<p>I see your point, blossom, but I guess I still don’t understand. If you know your child is not ready to live independently, then why not keep him or her home to commute to the local state university or community college? Also, if you see a weakness that could impact the student’s ability to live independently, why not resolve it before the kid leaves home? I’ve heard from some friends whose kids report freshman roommates and new acquaintances who haven’t yet mastered their fear of the dark or fear of being alone in a room, for example. These are fears kids should get over in lower elementary school or at the absolute latest in high school. If for some reason they haven’t, then why wasn’t that fear addressed a year or more ago? One girl can’t go in elevators or stairwells by herself, another can’t take a shower in an empty bathroom.</p>
<p>Special ed. and mentally ill children form a growing population that our society is going to have to find more ways to help, but there seem to be too many basically normal and physically healthy kids who simply haven’t been adequately prepared for life as an adult. I wonder if this is because 'secretly" mom or dad want to still be needed. I say this because these aren’t the negligent, absent parents you see doing the velcro thing, but ostensibly the involved ones.</p>
<p>TheGFG, I can relate. I am, in fact, somewhat of an emotional mess as my only child prepares to leave for college (although I try to limit my kid’s exposure to that) but when my husband went to Iraq I was very calm. Sure, I had my moments but even I was surprised how calm I really felt. </p>
<p>I could tell when some people would ask about my husband while he was in Iraq that they were waiting for me to cry or at least look pained. Also, people would say to me too that they would be an absolute wreck. I was so tempted to say, “Well, we’re just not that close.” </p>
<p>Not only do we all process things differently, I have found that I’m not especially good at predicting what any given process will be like for me.</p>
<p>D1 has been at college for just over two weeks. She called yesterday (not for the first time, we have made trips back to school to deliver things in an hour’s drive) filled with excitement over the recruiting visit to her foreign language class. She can now begin preparation for her year abroad at some point in the next three years. </p>
<p>I hope she realizes we won’t be able to bring missing items to China at the drop of a hat!</p>
<p>I think there is a hill of difference in being emotional upset when separating from one’s young adult and being unable to physically remove yourself from their presence. I don’t think any college presidents, or editorial writers, or posters would say that it is wrong to be emotionally upset. Staying in or near the college, attending classes, scheduling meals with offspring, looking for tasks to do that the young person is perfectly capable of doing…those sorts of things are not normal. Even someone who isn’t shedding tears, who does a 6 hour drop-off etc. “misses” and “morns” the change even if they do not outwardly display emotions.</p>
<p>It is difficult on both sides of this separation. I am very proud of my child and happy for her, she has made great choices and she’s on her way to building the life she wants. I do miss her and I know there are times that she misses the familiarity of home even though she is having a lot of fun at school along with the hard work - but there is no other way to go but forward. If she were home neither of us would be happy; she would feel like a failure for not moving on and I would feel we had failed to prepare her or were unable to support her academic aspirations.</p>
<p>Moments of sadness are one thing, change always has its challenges, anything more than that is an excess that should be addressed. Even though I have moments of missing her (the house is so much quieter, and cleaner) I am very happy she is away at school - and somewhere in the near future I will be happy about the foreign study too.</p>
<p>S2 is a jr and drove cross country himself to go back to school (1st year we took him, 2nd yr I drove most of the way with him and he left me at the nearest airport). For 2 yrs he would frequently call mom (who’s ALWAYS on-line) for directions, to check his e-mail, to load money on his laundry card. This year, he got a phone that allows him to check e-mail and has GPS, and he figured out how to load money on his card himself. I lamented that he wouldn’t need me anymore. However, he has now called several times for items he left here and for cooking advice. (How do I cook clams?!!! And how did his cousin in Italy make that grilled chicken we ate when he was 10?!!) So I guess you never know. </p>
<p>He was bored out his mind at home this summer. I have an especially big knot this fall because I fear that he will not be back home next summer.</p>
<p>When we took our daughter to college freshman year (a number of years ago) lots of parents were very emotional and that college kicks the parents out pretty firmly after move-in. H and I were much less emotional since our daughter had been to boarding school for 2 years (now THAT is a different ballgame- leaving a 16 year old many states away in a boarding school dorm in the middle of nowhere…). On college move-in day our daughter was being rather surly and bi**hy. H and I could not WAIT to get out of there. Add to that the temperature and humidity index and the fact that we were sweaty and miserable. We had embarrassed our daughter by bringing too big of a trailer (H had waited too long and the smallest size was gone)- she was bringing a futon couch for the shared living room area of the dorm suite- and she was a little nervous and, naturally, taking it out on us. We felt a little guilty as we bolted from campus without a teary goodbye.</p>
<p>I wasn’t the least bit teary when I said good-bye at orientation 'cuz I had my son, who graduated in May, still home. If I didn’t have him, I’d have my mother living with us. The term empty nest doesn’t exist for me.</p>
<p>I recently launched my first. I was happy for him most of the time, excited actually (living a bit vicariously, I suppose). Sad a few times.</p>
<p>I left the move in pace up to him. We carried all his stuff up the the fourth floor (nearly 100 degrees that day!)</p>
<p>He wanted to have a meal with me in the cafeteria, so we had a nice late lunch together. I offered to make a run to a store for a few things - we had neglected to bring an obligatory case of beverages, he needed another power strip, I thought he should have a pair of scissors, etc.</p>
<p>Once I was back with those things, I offered to make his bed or help him unpack (the parents across the hall had hung up all their S’s shirts, and looked to be making themselves at home). S declined, and since I had a long drive home, I said my goodbyes. I was teary, he was a little emotional himself.</p>
<p>I am leaving the communication up to him. I did email & text him once about something I needed to know, and he’s called once a day. He has been posting things on his facebook about what he’s been up to, and I’m going to post things regularly on mine so that he can still feel a part of things at home without me being obtrusive.</p>
<p>I think it’s been a successful transition. He’s been figuring things out for himself that I would just handle</p>
<p>Because sometimes you just don’t know until you have put your kid into that situation. Even parents with the most confident, together kid wonder if their kid could make it on their own. So we do all kinds of things to try to verify that they are ok.</p>
<p>30 years ago sending kids off to college was just as hard, at least for the kids, except we were suppose to suck it up. It wasn’t fashionable to talk about missing kids, or have kids missing parents because it would have been a sign of weakness. 30 years ago, I missed my parents and my home terribly. I walked by houses during meal time and seeing families having meals together or watching 7 o’clock evening news (my father watched it religiously), it would bring tears to my eyes.</p>
<p>People’s feelings don’t change, doesn’t matter if it was 10, 20, 30 or 100 years ago. It’s never easy to see one’s offsprings leave (for better opportunity, war, or school). It is only now when I am a parent that I understood how my parents felt. I just left my elderly parents recently to live in another country because of work. I could feel their pain even if they do not express it.</p>
<p>This is taking things a bit off topic, but we have a reverse situation here. Older s has just moved back to the metro area, after essentially having been gone for the past 6 yrs (was not home during summer college breaks and then moved a state away for work). He now lives about a 1/2 hr south of us, and works about 45’ south of where he lives. We are working out the delicate dance between wanting to spend some time with him vs not wanting to be intrusive as he establishes a life for himself here. Its funny-- it was easier to ask about things he was doing , clubs/teams/sports etc he was joining, because here he might wonder in the back of his head if we would show up to watch (and the kinds of sport activites would probably not led itself to that). </p>
<p>We are working hard NOT to be velcro-ish since he is grown and on his own, but it is another interesting transition… BTW he is o nhis way here to spend some time with us this morning…</p>
<p>Sounds like you did really well–and that your student was really ready for the transition.
Much better than some of the parents highlighted in these articles. </p>
<p>Do you all think these parents are so much of the norm -that the colleges have to have these remedies? Or are they few and far between -and very disruptive?</p>