.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/2014/11/uc-college-application-essay-boot-camp.html</a></p>
<p>good luck</p>
<p>P.S. If you don’t mind me asking, what UCs are you applying to?</p>
<p>Davis, Santa Cruz, Santa Barbara, and LA</p>
<p>Agree with sos80. It’s very disjointed. The atlas is a nice metaphor, but you need to tell us exactly how you got from alienated homebody to having fantasies of meeting new people all over the world; Plus, I’m betting you can come up with a more interesting reason why you want to be an engineer than the very cliched “Every life is precious and I want to help people.”</p>
<p>Are you a native English speaker? This is also full of grammatical errors, sentence fragments and really odd phrases that detract from the point you are trying to make. </p>