<p>DD is a sophomore. She went off to college and 2 days before classes started her long-term boyfriend broke up with her. DD did not handle it well, four days later her best friend died. Our DD is an emotional mess and is going to class but is not doing any of the work. She is not doing well emotionally and is seeing a counselor. We tried to talk her into taking a semester off when part of the tuition was refundable, but she wouldn't do it.</p>
<p>now she is past the refundable point and is failing all her classes. She has not turned in more than one assignment for each class, there is no way for her to catch up. She simply can't concentrate and doesn't do any of her assignments, she just goes and hangs out with her friends every night after class. What we are now dealing with is wanting what is best for her, which would be to take the pressure off of her with school. However, if she drops out we can not get any of the money that we have paid and we are on the hook for her apartment for the entire year. She will not be able to go back next year, as we do not have the money set aside to pay these expenses again.</p>
<p>I'm at a loss as to what to do. If I encourage her to come home, I'm ending her college career. If I encourage her to stay in school she is going to fail the semester, and still probably not graduate as we can't pay for an extra semester. Not to mention that her GPA will fall so low, she will be lucky to ever get it high enough to graduate. Whenever I bring up grades she gets really mad and says she doesn't want to talk about it. </p>
<p>I've never felt more helpless and have no idea what to do. Either way we are out the entire cost of a year at her apartment and are open to any suggestions. She is only working 12 hours a week so there is no way that she can earn enough to pay her own expenses. </p>
<p>She needs to speak with her advisor, the dean, and the mental health office about arranging a medical leave for the rest of the semester. That would save her grades, even if you will still be out the tuition/fees for the term. If she chose, she could stay in her college town, work more hours at her part time job, see a local counselor, and pull herself together. With luck, she might be ready to go back in January.</p>
<p>If she thinks she can pull it together in one or two of her classes, withdrawing from the others (or taking incompletes in the others) might work too.</p>
<p>I am so sorry. This kind of situation seems to happen more than it should with college kids. I wish the colleges were more forgiving about refunding tuition.</p>
<p>Can she take her classes this semester pass/fail? Or can she drop out for the semester (knowing that you’ll have to swallow the expense, as you said) and work more hours, just to justify the sunk cost of the apartment. Or…can she sublet to a student who might not be starting till the next semester (i.e., maybe someone who is currently studying abroad)?</p>
<p>What kind of support are you getting from the school?</p>
<p>Hugs to you. I can’t imagine more distressing circumstances for your D. How far away is her school from your house? Could you go up and stay with her for a week or so, and work alongside the college counselor to help her process her grief.</p>
<p>I think the shock of a double loss is overwhelming, and I would concentrate on that issue first and foremost. Even if you lose another week or two of classes, I just don’t think it would be productive to push her too much. She might resent you and think it’s only about the money and that you don’t care what she’s going through. (I can feel your pain about the money issues, it would be financially devastating for our family as well.)</p>
<p>I would get involved with the administration, I know folks on cc tell parents NOT to get involved, to let the student do all the legwork and take care of everything. But it sounds like it has gone way beyond her ability to think and process.
Maybe with the counselor backing you up, you could ask for a pro rated refund, maybe get suggestions on subletting her apartment.</p>
<p>If you can spend time with your D, hug and love her for a couple days, cook her favorite foods, and let her talk and cry all she wants. After a couple days, ask her what SHE wants to do. Does she have interest in sticking it out, pulling it together, working with professors to ask for accommodations to make up some of her work, etc. </p>
<p>Honestly, if she says she is done and wants to come home, I don’t see how you can force her to be motivated enough to carry on. Is it too late to withdraw from classes and salvage her gpa?</p>
<p>There are all kinds of ways to repair gpa once your D is recovered and motivated to do the work. We parents try so hard to make the path smooth for our kids (I do this too) but sometimes life throws something so damaging at them and we just can’t protect our kids from the pain.</p>
<p>Again, so sorry for all your family going through this.</p>
<p>I think you should call the dean or whatever administrator is appropriate and explain the situation. She should definitely be able to take medical withdrawal with paperwork from a counselor or MD, including those on campus. A medical withdrawal would mean wiping the slate clean. That is preferable to a failing transcript, believe me.</p>
<p>Taking the time to process these losses may be important. If she can do that on campus and get some kind of accommodations for depression (through the disabilities office or mental health center), it is worth considering . She could consider meds for depression. But it is not the end of the world to come home and get back in shape, and it can be really hard to overcome those early failures.</p>
<p>Subletting the apartment might work.</p>
<p>Tuition refund insurance works great for this kind of situation. Maybe the college will have a sympathetic response.</p>
<p>I’m sorry your daughter is having this difficulty. Since she decided NOT to take the semester off, is it really too late for her to catch up with her work? Midterms haven’t happened yet, have they? Has she talked to her professors/instructors? Perhaps they will make special arrangements for her to catch up with her missed work by the end of the semester, considering the circumstances. But she needs to be willing/able to start doing the work and stop wasting time hanging out/socializing. If she really can’t get it together, she should take the medical leave. Even if she drops out now, that is not the end of her college career. And YOU are not responsible for ending it (at least temporarily) now. She is making that decision, and she can still choose to go back later–even years later–and pay for it herself. You are doing the right thing by encouraging counseling. Has she seen a medical doctor/does she need medication for depression? If she just can’t face the reality of grades/coursework now, and won’t even talk about it, maybe she needs time off. Would she be able to work more hours if she isn’t going to class, and at least cover part of the expenses? </p>
<p>Her friend died a month ago, and she has been seeing a counselor weekly and is also on an anti-depressant. Her professors said that they would work with her, but I don’t know to what extent. I know that she is attending classes, but she has not turned in much work. She said she can’t concentrate long enough to sit down and do it. She said she doesn’t want to come home, but we also feel like we can’t pay all the bills and just let her do whatever she wants either. Her emotional situation is VERY delicate, to the point where she can’t be alone at all. We are going down to see her as often as we can but since she is 19 years old we really can’t force her to do anything. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through as a parent. The emotional stress of watching my child suffer in addition to the financial stress is alot to handle. Thanks for listening and offering advice.</p>
<p>Ask her to work on getting a late drop from all courses plus a financial break (some type of refund) due to extenuating circumstances. She should move on this pronto. You can help her. Get a singed letter FROM her counselor on his/her letterhead stating she can’t attend and complete her schoolwork due to her condition. She’ll need that letter. </p>
<p>If she were to do a medical withdrawal, what choices would she have to still graduate? We don’t have the money to pay for another semester? Can she take extra credits, transfer in? Just looking for ways to help her out of the situation if she still wants to finish school.</p>
<p>OP, I looked at your past posts to see if I could figure out what kind of college your daughter is attending. It sounds as though it’s a big state school. So it might be harder to get the personal support she needs right now.</p>
<p>I also noted that she had a tough time freshman year too, dealing with depression, a failing grade, and some difficult classes. I only ask this in the most supportive way–do you think “sleepaway” college is a good idea for her right now? I am sure you are spending a lot of money for her to attend, even if she is in-state. Would living at home and attending CC be a better choice for this challenging stage in her life?</p>
<p>If I were her teacher, I would be willing to give her an incomplete, which would allow her to try to get through the course within a year, but then, I’m a sucker for a sob story. You/She should be evaluating the situation to see what you can salvage here.</p>
<p>Once she deals with this semester (her final?), she can create a plan with her academic advisor on how to complete her degree. Does she need a waiver of the residency policy so she can bring in courses from a community college? She could request that (again, in writing). Before she drops/withdraws from the semester, she can plan for all her final reqs with her advisors. They see this situation a lot. It’s not as uncommon as it might feel. They want her to heal and complete her schooling and will likely help her any way they can. But, she has to ask. Like noted above, this IS the kind of situation where’s it’s completely appropriate for a parent to assist overtly, even meeting with the student and school admin. You might ask her to waive her FERPA rights at the school for you. </p>
<p>Did your daughter come in with any AP credits, or dual enrollment type credits? She might have started college with enough credits to be a second semester freshman or almost to sophomore status when she walked on campus for freshman orientation. That would help a lot in keeping her in line to still graduate on time.</p>
<p>Depending on her major, it might be possible to take less expensive community college courses or online courses to replace the courses she might withdraw from this semester. Or she could take more courses per semester when she is stronger and able to come back to college. Some colleges let you “walk” in graduation ceremony when you still have 6 hours of classes yet to be taken. That’s what I did, and took the remaining 2 classes that summer after graduation. Got my actual diploma later.</p>
<p>She is on a sinking ship right now. To be blunt, this is not the time to worry about the “priceless china” that you will lose when the ship goes down. Do what you can to get her off the sinking ship. Save her life, enlist others she cares about to help convince her to withdraw so she can have proper time to grieve. If she can’t even be left alone at school for fear of her condition, how can you expect her to study and do homework, to learn and retain any knowledge?</p>
<p>Yes, the finances are huge, but if you get her out now, there is still a chance to rescue some of your tuition. And advertising the apartment for a sublease is still a possibility. And you won’t be stuck paying for next semester’s tuition if your D continues in her current condition.</p>
<p>Please do not think that I value my money more than my daughter’s life. I would love for her to come home and live here and go to the commuter college. She flat out doesn’t want to do that, because she doesn’t want to live at home. Our other fear is that if we pull too much financial help because she won’t do things our way, she will spiral even more. It is such a slippery slope and we are trying to figure out how to salvage it as much as we can. I appreciate the suggestions so much and think a call to the Dean is in order.
Yes, last year was rough, but she did finish the year. She likes her classes this semester and had these events not happened I think she would have a better year, and learned from some of last year’s mistakes,</p>
<p>A million years ago I had a situation where I was getting horrible stress headaches which manifested in a way that felt as if I had a brain tumor. I went to my professors individually (and I was in a pretty convincing state of disarray) and pleased for incompletes. I had been doing all the work up to that point but just could not take the finals. They all gave them no questions asked and I got treatment and made up the exams early the next quarter. I would urge her to work with professors as best she can to get work in or make an arrangement to complete the class somehow. They might be flexible on a case by case basis.</p>
<p>Because her profs said they would work with her, I’d take a day off and go visit the profs with her, both of you, to set up some kind of plan. When cc parents say to let kids handle it, they don’t mean in a case of a medical emergency and that’s what this feels like. </p>
<p>I like lots of the ideas here. Like eating an elephant, take it one bite at a time. You don’t have to solve it all right now. It seems the issues are 1) What to do about the coursework this semester (ie, medical leave or pass/fail or incompletes); 2) What to do about her living situation (ie, sublet or let her stay in college town and pick up work hours to pay expenses) and 3) How to keep her on track to graduate in a reasonable time (ie, move home and do cc work, which is cheaper, have her take out loans for that extra semester/year, transfer to a college and live at home).</p>
<p>Good luck. This is so difficult, but you are so not alone. I have so many of my friends who have had similar issues. It’ll be OK.</p>
<p>Medical leave may be your best option to save her GPA. But here’s the thing. I often hear advice to focus on treatment. It’s good advice, but even with daily therapy (and I’m not sure where that’s available or affordable as an outpatient) the patient needs something that provides structure for the rest of her waking hours. Going to class probably provides some of that for her and that’s why she’s still attending. Doing so gives her a reason to get up and get moving. See if you can find out more about how her profs are planning to work with her. </p>
<p>If professors are willing to work with her, incompletes may be an options, which could save her GPA and your money BUT for a plan like that to work, your d would have to be at a point where she could start engaging now. She doesn’t want more to finish than she could do over winter break, so she could start spring fresh.</p>
<p>Another option to consider is dropping down to part time. You lose less money and her extra semester becomes a few extra credits to finish. Again, though, it assumes your d is ready to start engaging in at least a few classes. </p>
<p>OP, I can’t imagine the rollercoaster you are on right now. I acknowledge it is a tough position you are in, negotiating with a wounded young adult. Maybe an administrator at the college can help you help your daughter see that withdrawing is the best possible option.</p>