Help needed with college-aged mean girl

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi, I have been reading the forum for many years, but never posted before. </p>

<p>My D is a junior and has lived off-campus for the past two years (very limited on-campus housing at her school). She moved into a house with three other friends sophomore year, and they brought in a "friend-of-a-friend" as a fifth. My D ended up with the nicest, most expensive room and this fifth girl was pretty vocal that she was not happy about it, but things were okay most of last year. None of them really liked her, but they all co-existed. D's three friends moved out at the end of last year because of this fifth girl, but D decided to stay, figuring she only sleeps at the house so she wouldn't have to see her that much. Three other girls moved in for this year.</p>

<p>On the first day back on campus, mean girl told my D, D's boyfriend was not allowed in the house because she didn't like him. She then added that she had four friends she wanted to live with next year so one of them would have to move out next year. My D thanked her for letting her know so early in the year, but she planned to stay for senior year. </p>

<p>About two months ago, mean girl called a house meeting - she decided D should switch rooms - D wasn't there enough so someone else should have the biggest room. This was followed up with an email during finals that mean girl decided my D should move out for next year because she is not an active member of the household. I told D to ignore the email and concentrate on studying for finals. </p>

<p>Well, last night, D receives another email - why didn't my D respond. Mean girl needs to know what she is doing but thinks it would be better if my D moved out people should choose their roommates, not be stuck with them. My daughter really has no clue what this girl's problem is - D gets up, does her house chores, leaves for classes, goes to boyfriend's to study and comes back to sleep. </p>

<p>We are at a loss as to how to proceed. My daughter dreads going back to school If she lived on campus, we would have the resources of the RA's and the housing staff, but what can you do when you are being harassed by an off-campus roommate? We would greatly appreciate some advice. We considered moving out for this semester, but there is no way my D could get a single at this late date.</p>

<p>Thanks for your ideas.</p>

2

<p>is there a lease for the house? who signed the lease?</p>

3

<p>You as a parent should not be involved. Let your D sort this out. She is 21 or close to it if she is a Jr! Back off and let her stand in her own two feet!</p>

4

<p>Each individual signs a lease for their room with the landlord for the school year. </p>

<p>Iron Maiden, I have no plans to get involved, just looking for ideas to give my daughter on how to handle the situation, but she is a very young junior - not even close to age 21.</p>

5

<p>You D has a lease, and pays her rent and does her chores. She has equal standing with everyone else. This girl just sounds like a bully! Has your daughter tried standing up to her? Just a simple, “I have a lease and I’m not planning to move” should do it. Otherwise, I agree that ignoring the girl is probably the best that she can do. Is there other off-campus housing available that she might share with friends next year?</p>

6

<p>Just wondering…how did she end up with the nice room? Did they draw straws at the beginning? Do each of the girls pay the same rent and do they know each other’s rent? (Interesting that they each pay for their individual rooms to the landlord but have to take care of a common area. How does he figure out who to penalize if something gets trashed in the house?) Also, are the three new girls who moved in friends of your daughter, the other girl, or neither? (How did they find the house?) </p>

<p>Just trying to figure out what could have set this girl off. I’d probably advise your daughter to move just to alleviate the stress of it all!</p>

7

<p>If your daughter can’t get a room elsewhere at this point in time, than she needs to stand up to this girl, and let her know that she too has a lease. Why do woman create so much drama? Guys would just say what is on their mind, and be done with it.</p>

8

<p>I really don’t see what the problem is. Your daughter has her own lease with the landlord, the other girl can’t kick her out. Why can’t your D just tell the other girl off. Your D is not obligated to let the other girl know her plan for next year. I would just switch on spam feature to filter out the other girl’s emails.</p>

<p>Have your daughter put a lock on her door.</p>

9

<p>if it is to the point that she is uncomfortable living with this other girl, then she should find another place to live. There is enough stress already being at college, she shouldn’t have to be stressed at her “home”.</p>

10

<p>If the bully communicates by email, then respond by email. If things get really nasty, there will be a paper trail.</p>

11

<p>Most mean girls will back down once you stand up to them. We encounter mean people in real life all the time. It’s good to learn to stand up to them.</p>

<p>OP’s daughter has a lease with the landlord, she wouldn’t be able to just move out, she’ll need to find someone to take over her lease this year. I don’t see why it should be OP daughter’s problem, it’s the other girl who is being a bully.</p>

12

<p>If the lease allows it, offer to sublet the room to one of meany’s friends. At 150% of the rent, with a hefty security deposit. Or offer to sell out for moving expenses plus the equivalent of your D’s security deposit on a new place. Whatever makes it worthwhile to D, financially and otherwise, stated plainly and unemotionally in an email. Have a rational basis for the price whatever it is.</p>

13

<p>OP, you are involved. Your D came running to you for advice and you told her to ignore the email rather than deal with the situation. So you got involved and gave not so great advice. </p>

<p>The situation got worse. You are asking for advice to help her. You are involved again. </p>

<p>Your D needs to stand up for herself and make her own decisions. Tell her that!</p>

14

<p>There is nothing wrong to be involved. It is no more than if D were to call up her GF or BF for advise. Many parents are responsible for their kid’s rent or cosigned the lease while in college, so I would want to know what’s going on. I do not understand all of this hands off issue.</p>

15

<p>Iron Maiden, there is nothing wrong with seeking advice from others, including parents, on how to handle a difficult personal situation. It would be inappropriate if her parents jumped in to solve the problem for her, or insisted that she handle it in a particular way, but to offer advice and support is what parents are for at any stage of your life. Daughter will, no doubt, listen to her mom, accept the advice or not, and get on with her life.</p>

16

<p>I certainly don’t see anything wrong with giving suggestions to the daughter. She may not have thought out all the options.</p>

<p>I’ve rented houses where I was in the worst room and got to move into the best one when someone graduated. (Our rent also doubled.) I don’t actually know how the lease worked since I was the girlfriend and had nothing to with the lease. But it seems to me if she’s paying more and signed a lease with the landlord she’d have a lease for that particular room not any old room. If that’s the case, she certainly can insist on remaining in the room. That said if I were in such a toxic situation, I’d be looking for ways to move.
I wouldn’t sublet however, that just seems too complicated. I like the idea of getting monetary compensation to move out though and for the new roommates to find a replacement for her and a new place for her to live.</p>

17

<p>If I may, I think what Iron Maiden was reacting to was that in the last paragraph, practically every sentence started with “we”, like this one:

</p>

<p>Even if the parents are paying for it, it is no favor for them to get involved.</p>

<p>If she asks, I would say “What do YOU see as your options?” It definitely sounds like a big problem, but I bet D has the wherewithall to solve it.</p>

18

<p>This sounds more like bullying than meanness. The girl obviously wants her friend to be the 5th and will go to any length to get your daughter out. Does the person with the nicest room pay more? If so, there is no question your d is right to stay there. However, this sounds like a toxic situation-- who would want to live where you are unwanted. Even though she was there first, I think she should consider moving and living with real friends for senior year. Just make sure these other girls assume the lease-- I wouldnt trust these girls not to wreck the apt or run up bills-- utilities also. Make them give her back her portion of the security deposit in advance of moving out-- and take photos of the apartment and the condition of everything!!! Better safe than sorry!</p>

19

<p>This mean girl sounds dangerous. Since we don’t know the status of the mean girl’s mental health and the other roommates do not seem to be friends that the OP’s daughter had prior to the housing arrangement (so appear not to be a support for the OP), I would suggest attempting to break the lease, move back on campus and arrange something new for next year. There is often easy access for dorm rooms second semester due to drop outs.</p>

<p>Dealing with a twenty year old mean girl is very different from dealing with a middle or high school meanie. If the situation involved good friends of the OP living with her, I would suggest different alternatives. This sounds like a group of strangers living together. I would consider my daughter at risk in such a situation and would want her out. I may be an alarmist. I worked in adolescent mental health many years and tend to lean toward the worst case scenario in terms of what disturbed people are capable of.</p>

<p>I feel for you tiredofmeangirls.</p>

20

<p>I’m all for standing up to bullies but when they’re in your own home and it’s 4-1? Unless your D has an iron constitution, I’d tell her to look for something else, with any help she can get from the school, landlord, or friends. No one wants to go home to this kind of creepiness. It’s not fair but it sounds to me like it would be sensible to get out. </p>

<p>And, of course you should help her! Just as you’d help a friend in this situation!</p>