Unhappy at boarding school

Prep School Admissions
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Hi! I’m not at a US boarding school, I’m at a boarding school abroad, but I thought this was the best place to get help from students who have gone to boarding school/parents of those who have.

To provide some context, I’m in my senior year. I had lived in the US and gone to public schools my entire life up until now. I had the idea to go to boarding school abroad for this school year, even though it meant changing schools for my last year of high school and more importantly switching in the middle of the IB program. I really wanted the experience of living in another country.

I thought, very naively, that it would be a manageable switch. I didn’t think it would be easy, obviously, but definitely easier than it has turned out to be.

I am really unhappy here. I am over the homesickness (it was terrible the first two weeks) and have made some really great friends, so missing home or not having friends aren’t the problem. The time spent outside of school on weekends is actually really enjoyable. It’s more the fact that the school is absolutely terrible.

There are so many problems with organization that it’s astounding. For example, I got placed in the wrong foreign language class and there’s no way to switch, and it’s absolutely going to mess up my IB predicted grade (which is the only actual grade I receive here). That’s just one of the problems I’ve had.

I am so stressed and anxious all the time. I wake up every morning dreading going to school. It doesn’t help that the school day is incredibly long here (8:30-5), which means all I have time to do when I get to my room is homework, have dinner, and sleep. I don’t even have time to work out if I want to get 8h of sleep, which is really rough for me. At my old school I did sports and clubs after school but here extracurricular activities aren’t really a thing.

My classmates are also not the best, apart from my friend group. The rest of them are really judgmental and super gossipy. The boys are especially bad and it makes me really uncomfortable.

When I talk to my mom and my dad, I tell them everything is fine because I don’t want them to worry and I feel so guilty because they have put in a lot of effort and money into this.

I feel like I have to stick it out. Not only because of what my parents have done, but also because if I don’t stick it out, I just feel like I’ll be disappointing everyone. Maybe my parents will understand, but the rest of my family will probably just think I was too “weak” or “pampered” to make it through. Since I’m going to college next year, I feel like it’ll look bad if my first time leaving home ends up being a failure. I also don’t know how (if I decided to) changing schools yet again would affect my college applications process.

I have a 2-week break from school coming up soon and I’ll be seeing my mom. I don’t know what to tell her or what to do. I’m just so confused and overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.

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I think the best thing to do is talk with your parents during your break. My guess is they have your best interests at heart and will be able to give you good counsel.
That said, have you spoken with the schools guidance counselor or student advocate? Perhaps what you are struggling with (academically) they have probably encountered and might be able to give you advice.

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As a mom, I think you really need to tell your parents how you feel. Don’t worry about disappointing them. It’s better if they help you now, rather than later, and I’m sure they will want the best for you.

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I’m so sorry to hear that the anticipation of a new experience ended up disappointment. I’m sure that you are conscious of not just having to hear from the rest of your family that you are unappreciative or weak but that your parents will have to deal with the family chatter also. As a mom, I agree with the others that I would want to help my child deal with the issues, and I would want to know. Also from the perspective of a mom, most likely your parents have gotten some idea that everything is not going to plan.
However, if you want to think it through a little more before you see your mom, I would make a pro con list which would help you with the short term. Then, I would picture myself in 5 years and consider what I would regret more, staying or leaving.

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First - You need to speak to your parents immediately.

Second - your parents need to step in and get your foreign language changed. It’s “not switchable” is not possible. It just means you need to keep asking people or your parents need to deal with it because someone is blowing you off because you’re a kid.

Third - 8 hours of sleep? That is unrealistic at a high academic boarding school from what Ive seen. :woman_shrugging: I’m not saying it’s fair or good for kids but you do need to adjust your expectations there a bit.

Fourth - if you have a good friend group, as a parent, I’d counsel you to let the rest of the social vibe go.

But again, you need to come clean with your parents ASAP.

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There really isn’t a guidance counselor like there is at American schools. The closest thing is the IB coordinator and he only really works on the logistical part (class schedules, exam registration, etc.) but not really the “counseling” part if that makes sense. If there was a guidance counselor that would really help.

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Yeah, I think I will tell her, I’m just not really sure how to approach the topic. I go out with friends to have dinner/take the train into the city so she thinks I really am having a lot of fun. It probably won’t make sense to her if I tell her I hate it just because of the school portion.

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You may find, that just by discussing things with your mother, you will understand better what you want. You shouldn’t be guessing what she’s thinking, as this leads to a lot of misunderstandings.

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It genuinely can’t be changed. Schedules have little flexibility because the school is quite small. The foreign language class I should be in is at the same time as my English class. Switching to a different English class isn’t possible at this point in the IB program. The IB coordinator told me, “We could change the timetable, but we won’t do it for just one person”.

I understand that it’s not necessary to get 8 hrs of sleep, but I managed to do it back when I had to get up for school much earlier and actually had extracurricular activities, so I guess that’s just where my unhappiness lies with that.

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Alright, that’s a very good point. I will definitely take your advice and talk to her, but I’m going to wait until break when I can tell her in person. :slight_smile:

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I’m so sorry that the school isn’t everything you hoped it would be. It certainly was brave of you to go on this adventure and face so many new things at once. It shows a lot of maturity that you can admit that you sought out this experience, but now it’s more challenging than you expected.

Having friends is absolutely key to happiness, so good job on making friends! Being in class from 8:30 to 5:00 would be a definite NO for me and my kids. That’s excessive. Did you know about this before you committed to the school? Do they have study halls, long lunch, sports during the school day? If you really are in class that entire time, and still have to do homework afterwards, leaving you no time to exercise or socialize, that’s not healthy.

I would ignore everyone else’s potential reactions while you consider your problem and possible solutions. They are not living your life and their judgements don’t matter. And definitely tell your parents, preferably now, or as soon as possible if you’d rather talk in person. They will need time to digest the situation and brainstorm solutions. Also remember to give yourself credit for leaving your family and country and making this huge adjustment. Be gentle with yourself while you figure this out. Best wishes!

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I appreciate your kind words so thank you for that! :slight_smile:

It really is quite excessive. I didn’t know about it at all until I got to the school (to be honest there’s a lot about the school that is not at all how it seems just by looking at it online). There are no sports during the school day. Lunch is 50 minutes and it depends on which day of the week but usually there is a 50 minute free period.

That’s a great point. It’s not really that I’m unhappy with living away from home and I have really enjoyed gaining some independence. I am more concerned with the academics because strangely enough I felt like the teaching was better and I was challenged more intellectually at my American public school, which I think says a lot. For example, I get far more “busy work” here. I am hoping people in my life would be understanding that it’s not just me getting cold feet about leaving.

Now for a question I’m posing for anyone to answer: How would changing schools again in the middle of my senior year affect my college applications? Would it raise some questions about my ability to commit? As I’m weighing all my options in my head, it’s obviously something that comes to mind.

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If you really feel like you are in over your head academically, you may want to consuder repeating this year. Think of your current arrangement as being an exchange student getting additional experience rather than as in lieu of the year in the States.

I would ask the IB coordinator, if moving isn’t possible, if you could either do an independent study- with guidance- at the correct level or get a tutor to support you through this level.

I’d also try to figure out how much your unhappiness is a result of it being different from what you expected vs being genuinely miserable. And from there, what you can do to succeed.

You clearly are adventurous and adaptable, so it may be that with some more adjustment, you can make this work. Having been a high school student both in and out of the US (ages ago), i know the way content is delivered and the ways in which mastery is demonstrated vary greatly from one system to another. You may find, as you figure out expectations, that your day feels less long and that you can get through your homework faster.

I’m sorry you’re feeling disappointing now and I hope you have the kind of relationship with your parents that you can tell them. You may want to find another trusted adult, maybe at school, you can talk to as well. Sometimes saying the words aloud helps clarify the thoughts and feelings. Hang in there!

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Firstly, you are brave.

You must tell your parents. You must share your feelings with someone who legit cares.

You can always do a post-graduate year at a US boarding school. Colleges will understand.

I recommend telling your parents now so they can think about the entire situation before they see you during break.

Find peace…

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