Unhappy at boarding school - advice?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I go to a private boarding school in New England, and I hate it. I'm in my second year here (I'm a sophomore) and I'm utterly miserable. I wasn't too happy here in my freshman year, but I thought I should give myself some time to make friends and learn to love it here. Now I'm a sophomore and I'm <em>still</em> miserable. I hate my classes and I hate the way they're taught and I hate my classmates and I just want to go home. </p>

<p>I've tried so hard to fit in here, but I know now that this high school is not a match for me. I wish I'd figured this out before I accepted my place, but I wanted to be here so badly. This school has a lot of prestige and I fooled myself into thinking that I'd belong here and that I'd be happy. I worked so hard to get here and now all I want to do is go home.</p>

<p>I go home to Connecticut every weekend and it's the only thing that's keeping me sane. I know, I should stay over weekends, and believe me, I tried. I stayed most weekends last year, and I was so unhappy. My mom drops me back off at school on Sunday night, and from the second she drives off, I start thinking about her coming to pick me up on Friday night. On the drive back to school Sunday night, it takes every bit of strength I have not to break down crying and beg my mom to take me home again.</p>

<p>I just want to go home. I miss my mom and my friends and my dog and my house and I even miss my sister.</p>

<p>But I'm scared - I worked so hard to get here and it's such a good school and it would help me to get into my top choice colleges. But then, I think that I'm just so miserable here that there's just no way I'll be able to cope with another two and a half years here. I've tried talking to my mom about it and she said "but you were so happy when you were applying! you seemed so happy last year, too! [I told her I was happy here last year so she wouldn't worry] you should just stick it out for a little while longer, it'll get better."</p>

<p>So my question is: what should I do? Should I do what my mom says and just stick it out? Or should I call her again and beg to be allowed to come home?</p>

<p>Please help. :( Thanks...</p>

2

<p>You are smart to come to CC. Many people here can give you good advice.</p>

<p>How well can you communicate with your Mom? Have a honest talk with her at Thanksgiving. Tell her the truth about last year, apologize for misleading her, and promise to always tell her the truth about school from now on (both good and bad things about school). </p>

<p>I understand that you've tried at school to become happy. Is there a GC or other appropriate person/people on staff there who you've already asked to help you become comfortable there? If not, then find such a person as soon as you can. For one thing, such a person can give some perspective to you and your Mom. </p>

<p>Come to an understanding with your Mom about the circumstances under which you will be allowed to come home. At a minimum, IMO this understanding would take into account how you are feeling, what everyone is to do to try to help, and a time frame. Christmas? Spring Break? The end of the year? You might even consider writing down your understanding--for clarity, and because writing can help organize your thoughts and share them with your Mom. </p>

<p>Look at the situation from your Mom's perspective. She presumably is reluctant to give up what you and your family worked so hard for you to have. There also may be financial issues, your year's tuition and other expenditures may be paid and nonrefundable. The financial issues should not dictate the outcome, but they do perhaps give reason to pause and be sure about what is to be done. Remember that, to your Mom (if I understand you correctly), this is a relatively new problem; as far as she knows, you were happy last year.</p>

<p>As for college: do not be scared. Your education comes mainly from you, not your college. You can get a good education at many, many places. I have no idea how a change will affect your college chances, but I doubt that a change will have a major effect on your education chances. </p>

<p>Your happiness, your mental health is far more important than any college.</p>

3

<p>I can't add much to what ADad said except to say that I care about your situation too (my wife attended boarding school years ago). Be sure to be as direct and detailed as you can in telling your parents what the boarding school situation is like. If you decide to leave the boarding school, you will want to develop a plan together to figure out what to do next, and if you stay at the boarding school, it appears that you will want to develop a plan to make your part of the experience there better. </p>

<p>I would reemphasize ADad's point that it is not necessary to accept a situation that doesn't help you this year only to be more acceptable to colleges two years from now. Colleges admit students who attend the local mediocre public school, who attend local moderately good private schools, and who are homeschooled. They also admit students who go part-time as non-degree students at community colleges for "high school," and there are various other choices if you desire to have academic challenge and show college admissions officers that you are a good student. But don't worry about what colleges will think, not now. Discuss with your mom, openly and honestly, how your boarding school situation is for you. Life is an adventure--you may be open to doing something you wouldn't have tried before that will help you develop and thrive now that you have tried boarding school for the last two school years. Whether that something new is staying at the school or leaving it, you can best decide after you've had some good communication at home.</p>

4

<p>If you felt this way in November of your first year, I would encourage you to stick it out and give it a chance, but November of your second yeat- this is not likely just getting used to it.</p>

<p>The most important thing about any private school, but especially a boarding school is that it be a good "fit."</p>

<p>Yes, most schools do consider the tuition owed for the full year as of the first day, by the same token they do not want you to be unhappy and they may have a waiting list- would they refund any portion of your fee if the bed were filled by some one else.</p>

<p>What about returning home and attending school there- would that be a satisfactory option?</p>

<p>Instead of thinking about seeing you mom Friday night, think about what life would look like if you did return home.</p>

<p>Then, the next weekend, talk to your family about it, see if they can find out the parameters, are there refunds, when is the best time to make a change, etc.</p>

<p>For instance, is it better to stay until the end of the semester and have a clean set of marks on your record? What about other involvement at this school or a new school.</p>

<p>Also, think about what could change- friends, academics, sports, fine arts, what could happen to cause you to enjoy your current experience??? Can you make that happen?</p>

<p>This is a huge decision, but it is your life and no one else can live it- if you are truly miserable, then you need to change, but you really need to do your homework and make sure these are your real & true feelings. How will you feel back at the local public school?</p>

5

<p>Thank you so much for your advice! </p>

<p>I'm at home for Thanksgiving at the moment, and whilst blurting out "I hate my school and I want to leave!" over the turkey might not be the wisest course of action, I'm definitely going to bring up the subject with my parents so we can talk about possible plans for me. When I get back to school, I'll also drop by my guidance counsellor's office and talk about this with her.</p>

<p>I really don't envision things getting any better for me at school. Over the past year and a half, I've tried everything - I've joined societies and clubs, I've played sports (I'm on the softball and track teams), I'm in the orchestra and the choir - and I'm still really unhappy here. I think the school and I just DO NOT fit together well at all. When I visited the campus, I got a gut feeling that I didn't like it, but I convinced myself that I'd get over it and that it was such a good school, it would be worth it. I guess I should've listened to my gut instinct and never even applied here. Oh well, I guess it was a learning experience for me - now I know to always trust my instincts!</p>

<p>The local high school is actually a really, really good school, and I wouldn't mind going there at all. My sister is there now (she and I are in the same grade) and loves it and all my friends are there, too. It also offers a bunch of AP classes (17, I think) and you can even take classes at the University of Connecticut (through the high school cooperative program) and I'd probably even get a chance to play varsity softball/track at that high school!</p>

<p>I'm going to talk to my mom today, and depending upon how she reacts, we'll talk to my dad together about what plans we should make.</p>

<p>Once again, thank you so, so, so, so much for your advice! It's been really helpful, thank you!</p>

6

<p>You're welcome!</p>

<p>If you are so inclined, please let us know how you are doing. :)</p>

<p>About sports if you change schools during the school year: Have you by any chance already participated in school softball or school track during your sophomore year? Or will you have done so before you transfer? If so, then you should be sure to ask at your new school if that participation affects your eligibility to participate there, either this year or in future years. I ask because in some states the rules about eligibility are very particular and unyielding. Some kids have been disqualified, and their teams have had to forfeit games, due to unintentional violations of participation rules.</p>

<p>Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!</p>