UC Prompt 1

College Essays
1

<p>Hello everyone! I've finished a rough draft of what I would like to say in the first prompt. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated! I'm basically trying to say that my parents community involvement and my own hospital experiences have led me to want to be a doctor. </p>

<p>I come from a family that is very community oriented. My mother and father have always put others before themselves and donated much of their time to our community. While my sister was active in softball at a park near my home, my parents got active in the softball community. My father was a coach of a team and on the board of directors, and my mother was also on the board. Being this active in the community consumed much of their time, as they had their own jobs and worries to take care of, but they were always glad to put on events for the teams and improve the playing experience of the girls. My parents would always come home after a long day at work and the park, but would say that all the invested time was worth it because they were leaving behind their legacy. They were leaving behind memories to be remembered by. All their hard work in my community influenced me to also want involvement in the community. As I am constantly ill and make many visits to hospitals, the idea dawned upon me of the best community involvement. My world of watching my parents and my own hospitalizations inspired me want to become a surgeon. A good surgeon makes great impacts on many lives. The lives that are saved go on to achieve their own goals, and make their own impacts on other lives. This is the ultimate source of community involvement, because not only does a surgeon impact one’s life, but the life saved goes on to impact others, and the cycle continues. Not only that, but surgeons receive much gratitude for saving the life they hold in their hands on the operating table. The doctor who takes care of me during my times of illness has definitely impacted my life, and I will never be able to thank him enough for all the work he does. I want to be able to retire in my old age knowing that many people hold me dear in their hearts. This is the goal of community involvement; to make a small impact on one’s life and know that they will remember and thank you for it. I know that achieving my goal is many years away, but the influence of my unique world has given me the jump start needed, and I have always worked hard to grasp it.</p>

2

<p>I like your essay because your humanism shows and because I can understand your dreams. Here’s what you can add or revise: what have you done to fulfill your dream of becoming a surgeon? What was it about your hospitalizations that made you want to become one? What do you want the reader to know about you?</p>

3

<p>Wow… great essay!</p>

4

<p>I’ll try to add those revisions in, I’m really pressed for word count.</p>

5

<p>You can really shorten the following sentences:
“A good surgeon makes great impacts on many lives. The lives that are saved go on to achieve their own goals, and make their own impacts on other lives. This is the ultimate source of community involvement, because not only does a surgeon impact one’s life, but the life saved goes on to impact others, and the cycle continues. Not only that, but surgeons receive much gratitude for saving the life they hold in their hands on the operating table.”</p>