<p>As deadline approaches nearer, I have finally finished my personal statement. Barely making my account, I don't have the option to PM, so I will post it here. Thank you in advanced for helping me out in my time of need. </p>
<p>I reach over to the nightstand, turn off the alarm clock, pry my heavy eyelids open, glance at the clock and realize it is 5:30 am; it is the first day of high school. As a part of my daily routine I ask myself Why do I even go to this school if it is so far away? Looking back, the transition to a school thirty miles away has shaped me to become an individual that considers all possible options before making the right choice.
Abandoning childhood friends and waking up early, I was skeptical about attending a new school in a whole new environment. My first impression on the students was that they were condescending and that I wouldn't mesh well with them. The thought of having to meet new friends petrified me. During the first week of freshman year, I contemplated transferring to where I would feel more comfortable. The only thing that I looked forward to during school was lunchtime, it was the only time I could be myself because I was around my brother and his friends. Being only two years older, my brother and I shared the same interests, hobbies and even the same friends and was the sole reason I attended this school. However, I knew that once he graduated I would be back to square one.
Two years later, my experience with school was even worse. Bus rides were lonelier and the only time I felt comfortable perished. Weeks felt like centuries as they dragged and my urge to switch schools was greater than ever. One night, I approached my mother and asked if I could switch schools. She told she knew how I felt ; when she first came to America, she left her friends and family behind to seek a better life with my father. Her first months consisted of her crying over the phone wanting to move back home. My mother assured me that as long as I wasn't causing trouble, new friends would eventually come. While following my mothers advice, I started opening up to students that I had deemed stuck up and realized that my opinion was flawed. School had become bearable again, but there was always the itch to reconnect with childhood companions.
My views on my old friends completely changed one day while I was walking home from the bus stop. Going the same route I usually go after school, I noticed a group of students from the local school suspiciously walking. I glance over out of curiosity and recognized several of my closest friends smoking. They had fallen to the temptations of peer pressure and went down the road of drugs. If I attended the same school I would've been a part of that group, knowing my naive nature. In hindsight, going to a school far away saved my life and future.</p>
<p>Your essay is pretty good! I love the topic too because my topic is on how I moved from place to place and had trouble fitting in. The experience is also pretty good too and I liked your use of “show not tell.” But I feel like there’s too much experience. I can understand how this experience helped you in avoiding a life wrecking situation, but you mostly talk about the first part of the prompt – an experience that is important to you. I feel like you should explain more on how this experience “shaped your dreams and aspirations”. The aspirations portion of the essay should be half of the essay, maybe even more. After all, that IS the heart of this essay</p>
<p>"Two years later, my experience with school was even worse. Bus rides were lonelier and the only time I felt comfortable perished. "</p>
<p>“I felt alone riding the bus to school.” </p>
<p>2nd) A positive personal statement is usually better than a negative one. If you are going to put in such negative details, you need very strong positives to outweigh them. </p>
<p>Think of any TV show or movie. In the beginning the protagonist is a loser/weakling/nerd and at the end his journey he is now accepted as one of the guys or even a leader. Your story would need to focus on how you overcame these problems. Ending the paragraph with “but there was always the itch to reconnect with childhood companions.” is weak.</p>
<p>Lastly, your last paragraph is completely different from the first three. It is about your old friends sucking and doing drugs. “In hindsight, going to a school far away saved my life and future.” is completely different from the rest of the story you built in 1-3.</p>
<p>^yeah that guy really does have some great insight. After reading this essay, I have no idea what your dreams and aspirations are. You’re going to want to model your essay around this, so a lot of it needs to be changed. Make sure you answer the question.</p>
<p>wow my essay needs tons of work. Thank you bomerr and squirtle123 for your insights. I would’ve submitted this mess if it weren’t for all of your opinions.</p>
<p>My original draft was like that too. I had a lot of different thoughts and opinions about my topic. I realized that I was sending too many mixed messages and it was confusing to read. When I really focused my writing and talked abut only the most important parts did I get a cohesive message.</p>
<p>FYI, John Updike is famous for saying that he is not a good writer but he is a good re-writer. Keep at it. With hard work, your writing skill and ability to internalize constructive criticism, you can develop a strong essay.</p>