Urgent Essay advice please guysss

Hey I applied early action to SUNY Binghamton and I need to get all my materials in by December 1st. On Monday I send everything out. Can you guys give me some crticism on my essay. It would be greatly appreciated.

Topic of Choice

<pre><code> It was another tiresome day in the life of a high school student. I went to my job at Wendy’s ready to work my four hour shift, after a six hour day of school. The time dragged on and it was finally nearing the end of my shift but then I heard a little boy crying. Looking preoccupied, I grabbed a towel from the bucket of sanitizer and began cleaning the tables around the frantic child. I heard the child say, “But mommy I want the Mario go-kart toy.” The mom then responded with, “The girl at the counter said that they only had the Mario cards.” I then shook my head in disappointment at my fellow employee because I had remembered seeing a box marked “Mario Racer” in the back storage area of the store. I then dropped my moist towel and walked speedily behind the counter to the box with the Mario Racers. I tore it open and grabbed the Mario toy and headed back to the frenzied boy. I held the toy behind my back and told the boy, “Close your eyes and put out your hand.” I gave him the toy that he was yearning for. The boy was dazzled at the sight of the toy. His eyes had this glow to them that gave me a feeling of importance. He hugged my leg with his petite arms and said, with a huge smile on his face, “Thank you mister.”
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Making the little boy happy by bringing him that toy is what I live for. Seeing him smile and immediately change his temperament from sad to happy gave me a feeling of joy. I knew that I made a difference in a boy’s life. Sure it was just giving him a measly toy, but at least it made him happy. It is the minor things in life that can really make a difference. I had a long day at school and then I had to go to my job for another four hours. I was exhausted and I didn’t have to make the extra effort to get the toy for the boy but I did. I put my long, grueling day aside for a brief moment just to make someone else happy. By doing that I felt that I became a better person and that is the best feeling in the world.

Fulfilling a little boy’s desire is just the beginning. I want to take this to a higher level. I want to continue that way of life, a life without personal gain or reward. The honor in knowing I made a difference is the only reward I need. I want to know that I made someone’s life better, even if it is for a brief moment. I am not saying I will be the next Mother Theresa or Princess Diana; I just want to be known as a man that put aside his desires to better the lives of the people around him. This is my main goal in life. To live everyday as the best person I can be. Life is too short to concentrate on financial needs and material possessions. I want to be the man that gets that special “Mario Racer” toy for a crying boy and the man that made a difference in the lives of many.

<p>bump little help guys please</p>

<p>It really isn't a super strong essay- it's lacking in creativity. It feels like you're trying to hard to find the "extrordinary in the ordinary"</p>

<p>I like it, but it's a little too dramatic. Like you are really trying to squeeze every drop of emotion out of it like a soap opera. Can you tone it down a bit?</p>

<p>Also I don't like the opening sentence--don't refer to yourself in the third person. </p>

<p>Is your job really so awful and exhausting? How many days/hours a week do you work?</p>

<p>I agree with celebrian - I do not see how this essay makes you stand out from the other applicants. I would try to focus more on your dedication to work despite its hardships which seems like a more interesting story. Inspect your writing for repeated words, such as "happy" and "boy." I like that you described more than you told, but the lack of strong figurative language could hurt you in the end.</p>

<p>Make the beginning more fluid. You've started two of your sentences with a "I then..." Vary the structure there.</p>

<p>alright thanks guys, yea bettina i work around 25-30 hours a week and we get timed on our drive thru speed so for 4 hours its crazy and tiring.</p>