<p>The kids parents are either in the dark or enabling their son to expect to be taken care of for the rest of his life. Neither scenario is a crime or a danger stay out of it.</p>
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<p>Even if one is helicopterish enough to be inclined to intervene in a young adult’s life here, it’s mighty late to be in a close enough relationship if one needs to start now. </p>
<p>This is something that from what I’ve seen, only works if there already has been a close established relationship going back years. Even then, it is touchy enough that it could risk permanently destroy whatever friendships/bonds had developed between OP and fellow go-getter roommate and the alleged slacker roommate. Especially if the slacker roommate found one of the roommates leaked the info to his mother and she, in turn, leaked it back to his parents. </p>
<p>At 22, I was already around a year out of undergrad and if my roommates told anything remotely embarrassing or private to my parents/relatives, I’d be livid and be prompted to figure out ways to toss them off the lease when the time comes up for renewal…and they’d feel likewise if I did the same to them. </p>
<p>Not surprising considering some of them were older med school graduates in their internship/residency years. Basically, unless the roommates said/implied it was ok, I’d be inclined to tell their parents to communicate directly with their ostensibly adult sons. </p>
<p>Heck, I’ve heard some of their friends in a building two doors down actually went so far as to arrange an instant informal/illegal roommate eviction right before the first of the following month a few years before I arrived because the one being booted and having his possessions unceremoniously dumped on the street* was found to be relaying exceedingly personal information to the parents/older relatives of one of the other roommates doing the booting.</p>
<ul>
<li>Not very smart on their part if the offending roommate was named on the lease. However, since he wasn’t and probably didn’t fully know his tenant rights/didn’t want to bother, it all blew over.</li>
</ul>
<p>I don’t think it makes much difference in this scenario, but for the record, I never mentioned the age of my son, he’s only a junior in college so he’s younger than 22.</p>
<p>It seems the general consensus is for me not to interfere. I am okay with that. When son goes back after this weekend, I will probably say something like, ‘keep me posted on how things are going with Trey, and let me know if you need any advice on dealing with the situation.’ Certainly, all the different perspectives on this thread have helped me in understanding it a bit more.</p>
<p>IMO, this is so none of your business unless your son asks for help or advice or you feel someone is in danger.</p>
<p>He is addicted to gaming and unfortunately there are not many treatment centers if he agreed to get help nor is it illegal. His parents may even know about it, but denial is common. Out of sight, out of mind. Luckily, your child is motivated. Enablers are the biggest problem and as.long as your son isn’t enabling him, and he does his fair share I don’t think he should leave. Next go around, he may want to choose a more motivated person. At least he’s home all day guarding the apartment. 
If this roomie leaves on his own suddenly, I am sure they can find another roommate, should they choose to. Good lesson for your son.</p>
<p>My son had a roommate like this. There were five guys in the apartment and they roomed with this guy for the last three years. The guy started out fine, but regressed to the point where he didn’t leave his room. Son and other roommates suspected mental illness, but never contacted anyone about it. At one point someone looked in the room, and saw bottles filled with urine. Son said that was because he was too lazy to use the bathroom. He ended up leaving suddenly, two months before the end of the lease. The security deposit paid for one month’s rent, but the other roommates had to split costs for his last month of rent. He left some valuable items in his room and the roommates split those up, too. I thought it was very sad.</p>
<p>Miller514: I know I would be concerned if this was my S’s roommate and I would be trying to think about how I could diplomatically contact the roommates parents or speak with the roommate. I like Anniezz’s suggestions about talking to a counselor who has some experience with dealing with young people who obviously have a problem. You could also try to do that if your son and his friend aren’t comfortable with that. At least that way you could get some guidance in how to deal with this.</p>
<p>I have known of two kids who have carried on the charade of being a student for long periods of time with their parents footing the bill. One family only found out when the kid told his parents that he was not being allowed to graduate for some unfair reason. In fact the kid had been dismissed from school during freshman year. I learned of this from the college employee who had the responsibility of breaking that info to the parents who thought they had just funded their kids college education. (Not a fun job that day.)</p>
<p>On a more personal level a friend has a child who made it through an entire semester before her parents found out that their kid wasn’t in school. This is an involved parent but the web of lies kept the parents in the dark for a long time. Mom only found out after asking for documentation about registration so that health insurance could be processed and after being put off a few times told her kid that she would get it from the registrar herself. Then her kiddo came clean, went home and has since found a job and lives in an apt with friends. This was a difficult time for them but one that could only be dealt with after the truth came out.</p>
<p>You don’t have to do anything. There is a financial risk to your son and his roommate. Beyond that this is a young man that needs help. Given the story that he told you about why he wasn’t going to school I think there is an excellent possibility that his parents are in the dark. The trouble is that once the lie begins it is very difficult to squelch it and it just gets worse. </p>
<p>This young man may not be lying but if he is spending all of his time by himself playing video games he most likely has a problem that won’t get better with him staying home and playing video games.</p>
<p>This is a huge city where employment is almost simple as putting in your application somewhere and everything</p>
<p>What city is this ~ inquiring minds want to know.</p>
<p>This is one of those life-lessons for your son. This is why young people eventually learn that maybe they are better off renting a place they can afford on their own, without roommates. Better not to roll the dice one-more-time on roommate roulette. </p>
<p>It’s motivation. Think of it that way. Your son may work hard to make sure he can afford his own place once he graduates. It usually takes some pretty bad roommates to create that sense of urgency.</p>
<p>snug, this is downtown Pittsburgh. There are countless restaurants, retail stores and much more within a very small radius, well within walking distance. We know quite a few students who had no trouble finding summer employment there. My son walked 20 minutes to work. If you have a car, your employment opportunities there expand even more as you can travel less than 20 minutes to the Southside, West End, Greentree, Oakland and a few other areas surrounding downtown. Maybe you don’t consider Pittsburgh huge, but compared to the town I live of 5,000 people, a city of 300,000 seems pretty big to me & is the 2nd largest city in PA.</p>
<p>^^^^Ha, I thought the same thing snugapug. I can think of several cities that it isn’t. Would be great to know where it is easy to get a job!</p>
<p>Students have gotten jobs at TGIFridays, Burlington Coat Factory, Macy’s, Starbucks, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, PNC Park and more. The place is jumping with activity in the summer due to the Pirates & then in August, the Steelers games, concerts at Consol Energy Center and Heinz Field, there are festivals galore, 5k runs and all manner things. Lots of people pouring into the area the whole season. Due to that, there are plenty of employment opportunities for college students. This is different than some college towns where it thins out during the summer months when kids move back home.</p>
<p>^interesting! thanks Miller514</p>
<p>If the school is CMU, then I don’t think this is unusual at all. Some of the technical majors there are really, really tough, and people can get extremely burned out and need to take a break. Better that than quitting or ending up in a mental hospital. Really. He may be spending his time gaming because he doesn’t have anything better to do, and if his parents are supporting a semester off, they may be just fine with him not working.</p>
<p>See, I could easily have seen this happening to my son, had he continued in a major that was so work intensive it was sucking his life away. And that wouldn’t mean there was anything mentally wrong with him, just burnt out, and introverted. Thankfully he decided when to let off, and life worked out perfectly for him.</p>
<p>It may be as simple as a semester off due to burnout. If he isn’t doing something that suggests mental illness (ie peeing in bottles in his room), drugs or anything illegal, I wouldn’t worry about it. But if this was my roommate, I wouldn’t speculate. I’d ask him directly, “What’s going on?” Seems simple enough to show some interest and start some conversations, and ask him questions (the roommates, not the parents). And understand that he might be gaming because he’s bored. Ask him places, ask him to hang out with them, don’t treat him like an outsider, treat him like a friend. He doesn’t sound hostile, maybe he’s dying to go do something else. This doesn’t need to be complicated, just a little honesty and understanding could go a long way.</p>
<p>Maybe he doesn’t need a job for money.</p>
<p>If he’s paying his share of the rent, chipping in for community household expenses, and not a threat or nuisance to roommates, let him be.</p>
<p>I don’t think OP knows enough about what’s up with Trey. But I think her son and Cal have every right to have a roommate who fits- and to ask Trey to find other living arrangements. This could be complicated, if his name is on the contract- they’d need to figure that out. Some apts are contracted as a threesome (the whole group) and some are 3 individual contracts.</p>
<p>*For better or for worse, it’s his apartment. Even if he is already planning to stop paying rent or leave, there is nothing the roommates can do. *</p>
<p>Again, maybe there is a contract that defines this. But it sounds like Son and Cal are the lead renters and Trey is the add-on. ?</p>
<p>Lots of kids, btw, go through major idle periods without it being mental illness.</p>
<p>As long as he is not Breaking Bad, this is a private matter as long as he pays the rent. Wealthy parents or trustfunders sometimes do strange things. I know of a situation where a roommate dropped out but continued to pay the rent for the entire year despite living hundreds of miles away.</p>
<p>“Lots of kids, btw, go through major idle periods without it being mental illness.”</p>
<p>This. Lots of kids this age also rethink what it is they want to do, and this generation does a lot of thinking while zoning out to TV or video games. I’m baffled by several things in this story-1)that parents are so invested in their kids’ roommates lives, 2)that they think kids of any age would even WANT to tell total strangers what their life plans are, what job they are or aren’t looking for, and that 3)if someone is a legal adult paying his own way, it’s ANYONE’S business (besides him and his parents) whether they are in school or not.</p>
<p>My S roomed in a house of like-aged kids after he left the service. Some were in college, some worked. He paid his room rent and share of utilities on time and did his own thing while they did theirs. Sometimes they hung out together, mostly they did not. When he wanted downtime, he…sat in his room and played video games. Or he worked on of his project cars. None of the other boys’ parents ever questioned him about why he wasn’t in school, what kind of job he had or if he had plans to better his life. In fact, the boys’ parents weren’t really visitors there. </p>
<p>I’m also baffled as to why mere roommates would care if someone has the same ambitions. My son’s working his way through blue collar jobs didn’t detract from his college roommates’ ability to study, nor did it derail any of the working guys’ ambitions. He kept his end of the lease agreement, his room neat enough, and cleaned up after himself. That’s all roommates need to be able to do.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, but this strikes me as helicoptering on a whole new level of creepy.</p>
<p>BTW, the most I ever said to ANY of the roommates was “hello”, when picking my son up or dropping him off (sometimes he would come with me in my car to pick up large items, for example). I don’t know that I ever know all of their names.</p>
<p>Miller, I admire that you are concerned for Trey’s well-being. I agree with the posters who say it’s likely his parents are unaware that he’s not attending classes or working. As you said, the easiest thing to do is stay out of it. No one could fault you for that. Getting involved in someone else’s personal business IS most definitely fraught with pitfalls, but it also can potentially save someone’s mental and emotional health, if not life. Maybe Trey isn’t at that point yet, but this does sound like a gaming addiction that’s interfering with his ability to function normally for a person his age. Who knows what else is going on. Young adults can be very adept at hiding things.</p>
<p>I support your efforts to monitor the situation through your son and keep an open mind. You don’t have enough information right now to take definitive action, but that might change at any time. Something might happen that convinces you help is absolutely needed, or perhaps the way forward becomes much clearer than it is now. I trust you will know if that time comes.</p>
<p>fwiw, someone once “interfered” in my young life and I will always be grateful to them for doing it.</p>
<p>I’m trying to imagine a conversation one of my son’s former roommates’ moms might have had with him, a kid who’s always had Aspie-like traits.</p>
<p>“So, “R”, where do you go to school?”
“I don’t.”
“Uh, ok. Do you work?”
“I have some applications out.”
(Mom thinks about how talking to this “kid” is like pulling teeth.)
“What kind of work do you want to do? Are you planning to take classes somewhere?”
(Son starts wishing the floor would open up and swallow him, this is worse than boot camp drills)
“I’m just waiting to see what comes up. Something mechanical, welding maybe. I haven’t looked at classes.”</p>
<p>During this whole exchange he probably wouldn’t have looked the mom in the eye. And would have made it a point to be elsewhere if she ever came back. However, if she or a father had asked about his vintage motorcycle or the ancient VW Bug in pieces in the driveway, he would have been happy to answer any questions. But the above? The nosy mom would have gone home thinking he had no ambition and he’s have gone off wondering why it mattered to her. </p>
<p>Some people are not comfortable with strangers, or nosy questions. Just saying.</p>
<p>Lookingforward, do you actually think their contract defines this? You have to do what we think you should, and be just like us or you’re outta here? He could be brilliant, the next Bill Gates, just taking a break. His roomies should clear up the mystery by being conversational enough to ask a few questions.</p>