URGENT - ADD son is out of control, we need advice (boarding school options, etc)

Parents Forum Learning Differences and Challenges - LD, ADHD
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<p>My husband and I are desperate for advice and figuring out what to do. I cannot believe we are faced with the situation we are currently in. We are both well educated, hold great jobs, and never experienced major issues in school.</p>

<p>Our son is 16 years old. He was a difficult child since the day he was born - multitude of problems - not sleeping through the night for many years, speech delays (started speaking at 3), bedwetting until 11, not performing up to his potential in school. I could predict every school conference as every teacher we spoke with has always told us our son could be a straight A student if he applied himself. Testing for ADHD never came up until grade 7, when finally a teacher suggested we test him. He was diagnosed with ADD. I was against medication at first and we tried various vitamins, natural supplements, as well as putting together IEP at school which didn't help much.</p>

<p>When our son was 14 he started experimenting with smoking marijuana. I caught him with it a couple times and assumed it was rare incidents, then around 15 I believe he started smoking more regularly. We tried positive parenting methods as well as punishing him (taking away things), and his response was running away from home and not complying. Nothing motivates him, and there seems to be nothing he truly cares about that we could use to motivate him. He tried several ADD medications, but didn't like the way they made him feel and the side effects.</p>

<p>There was so much pressure and stress in the household that I decided to separate from my husband. My son and I moved into a new neighborhood (more affluent) and he went to a new school in 10th grade. Our son was happy about the separation as he hasn't been getting along with my husband for a while. However my husband and I were continuing to see each other and were in the process of reconciliation. For our son, the low grades and the use of marijuana continued, and on top of that he didn't make any friends. He got in trouble with the law (took a joy ride on an abandoned boat on the river and someone called the police, so now he has a case with the juvenile department). </p>

<p>Over the summer this year we sent him to an outdoor 3 week program (not therapeutic, just an adventure type of teen experience), and he came back a new boy. He appeared to be so motivated, was happy he was clean and said he will not touch the drugs again, said he wants to become a doctor and our relationship was at a completely new level, which was amazing.</p>

<p>However that didn't last long as he re-entered the old environment. He's mentioned he doesn't want to return to this school in 11th grade and considered moving back to the one he went to in 9th grade, but then decided to stay.</p>

<p>Right now we are at the lowest point with our son smoking marijuana on a daily basis, running away from home whenever he isn't pleased/we try to discipline him, failing most of his classes. I took him to therapists and he opened up a bit, but isn't willing to go back.</p>

<p>We are considering wilderness, boarding, military school programs. Would love insights from folks who have experienced similar situation and addressed it with success.</p>

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<p>I have had several friend in the same predicament as you. All of them sent their sons to therapeutic wilderness schools in Utah. The school literally comes in the middle of the night and gets your son out of bed and puts him on a plane to Utah. I am not sure where you live, but you should consider hiring an education consultant to help you find placement for your son <a href=“http://www.iecaonline.com/cfm_PublicSearch/pg_PublicSearch.cfm?mode=execute”>http://www.iecaonline.com/cfm_PublicSearch/pg_PublicSearch.cfm?mode=execute&lt;/a&gt;. It will be money well spent because the consultant has a relationship with the programs and get him placement quickly. Good Luck.</p>

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<p>He’s about 16, so the window to do something is about 2 years (not very long). The therapeutic schools get the kids drug free, which helps tremendously in addressing the learning and social challenges. With the criminal court system involved, you may be able to get a court order and some financial support (the schools are expensive). </p>

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<p>Good luck to you and your family. My thoughts are with you.</p>

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<p>Definitely do not listen to @momofpjm‌. Such schools are known to use violent/abusive methods, have poorly trained “teachers” and are often not much more than labor or boot camps for kids. Here’s an article about them: <a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/28/AR2006012800062_pf.html”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/28/AR2006012800062_pf.html&lt;/a&gt;
An activist website:
<a href=“http://troubledteenindustry.com/”>TroubledTeenIndustry.com is for sale | HugeDomains;
Department of Justice document that shows they don’t really work:
<a href=“https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/197018.pdf”>https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/197018.pdf&lt;/a&gt;
and a study:
<a href=“http://www.bazelon.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=D5NL7igV_CA%3D&tabid=247”>http://www.bazelon.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=D5NL7igV_CA%3D&tabid=247&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Try Orthogenic School for high school and transition. Not all therapeutic schools are hell holes. </p>

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<p>I have been to the schools you’re talking about. Please listen to me, as I’ve lived this stuff.</p>

<p>Do not send your son to Utah. Do not hire an escort service to take them anywhere.</p>

<p>If you can afford it, SUWS of the Carolinas is a wilderness program where your son will have a shitty time, and he’ll hate it there. I went there and I hated it. Worst time of my life. But it changes you permanently, if you can convince him to buy into it and that he needs to get his OWN life on track. I did, but along the way, I saw parents who sent their kids to Utah and dead-end schools that, in all honesty, were just very bad places. And escort services destroy your child’s trust in you – take them to a place personally, with them knowing where they’re going, rather than gooning them.</p>

<p>I did not look like I was going to graduate high school as a sophomore. I attended SUWS and understood that I would not succeed in life unless I got my shit together, and my life has never been better, over a year later. It is a life-changing experience if you let it be, and if you make sure your son knows it’s the turning point in his life – if he takes it for what it is, he will succeed, if not, he will fail. He needs to own it.</p>

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<p>And do not send him to a therapeutic boarding school as a first resort. Send him to a school like Woodhall or Middlebridge and make it clear he’ll go to one if he doesn’t take it seriously.</p>

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<p>I am still thinking of you. I hope things are going better. If not, know that others are on your side.</p>

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<p>Many teenagers that are are heavy marijuana users are also dual-diagnosed, and sometime even triply diagnosed. I wonder if this could be part of OPs son’s problem. IMO, he should be taken for an in-patient psychiatric evaluation, where he would stay on premises anywhere from a few days to a week, and let the professionals see if in addition to ADD, he may also be suffering from depression, bi-polar, PTSD from some earlier or unknown incident, ODD, even early onset schizophrenia – all conditions that often cause teenagers to self-medicate. </p>

<p>These evaluations may or may not be covered by your insurance, but I’d say its worth it to get one even if it’s not. His actions sound far more serious than just the restlessness or scatter-brained stuff of ADD, or school unhappiness. And it will be impossible to determine the best educational course for him until you get a diagnosis you can trust. (Which is also difficult to do on an out-patient basis while he is getting high regularly). You must put his health first right now as you only have two years to seek control over that. Afterwards it becomes much more difficult. </p>

<p>Our son’s behavior in high school was similar and very bad – at one point we had to kick him out of the house things were so unmanageable. He eventually got a diagnosis of bi-polar depression – after some serious scrapes with the law-- was put on the appropriate medication, and he’s doing fine now living in a psychiatric half-way house which we expect him to leave soon and finish college. </p>

<p>Take care of yourself, your marriage, and your kid. It is hard. But take the time and expense to get the deepest professional evaluation you can, and that will guide you in figuring out his educational choices. </p>

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<p>Intervene now while he is only 16. You and your husband must be a united front- these kids are so MANIPULATIVE!!! I know because I have one. We forced him into rehab kicking and screaming at 18- Happy to say he is 20 years old 2 years sober and productive. It was grueling- your son will not get better without an intervention from skilled professionals in the field. Hang in there- there is hope -be tough.</p>

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<p>Thank you everyone for all of the advice and comments! We are currently considering New York Military Academy, but as I understand they have no ADD support. I do agree with BigAppleDaddy on my son needing a full neuropsych evaluation, as I feel we don’t have a whole picture of his mental health, other than the ‘ADD’ diagnosis, and possible depression.
We are a month away from the next semester starting and if we were to enroll him at one of the boarding schools, now is the time & it doesn’t give us enough time to do the evaluation. I am lost on what the right next steps would be. Sigh.</p>

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<p>A school without support might not be the best. Yes- also agree he needs an evaluation- but while he is using whatever substance he likes, the results of ant test will be inaccurate- pot makes kids lethargic, depressed-</p>

<p>I really feel your pain- I am so sorry. Start with talking to your doctor.</p>

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Your son is obviously very troubled, but please do not fall into the trap of seeing him as a “manipulative enemy.” It’s something a lot of residential wilderness programs push to prevent parents from thinking critically about the abuse their child is trying to report to them.

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Oh, dear god. Please don’t send him to Utah. Or ANY of those types of camps.

Read this article in its entirety, then read some of the top comments for good measure. Then read the documented sources: http://www.cracked.com/article_20843_6-shocking-realities-secret-troubled-teen-industry.html.

Seriously, there is NO REGULATION. They are notorious for extreme abuse cases, death, injury, and otherwise implanting lifelong mental trauma. They don’t “fix” your kid, they just break them in new and even worse ways.

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OverwhelmedMom2, if you’re still reading this thread–see if you can find an “educational consultant” in your area. These are professionals who can evaluate your child academically, psychologically, behaviorally and socially, and then suggest the best school placements for him or her. This can cover anything from local schools to boarding programs, from students with single issues to those with many. The big downside is the cost–several thousand for the evaluation–but if you’re contemplating a Utah-like program you’re looking at much higher costs anyway.

We worked with a consultant with one of our children (now a freshman at a four-year LAC). It was immensely helpful–the school wasn’t a perfect academic fit, but it gave our kid an enormous amount of support, and that’s what she really needed.

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@OverwhelmedMom2, educational consultant is an excellent suggestion. They do vary a bit, as is always true, so you may wish to PM me (and, presumably @SlitheyTove) for a couple of suggestions.

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AND NOT UTAH!!!