<p>My son (a junior this year) and his college roommate (I'll call him Cal), with whom he gets along well, got a lovely apartment just off campus at the end of the school year last May. They found a third roommate (I'll call him Trey) that had lived on the same floor with them in their freshman year, and this made the apartment affordable.</p>
<p>Son and Cal both had jobs in the city (son had two part time jobs) where the university is, and lived in the apartment all summer. Trey lived there as well, but he never found a job. This is a huge city where employment is almost simple as putting in your application somewhere and everything is within walking distance. In fact, my son worked part time on campus and tried getting Trey a position there, giving him all the info and supplying an application, but Trey never bothered to carry through and apply. Trey spent most of his time on the computer playing games.</p>
<p>Classes started on Monday. Yesterday (Friday), I picked son up to bring him home; he was sick all week and just wants to recoup here. While I waited for him to pack a few things, I talked to Trey and learned: he is not taking classes this semester. He sat on the sofa with his laptop giving me a flimsy story about the classes he signed up for being cancelled. </p>
<p>Okay, something's not right here. </p>
<p>So far, he has paid his portion of the rent each month. His hometown is two hours away, and I've never met his parents, but who allows their kid to stay in an apartment all summer and is okay with them not having a job? Who continues to pay rent if their kid is not taking college classes?</p>
<p>The situation certainly bothers Son and Cal, as they are go-getters with their work and college classes. Trey is a nice, easy-going guy, but what is going on here? Son says Trey spends many days playing Pok</p>
<p>Someone who apparently has no external motivation to stay in the living arrangement may leave it abruptly, leaving your son and his roommate holding the bag. I would discuss this with your son and ask him if you think it’s likely that Trey is going to continue to be a reliable roommate from a financial standpoint. I think the roommates have a right to ask Trey whether he’ll be continuing to live there, as he’s not enrolled or employed, and if the answer is vague, to tell him he needs to leave and to find another roommate. Are his parents co-signers on the lease? If so, perhaps they can be asked the same question.</p>
<p>It sounds like Trey has some kind of gaming addiction, but that’s not something that is your business. Your financial interest, however, is your business and can be legitimately raised with his co-signers, whoever they are. It’s fine to ask about the residential intentions of one’s roommates if there is reason for doubt. And I think that there is reason here.</p>
<p>Ask him about the situation? Sure. Ask him to LEAVE? I think that would be entirely inappropriate and unreasonable, considering he has a right and an expectation to stay there as long as he pays the rent. Asking him to leave would create problems. Personally, I would be extremely upset if a roommate asked me to leave MY apartment even though I was paying rent. His parents may be OK with him staying there, even if he is not in school. He may have money saved or just be from a wealthy family or have a trust. I think the key is to bring it up without being rude.</p>
<p>acollegestudent, you are right. I shouldn’t have said they should ask him to leave, as long as he is paying his share. But his behavior is raising flags about his reliability as a co-tenant and that should be confronted.</p>
<p>Just so you realize, collegestudent, nothing in my post mentioned asking this young man to leave. I’m genuinely puzzled by the situation. Yes, we want to make sure that the rent is paid but I am also concerned that he may be in some kind of depression that his parents don’t realize. All three guys are rather easy going and a diplomatic approach would always be the one to take rather than being rude about it. NJSue, I appreciate your putting into words that I my financial interest is my business, it’s helpful.</p>
<p>I agree with you, completely, but I just think it should be done carefully, without making accusations or demands. Whether or not he is reliable (he very well may not be), there is pretty much nothing to be done, and I feel most of what CAN be done would make the situation worse. </p>
<p>For better or for worse, it’s his apartment. Even if he is already planning to stop paying rent or leave, there is nothing the roommates can do. Up until the point that actually happens, he has a right to be there. They can try to get him to leave earlier, but that’s likely to just create animosity and hard feelings. </p>
<p>I think it would be OK to ask him if he thinks he’ll stay. If he says he will, they really just have to let it go and hope for the best, because, again, asking for proof, etc., in my opinion will just make thingsworse. If he says he is not sure if he can stay, all they can really do is honestly tell him that it would make it a lot easier on them to find a new roommate now rather than in the beginning of the year. Then, they can hope he wants to help them out /make their life easier. Then again, he may have nowhere to go - not everyone is comfortable enough with their parents to move back in at 22.</p>
<p>I just think they have to accept there isn’t much they can do at this point.</p>
<p>My first concern would be the health and safety of the kids- is Trey depressed? Does Trey need medical attention or counseling? It could be that Trey is being treated for depression but has stopped taking medication or is not on the right dose? Are there illegal drugs involved?<br>
I knew someone in college who was like this and his parents seemed OK with paying the rent while he did little. He was a pleasant young man who was very introverted. In retrospect, I wonder if he was on the autism spectrum. I know another young man with Asperger’s who got overwhelmed in college and did the same thing-stay in his room. It certainly isn’t typical for someone this age to do that.
Your son and Cal have noticed something is wrong, and I think it’s appropriate that room mates notify the family of another room mate if they are concerned for their health and safety. I think it is most appropriate for them to talk to Trey first, but if Trey does not contact his family and your son and Cal remain concerned, I think his parents would want to know.</p>
<p>Yes, I am the one who initially brought up asking him to leave and I retracted that suggestion. It’s a bad idea and I shouldn’t have said it.</p>
<p>Your son and his roommate’s casually asking him about his future intentions (i.e. for next semester) regarding living in the apartment would be a way to raise the issue and possibly break through “Trey’s” denial. It’s not rude to ask that.</p>
<p>Miller, sorry I was responding to Sue’s post about asking him to leave. </p>
<p>As for getting his parents involved… Personally, I am not really in favor of that, unless they really feel he is in danger (really sever depression or addiction, not just mild depression, being stuck in a rut, or liking video games too much). If he is lying to the parents to get their money, that’s a different story, of course. </p>
<p>Again, I am speaking from my point of view here and don’t know how the roommate would feel, but roommates or friends contacting my parents about me (again, barring something really serious, like severe mental health issue, etc.) would result in a termination of that relationship and quite a bit of hard feelings. It would be crossing every sort of boundary out there. Tred carefully.</p>
<p>I agree that raising concerns with strangers about their adult children’s behaviors or lifestyle is fraught with danger unless there is clear evidence of illness and obvious and immediate medical intervention is needed, or unless there is criminal activity which might have an impact on the roommates (i.e. drug dealing). They are three young men living off campus independently in an apartment. If Trey’s parents wanted a degree of oversight and supervision over his behavior, they would have made different living arrangements for him.</p>
<p>It may already be understood but Son and Cal should think ahead once the year is nearing close. Unless Trey turns the ship, they should consider whether they want him to room with them Sr year. If not, they should make plans (seek another person, seek a 2 person place, devise when to inform Trey). Yes it’s only the beginning of the sch year but Feb will be here in a eye blink. Good luck miller. I hope Trey find’s his way for all parties concerned.</p>
<p>It’s very likely that Trey convinced his parents he’s still taking classes even after he dropped out. Thus they send him money for rent and whatnot while he gets to sit around. That happened to my current roommate this summer. Lived in an off campus apartment with someone who did nothing but work out. It turned out that she was just living the easy life while her parents thought she was going to classes and working a bit.</p>
<p>If that’s the case, then Trey might abruptly stop paying the rent as soon as his parents discover the charade.</p>
<p>I am thinking that there’s a mental health issue here, or something else… but definitely something. If he isn’t enrolled, I don’t think that the school has any ability to intervene or check on him… but it might be worthwhile for your son and Cal to talk with the class dean, or the counseling center about the situation if they are concerned.</p>
<p>My D had a similar situation with off campus housing roommate, but it was because he behavior was erratic and he did have some mental health issues. Her and her roommates(2 others)solution was to sit down with him and discuss the situation. He was a paying tenant, but they spelled out their concerns and asked him to look for other housing and he did. Now it could have turned out that he could have refused, but he didn’t. They did not contact his parents, they dealt directly with him. I would think it reasonable that your son and Cal have a conversation with Trey as to his intentions, after all, originally they were college roommates and now things have changed.</p>
<p>First, collegestudent & NJSue, sorry for getting a bit confused about the leaving part but I think that’s all cleared up now.</p>
<p>I appreciate all the different responses. Illegal drugs do not seem to be a part of the equation. If the parents are okay with Trey doing little, then I am okay with that, too. But they may not be aware he isn’t taking classes. Here’s a bright young man doing pretty much nothing all day in an apartment in a big city, not connecting with too many people. My nature is to question if that’s good or not.</p>
<p>Son and Cal are monitoring the situation. They see it from a roommate point of view, I see it from a parental point of view. We all see it from a financial point of view, but if there is some way that I should intervene here if this young man is having some kind of difficulty, I’m not going to turn a blind eye which would be the easiest course of action.</p>
<p>Can you start forging some sort of relationship with all parents involved, even if through email or facebook, just so that you all know each other in a friendly way? You could ask your son to get contact information from his roomies just so that you could start a friendly chat with the other parents. That way, if your son does need you to get involved, you already have a relationship with the young man’s parents and it won’t be a stranger having this conversation with them. </p>
<p>It is often easier to have this conversation with someone you have already had a friendly conversation with.</p>
<p>His son is 22. He’s an adult. Unless the son is worried that the roommate is on the brink of total mental or physical collapse, I see no reason why parents would get involved.</p>
<p>I think it’s simply not OK, invasive, and quite honestly wrong to do these things - go to the parents, the Dean. I am all for getting involved if a person’s life is in danger (severe mental issue, drugs, or driving drunk) or if they are hurting someone else (lying to steal money, cheating on a person, etc.). However, being worried about someone’s potential being wasted is way over involved. He may have decided college is not for him. Or he may be lazy and taking advantage of having money. Not everyone who doesn’t go to class and plays video games has a mental disorder - people can be lazy or burned out or a bit immature. Not everyone, even if they are bright, are driven to compete and succeed. That’s his life and up to him to figure it out - when “well-meaning” people try to intervene, I often say that one of life’s greatest gifts is having the freedom to make your own mistakes, even if it means you don’t always follow a straight path. </p>
<p>I think it’s just not in any way OK to try to get involved in another adult’s life like that (even if they are a young adult). They can watch to make sure he is not severely depressed or tricking his parents for money, but his wasted potential is his choice, and he should be free to make it without the Dean getting involved. If they want to do something, I guess they could talk to him personally - ONCE and respecting his decision.</p>
<p>^^^I agree with acollegestudent. The OP should not get involved unless something dangerous is going on. The other two young adults living in the house can assess the situation and handle whatever comes up. If the OP’s son were to ask for help, that would be different. Even though the OP is well-meaning, she needs to stay out of it.</p>