UF Essay, my essay, how does it look?

College Essays
1

<p>If someone would be willing to read my essay, write under here that you would like to be contacted by PM please.</p>

2

<p>Two errors in the second paragraph … “between you and ?” and missing word in last sentence.</p>

<p>Maybe provide a different example than Washington state as an exposure to culture in paragraph 3 (seeing as you’ve visited 20 other countries). I realize you provide better examples later in the essay, but why not use a strong example in the first mention?</p>

<p>Also - in general, the mix between “exposure to culture” and “parental divorce” is fairly tenuous. I think I’d really focus on one or the other, as trying to merge the two into the same narrative weakens any real impact of either subject.</p>

<p>Finally, given the assigned topic asks how your experience will affect your college experience, your final sentence comes across as a mere afterthought (as UoF or college experience isn’t mentioned anywhere else in the entire essay).</p>

<p>I would suggest popping by your English teacher’s office for more assistance :slight_smile: </p>

<p>My deux centimes.</p>

<p>A dad.</p>

3

<p>Thank you; great points.</p>

4

<p>Honestly - a more gripping essay would open with your train experience and making a new-found foreign friend, and then filling in some of the back story (and if divorce is a part of it, make that a simple mention, rather than a main thrust of the essay … ). Make the first part a narrative of how you ended up on the train, and take the opportunity to add some descriptive flavor to the event. </p>

<p>Sorry … new to this whole CC thing, so I don’t know the etiquette of commenting on essays.</p>

<p>Anyhoo … that’s about all I have to contribute. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

5

<p>And if you want to PM me another draft, I’d be happy to look at it.</p>

<p>Cheers.</p>

6

<p>One more thing - here’s an example of an essay that effectively conveys what you are trying to accomplish. Not how the first paragraph draws you in … (link courtesy of another poster somewhere in this forum).</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.learnerator.com/admissions-essays/columbia-university/life-changing-trip-to-japan/#more-111[/url]”>http://www.learnerator.com/admissions-essays/columbia-university/life-changing-trip-to-japan/#more-111&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;