Undergraduate admission Essay Feedback Please!

College Essays
1

<p>If you guys can please give me some constructive criticism, feedback, and just review/revise my essay, any suggestions, and simply your thoughts. I am a transfer student getting ready to send in my application to UC Boulder and need feedback on my essay. Thanks!</p>

<p>The University of Colorado at Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?</p>

<p>Growing up in the 21st century has given me the privilege to grow up in an atmosphere where diversity, is truly embraced. I see the United States as a melting pot, where a plethora of races, cultures, and languages come together to form our nation. Attending college for the past month has not only made me value diversity even more, but has also helped me discover myself, as well as my passions and ambitions. At this stage in my life as a community college student, I feel that I am a great fit for the University of Colorado Boulder. I am confident on who I am as a person, what I want out of live, and the steps I have to take to get there. I possess many skills and qualities that are essential assets for the student culture at CU Boulder. </p>

<p>Barack Obama once said, “Success is not measured by the amount of money you make, but the difference you make in people’s life’s” This is one of the phrases I can truly say I live by. Everyday I think of ways in which I can improve myself without losing my essence, so that I can then improve the lives of others and make a difference even if it is a small one. I have put my people and facilitating skills to the test by getting involved in several activities like Project VOYCE, a non-profit organization that works towards building rapport between teachers and students to ultimately, enrich the quality of education in our schools. I have also stayed involved with my high school by helping translate to parents during registration and promoting ways students can get involved within the school and the community. Working at a financial institution like Wells Fargo was not my idea of a fun summer but eventually, I developed a lot of social and banking skills by helping customers succeed financially as well as handling transactions. I feel that by getting involved in small activities like this, I have formed a basic trail that I must follow in order to get to my final destination.</p>

<p>By attending CU, I will strive academically while getting involved in community service work and internships as much as possible. By joining a Residential Academic Program, I am convinced that I will excel in my academic performance, thus, have a successful collegiate career. Making my parents proud and being an inspiration for my young siblings by being the first college graduate in my family will fulfill me entirely. My leadership skills and viewpoints as a minority are great assets for the CU community that I want to become a part of. CU offers every opportunity I need in order to get to where I want to be. My success at CU will not rely on the amount of tuition I pay, but the commitment I will make towards my academics, and the difference I am looking to make in the Boulder campus and in the community. Go Buffs!</p>

2

<p>First of all, I know people have told me that I shouldn’t post my essays anywhere, because it leaves them open for other people to steal from! So I’d recommend that you go to the thread labeled “Important!” at the top of the college essays forum, where there’s a list of people who will read and critique your essay for you if you pm them! Just for future reference - but I’ve already read your essay so I’d be glad to give you a critique.</p>

<p>I’ll start with some minor grammatical errors that will be easy to fix - </p>

<p>

You used the phrase "growing up twice in this sentence - switch one of them to another phrase. Remove the comma after diversity - you don’t need a comma there.</p>

<p>

IT would sound better as “I am more confident OF who I am as a person.” Then in the same sentence:

should be “what I want out of LIFE”</p>

<p>At the end of your first paragraph, you say that you have essential skills and qualities - tell them what these skills and qualities are. Just a few added to the end of that paragraph will really help it.</p>

<p>

The ending should say, “difference you make in people’s LIVES.”</p>

<p>

This is a run-on sentence, you can split it into two separate sentences to make your writing sound more fluid.</p>

<p>

I recommend rephrasing the beginning to say, " I am skilled at facilliating understanding and communication between others, and have used this to…" and then the VOYCE part. Again, this sentence was a run-on, so I would also advise that you split it into two or even three sentences, based on how much information is packed in there.</p>

<p>Now in the next idea about translating for parents at your old high school, make sure you explain what you are translating. Do they speak a different language? Make sure you are very clear, because college admissions readers may not know what you mean.</p>

<p>You then start talking about a job at Wells Fargo. I feel that this doesn’t fit with the theme of the rest of your essay, and that removing it would give your essay more focus. I would also leave the part about your “final destination” until your last paragraph, because it would fit better there.</p>

<p>

should read, “performance, AND thus,”</p>

<p>My final thoughts are that you did an excellent job tying in you quote from Obama with the ending about the difference you make being more important than money. Try to work in a sentence that clearly shows the connection between these two parts in your essay - Maybe add something like, “Similar to President Obama’s ideals, I know that…”

Then all you have to do is split that into two sentences, because it’s another run-on; and then you’re golden!</p>

<p>I think your essay shows elements of your character that the admissions team will like to see! It shows that you are hard-working, and that you are trying to step up into a new college experience by leaving behind your old college. I don’t know why you didn’t go to this college for your previous year - but it may help to show them more about you if you explain it.</p>

<p>You’re off to a great start with this essay and I really hope that my comments will help you! I hope you get in!</p>

3

<p>Some quick comments-
You bury your lead. It’s not until the end of your essay that you tell us you’re a minority student and the first in your family to attend college. Give this to us earlier and use it to help explain why your work as a translator and in banking are important to you.</p>

<p>I would cut out the entire first paragraph. It really doesn’t answer the question. It goes without saying that you value diversity and think you’d be a good fit for CB. The first paragraph as it stand now tell us very little about you, and you are what the ad. reps. really want to learn about. Instead lead with your current second paragraph.</p>

<p>Remember, showing is more powerful than telling and the more specific and detailed you are in your descriptions the better the reading will be able to form a picture of you as an individual.</p>

<p>Have someone proofread your final draft for the kind of mistakes marblesnadkermie highlights.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>