My kid with only positive experiences is far more vulnerable, and thus fragile, than her sibling who had a much tougher road. You can offer valuable perspective-this too shall pass, it is only 1 course, the world is full of unreasonable bureaucrats, and the boyfriend didn’t deserve her anyway. Having perspective will reduce her stress.
I have called my kids’ school (they went to the same large U) on their behalf when I thought it was necessary, and I was able to resolve their issues very quickly. No one from their (elite) school gave me any hassle from calling them. I have contacted housing, professors, deans, adcoms. My girls asked me for help when they couldn’t resolve it on their own. They are out of college now and are very independent (I am no longer needed).
OP - do what you think you need to do for your D. I kind of got confused from your long post, but whatever it is, if you think you need to step in then do it.
It sounds like you wont be happy until you call, so call and get it over with
If you have no luck with a call, see if there’s a committee to which students can appeal for academic variance. Your DD may be able to get one of the options accomplished as an exception via faculty or admin committee. A committee like this could, in theory, overturn the pre-professional designation as an exception depending on the appeal language, for example. I’ve served on such a committee and we have waived requirements (and similar actions) on a case by case basis.
It seems like the professor may be able to help, but if not…Putting the life lesson perspective aside…simply put… it seems calling may only help and certainly won’t hurt. So why not? Just because they go away to college doesn’t mean they can’t use a “phone a friend/mom” now and then. You may be the only one that can effectively explain how important it is to her. Truth is, sometimes they listen to parents more than the student; I find they are sympathetic to the mom perspective and don’t mind hearing it, and helping if they can. They aren’t in that kind of job to be harsh and judgmental. And you will feel like you did all you can and have peace. Nothing to lose, just ask her if she minds you calling and doing what you can.
Theres nothing wrong with calling. You are clearly not hindering your daughter or interfering. Just make sure she knows you’re doing it. You know your daughter and what she needs.
Aren’t the advisors at LACs professors in the area of study for the students? They certainly are at the schools my kids attend, and you referred to yours as a top LAC. Maybe it works differently at her school? Also, I think someone posted a comment on another thread last week regarding a dean’s claim that he’s the guy that not only enforces the rules, but also the guy that will bend them occasionally. Your D is at an LAC that no doubt sold her (and probably you) on the individual, personalized attention they give to their students. Ideally your daughter would be able to navigate this process on her own. But sometimes our adult children can still benefit from our involvement. You’re probably paying the bills and she could use your help. Personally, I’d be on the phone first thing in the morning.
I’d be interested to know if there is supposed to be a paper trail. The three schools my kids went too, there was a paper trail. You went to the registrars office and picked up an add/drop form. To add you filled in the basic information, then the prof signed it and the advisor signed it before you returned to the registrars office for his/her signature. Everyone had to sign off on everything for approval. Youngest had a class that overlapped another class. Both were required for her major and putting either one off meant waiting another year until it was offered which put other things out of order. She talked to both profs first. One agreed to let her leave 15 minutes early and the other agreed to let her arrive 15 minutes late. That was her half hour over lap. She had both profs sign the form before taking it to her advisor. Then with his signature she took it to the registrar and took both classes.
Maybe the best you can do is try to coach your daughter and let her know that you’re willing and able to intervene on her behalf the minute she asks for you to do so. You can even tell her what your intervention would look like to help her make up her mind.
@BlueberryHill: I went through a somewhat similar situation recently with two very important law school classes which were scheduled during the same class periods. Both classes were crucial for the student involved who had been hired by a very prestigious firm to work in that area of legal specialization. Two different Deans as one was in the regular law school & one in a higher level specialty law school–but both were on the same campus. (However, no depression or anxiety was involved–just frustration.)
As frustrating as it was, all parties had to live with the fact that for this rare opportunity (for both the student & the specialty law school), that nothing would be done to ameliorate the situation.
Still bothers me. But that is life. Choices have to be made sometimes even though a very doable & reasonable solution exists. And even though all four parties would have benefitted if a schedule adjustment was made. There was a fifth party who could not adjust his schedule.
The only time I have contacted my DD’s college was when she was in the hospital for a week.
I think I might tell her to fill out a FERPA waiver (so they can talk to you) and then offer to 3 way call in to any meetings/calls she might have if she needs back up and of course offer advice in general.
Is there an ombudsperson at her school? Could she contact them?
I would not contact the dean myself. I would offer to help my daughter craft appropriate emails/questions to ask but then have her advocate for herself.
I like the independent study idea. One year when I was in school (back in the dark ages) I was able to take a Radcliffe Seminar in writing and illustrating childrens books for credit that way.
The best international relations class my son took at Tufts the department wouldn’t count as part of their major for similar reasons - as part of the class they ran a symposium on the subject. They claimed the class wasn’t academic enough even though he did more reading and writing for that class than ones they did approve.
@jmnva06: Although I counsel against going any further in this matter, if OP’s daughter elects to do so, I agree with your advice.
I also have a kid struggling with anxiety and have struggled to balance when to help.
From what you wrote, your daughter seems to be handling the situation well. She has advocated for herself. The school has responded but not in her favor. This does not seem to be a case where her anxiety or depression is stopping her from functioning and being able to present her case.
My feeling is that your daughter seems to have this under control. Help her find options.Suggest ways of presenting her case. I would let her continue to handle this unless you feel she is physically or mentally unable. If that is the case then the lighter courseload might be a better option.
As a parent, our first instinct is often to solve the problem or soften the blow. Sometimes, I fear that is not what is best. As others said disappointment and heartache is part of life. It is often what makes us appreciate what we have.
The independent study idea ought to work. The professor may have to agree to it. (As I understand the situation, the professor is not a good source of leverage with the dean or registrar, because he is not a member of the faculty of the particular student’s college. This is a course being taught at another college, and the student wants her college to give her credit for it if she takes it. He can help, however, by agreeing to supervise her “independent study” and to assign and read her liberal-arts appropriate paper.)
It would be best if the student advocated for herself, but I wouldn’t hesitate to call if that becomes a problem, especially at a small LAC where there’s a good chance you will actually be able to reach the dean. The school should understand that the advisor’s failure to advise about this issue is a problem
You want your child to be able to handle situations by herself when you are no longer around. You also want your child to be willing to talk with you and not fear your making decisions on her behalf. That means you stay in the background and give advice but it is up to her to execute.
Sorry to sound so harsh, but my sister once told me, “If you ask their advice, be prepared to take it.” I got myself in quite a pickle after college and only called my parents when I was truly desperate. It would have been better had I talked with them earlier but I didn’t because I would afraid they would try to take over which they did.
I have a daughter who is now a sophomore in college who worked over the summer at a Scout camp. She called to say her supervisor was swearing at her. We suggested she talk to his boss and we let her know she was welcome to come home (quit), that no one should have to endure swearing. She ended up following our advice to talk with this supervisor’s boss and the camp decided this counselor would no longer be her supervisor. We gave her suggestions; she did what she though was best. She knew we had her back and she knew we had confidence in her to handle the situation.
Update –
I did make a phone call (with DD’s permission) to the registrar. Overall, the result of that was extremely valuable – not that it resulted (at least initially) in reasonable accommodations (it did not), but it did result in much better mutual awareness of issues. As a result of my call to the registrar, DD’s advisor chose to reach out to me with a phone call. That call was fantastic and it enabled me to triangulate the relationship; the advisor now understands my DD on a much deeper level and she is now 100% in DD’s camp. Likewise, I was able to explain the advisor’s perspective to my DD, and tried to impress upon DD the importance of opening up and more fully sharing herself with her advisor, counselors, professors, etc.
DD acted on that advice and followed up with various deans, administrators, counselors and her advisor, being much more open and sharing much more fully than she was naturally inclined. I told her I had her back and would help her to whatever extent she wanted. Since none of the early efforts yielded positive results, she told me that she really wanted me to attend one important meeting with her, so I drove to the school prepared to do that. By the time I arrived, though, she received some initial feedback that was very encouraging, so we both agreed that it would be best for her to attend the important meeting on her own. She did that, with me in the parking lot with my cellphone handy in case things went south. She came out feeling optimistic, and within 2 days the situation was resolved in a way that is totally satisfactory to her.
Overall, I’m glad I got involved to the extent I did. The school, while initially cynical, ultimately made me feel like I was facilitating, not overstepping. While the process showed us that this institution has many challenges and shortcomings – it’s not just my 18-y-o who is flawed (I know, shocker!!) – it also showed us that people at the school really do care and with persistence and open communication she can win allies and advocates and accomplish what she needs.
DD is extremely grateful for my support and we’re both proud of her self-advocating and relationship building.
Thanks again for your kind and well-intentioned advice. I don’t think there were any black and white obviously right or wrong answers. Your varied opinions helped me to think through options and find what felt best for us.
Love great news! Good for you. And your D. 