University of Michigan Supplement Essay 1

College Essays
1

<p>Hey guys, been lurking around here for a while and finally decided to register. So just finished my common app and I think the essay I wrote there was quite good, however I'm not satisfied when I re-read my 1st supplement essay for the University of Michigan. Was just wondering if anyone could point out what's lacking/what I can improve on. Be brutal if need be!</p>

<p>Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words.)
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.</p>

<p>My father, who lost his parents when he was just 10 years old, comes from a lower class family from rural India. Having begun his career with a low pay job, he has struggled his way to success as a self made man. Due to his labor, my family now resides in Singapore, a highly urbanized country which is home to a collage of communities, cultures, and religions from around the world. Within this variety of individuals, my family and I currently belong to the middle class based on economic indicators such as income per capita. A middle class standard of living has come to mean having a secure job, a safe and stable home, access to health care, retirement security, time off for vacation, opportunities to save for the future and ability to provide a good education for one’s children. Although I’m extremely grateful to live a life which provides such substantiality, I believe each generation should exceed the accomplishments of its precedents. In the near future, I feel my job within the middle class community is to work hard, and rather than getting complacent and being content with what possessions I currently have, make a move towards the upper class. However, my middle class upbringing will play a pivotal role if this transition is to be a successful one. Over the years I have learnt that with copious amounts of wealth comes a materialistic mindset towards life, this is something that must be avoided at all costs. Rather, I hope to give back to the community which has taught me so many important lessons in life, and the ideal way to achieve this dream is through a top notch university education.</p>

2

<p>Cassius,</p>

<p>First, it’s probably not a good idea to post like this. The usual protocal is to ask for readers then PM them your piece. It’s a good deal more private.</p>

<p>Anyway, your piece is ok. (lowercase). Honestly, after reading 100 essays, this kind comes across as Self-made man, blah blah, singapore, blah blah. Honestly, I know more about your dad than I do about YOU. YOU NEED TO BE THE FOCUS! The essay should be one that ONLY you can write. I definitely don’t feel that with this essay. </p>

<p>Sorry for being so frank. </p>

<p>-d</p>