Help! Is my essay alright?

Prep School Admissions
1

<p>The essay topic is: Explain the impact of an event or activity that has created a change in your life or in your way of thinking.
Word limit: 250-500 My essay is EXACTLY 500 words.</p>

<p>Note: I took out the locations for security reasons.</p>

<p>Essay:
Sometimes we learn more from the unpleasant experiences that we have faced. If we are strong enough to not only get past adversities, but to also learn a valuable life lesson from the experience, it will shape us into a better person. I have become much more emphatic and mature not because of success, but because of bullying.</p>

<p>I had moved to ----- at the age of five and a half, with no basis for English except for the few months I had spent in -----. It was a nerve-wracking experience moving to a drastically different environment where I could not communicate with majority of the people; therefore I was very introverted and rarely spoke to anyone. The fact that I was required to go to school for the first time in my life only made it worse. It was nearly impossible for me to make friends, as I was regularly ignored and never acknowledged by my classmates.</p>

<p>Due to my lack of friends, I tried to join in whenever my classmates were playing together, even though I wasn’t invited. Finally, they began to bully me and call me names in an attempt to get rid of me. I turned to the teacher for guidance, but that only earned me the title of a ‘tattletale’.</p>

<p>After being crowned the class ‘tattletale’, I had to face even more bullies, who would bully me in very different ways. A group of girls would attack anyone who tried to be friendly to me, while another group would constantly tease me by how poorly I dressed and my appearance. There was one boy who was constantly threatening to hurt me and even went as far as to holding sharp scissors dangerously close to my face and threatening to cut it off.</p>

<p>The bullying had begun in kindergarten, but I had never told the teacher about it until near the end of grade two. Once I did, however, things began to change drastically. The boy no longer bullied me and apologized sincerely for frightening me. Most of the other bullies ignored me from then on, but there was still a couple that would tease me. Luckily, I was offered a fresh start when my parents decided to buy a house in -----.</p>

<p>Even after I had moved and was no longer bullied, I was constantly remembering the horrors I had to face and my self-esteem was almost nonexistent. I was paranoid about being targeted by bullies again. Although this terrifying experience happened many years ago, I was still affected by it all the way until grade seven. </p>

<p>This experience taught me the horrifying effects of bullying, how important it is to contact an adult at times, and that everyone faces their own difficulties. From then on, I became more aware of what we say and others’ feelings. I try to stand up for anyone who is being bullied. After all, I would not want anyone to go through the same thing as I did.</p>

2

<p>I’ll take a stab, if you don’t mind some mild criticism. Overall, the essay is very good!</p>

<p>First paragraph, first sentence: “We learn more from unpleasant experiences” – than from what? You seem to be setting up a comparison here, but you don’t follow it through.
Second sentence: Adversity, not adversities.</p>

<p>Second paragraph, second sentence: “It was nerve-wracking to move to…”</p>

<p>Fifth paragraph, first sentence: You said back in paragraph three that you told the kindergarten teacher, but in this sentence you said that you didn’t tell a teacher until the end of second grade.
Fourth sentence: “…there WERE still a FEW (couple sounds like a matched set) WHO would tease me.” (Bolded words are the ones that need to be changed.)</p>

<p>Sixth paragraph, third sentence: What happened to make you stop being affected by the experience in seventh grade? Did you grow out of your fear, or did you get counseling, or what? The admissions person might want to know.</p>

<p>That’s all! Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings, and please don’t feel you have to change anything just because of my comments. I just wanted to give you something to work with. Best of luck to you!!</p>

3

<p>Quick critique: Talk more about what it taught you, and less about the details of what happened. Make the details more powerful and fewer. Also when talking about what it taught you, make it more powerful also, saying that it taught you to talk to adults is not really a great point. But facing difficulties is a good point.</p>

4

<p>And yes, same with me, I hope I don’t hurt your feelings!!! Hope your essays impress the AO!</p>

5

<p>I agree. Less details since that is a downer. More what learned – an upper!</p>

6

<p>two suggestions</p>

<p>1) try and get rid of any -ing verbs. -ing verbs clutter essays, and don’t really add to the meaning. </p>

<p>example: fourth paragraph, last sentence: …who was constantly threatening to hurt me</p>

<p>instead, say this: …Who constantly threatened to hurt me…</p>

<p>and 2) I say go into extreme detail on your essays. Paint a picture in the AOs head. They want to ENJOY reading an essay, not dread it. You have great ideas, but make it exciting! AOs want to see your writing style, and putting facts on a page doesn’t really show anything. Try and create that image within the reader’s head and take them to your point of view.</p>

7

<p>Along the lines of 2) from swimdude, I suggest a more interesting opening. Perhaps start by quoting something that one of the bullies said to you that was really scary or devastating. Or take a couple lines to describe a particularly scary bullying event, but in present tense. This will immediately create the right mood for the reader, and act as a hook. Then you can transition into what you have now.</p>

<p>And may I say, it sucks when the adults in charge aren’t paying attention. Sorry that happened to you.</p>

8

<p>First para - emphatic? Did you mean empathetic/empathic?</p>

9

<p>Thank you everyone! I received a lot more useful advice than I had expected.</p>

10

<p>@swimdude006 How do you think I should add more details into my essays without exceeding the 500 word limit?</p>

11

<p>I edited my essay. This is what it looks like now:</p>

<p>“I’m going to kill you one day.” Imagine that you are in grade one, young and defenseless. A boy is holding scissors dangerously close to your face and says this to you. You can tell from his tone and the determined set of his eyes that he is serious. There are no adults around to protect you, and the students present will only encourage him. How scared would you be? I was so terrified that I couldn’t cry nor scream. I just stood still; paralyzed in fear until my classmates – my tormentors – finished mocking me and walked away. I had once thought that there was nothing wrong with being a bystander, but I was wrong. If someone had stood up for me, they could’ve saved me from being traumatized by this horrible memory.</p>

<p>Sometimes we learn more from the experiences we would rather forget than those that put a smile on our faces. If we are strong enough to not only get past adversity, but to also learn a valuable life lesson from the experience, it will shape us into a better person. I have become much more empathetic and mature not because of success or encouragement, but because of bullying.</p>

<p>I had moved from ---- to ----- at the age of five and a half. It was nerve-wracking moving to a drastically different environment and attending school for the first time with no basis for English. Due to my lack of friends, I tried to join in whenever my classmates were playing together, even though I wasn’t invited. I could detect their distaste for me, but I tried not to be affected. Finally, they resorted to bullying to get rid of me. I turned to the teacher for guidance, but that only earned me the title of a ‘tattletale’. </p>

<p>After being crowned the class ‘tattletale’, the bullying became almost unbearable. Every day, I would have to bear multiple threats and constant mocking. My bullies started vicious rumors that spread around the school like wildfire. Before long, nobody wanted to be my friend. I was an outcast who was hated by everyone. </p>

<p>Luckily, I was offered a fresh start when my parents decided to buy a house in ----. I still remembered the horrors I had to face and became extremely sensitive and introverted. Thanks to the cruel remarks about my appearance, I developed a distorted self-image. I was still affected by my experience with bullying up until grade seven, which is when my supportive friends helped me overcome my past. From them, I learned to be supportive and empathetic, and lend an ear to anyone feeling misunderstood.</p>

<p>Because of this experience, I realized that any form of bullying can affect someone for a long time, and it is important to stand up against injustice. I learned to accept others’ differences and be more considerate of others’ feelings. I also began to value justice and equality more strongly because I believe everyone is equal and nobody should be discriminated.</p>

12

<p>Wow, your essay is amazing!
Good luck to you!</p>

13

<p>Be careful about posting your essay up publicly! </p>

<p>I have no idea about personal essays & high school admissions, but many electronic essay delivery systems inputs the essay text into a plagiarism checker (ie. Turnitin). If the school you are applying to so does so, your essay may be viewed as plagiarized from College Confidential, as can be found in a Google search.</p>

<p>The following opinion of your essay is in no way or form attempting to demean you or the trauma that you faced as a child. It’s my honest opinion. </p>

<p>General comments: I’m a harsh editor, and the essay seemed a little bland. Perhaps it is because I’m usually a cynic and apathetic, but your essay didn’t evoke any pathos. I was not moved.</p>

14

<p>Stella: I love your essay. It’s very well organized, sincere & convincing. Readers should like you & want to meet you. Excellent work !</p>

15

<p>Aside from the rest of the comments, something that would add to this essay would be how this not only impacted you and made you aware of the effects of bullying, but also something that you actually <em>did</em> to advocate for yourself and for other bullied students. How will this experience enable you to make a positive contribution to your new school? Emphasize your commitment to standing up for others even if doing so is not the popular decision. You might also want to touch upon the role of the bystander. Perhaps if this hadn’t happened to you, it might have been easier (though still unpleasant) to become a bystander in the face of this happening to someone else. But your experience has taught you that it is everyone’s responsibility to keep the community safe. Hope this helps.</p>