The "going away" part of going away to college

Parents Forum
1

<p>Prompted by a post in another thread, I couldn't post there without it being unseemly finger-wagging at the OP.</p>

<p>Plus criticizing other people's approaches to being a parent is one one of the great taboos, even here on CC.</p>

<p>That said:</p>

<p>What kind of magical thinking are parents indulging in if their child has never gone away anywhere, even attended sleepovers, and then expects the child to go away to college without any issues?</p>

<p>Holy moly. Bringing up a child is an evolutionary process, one that should give them increasing amounts of skills and experiences as they get older so that they can function independently by the time they reach college age, college or not.</p>

<p>Everything from making decisions about money, decisions from among choices, and being away from parents and having to negotiate everything from social settings to travel arrangements.</p>

<p>The idea that a child should be able to shift abruptly from cocoon to free fall is, to use a technical term, nutso.</p>

<p>In D's case, there was summer ballet camps two states away. There are nine-and-sixty alternatives, at least. </p>

<p>What are parents thinking, thinking they can send their children off to college without having developed self-assurance and basic competence at looking after one's self?</p>

<p><end rant=""></end></p>

2

<p>I suspect what they area thinking is that there is more than one way to raise a child. I was never anywhere overnight besides maybe one night with grandparents once or twice, and at 18 went on long trips alone or with friends with no problem. I eventually selected a college that was coincidentally close to home, but it may as well be a thousand miles away-- I had never been to the city the school is in and all was completely new, I never see any family or friends unless the dorms are closed and I have to go home, and I receive no help or support from my family at all when I am away. I don’t even see friends from home. And I am doing better than friends who DID go to camp and whatnot. I don’t think you have to actually be alone in order to develop self-assurance and basic competence at looking after oneself. I was raised in a way that allowed me to develop those skills without needing sleepovers or summer camp. While those things can be fabulous tools, just sending your kid away or allowing sleepovers isn’t enough to build the skills necessary to succeed at a faraway school, and they aren’t the only way to accomplish gaining those skills either.</p>

3

<p>When S1 was 8, he and his buddy decided they wanted to go to horse camp. Yikes - not only a week long sleepover, but now I had to worry about him being trampled by horses. The other mother and I were horrified by the condition of the boy’s bunk house. We cried, and then called them for the first two days before it became obvious that they didn’t want the phone calls. Fast forward 10 years and both my kids have been to sleep away camps every year since.</p>

<p>Every family is different, but for us it was a great decision.</p>

4

<p>Oh, good grief. Plenty of kids go off to college without having – gasp! – gone to sleep-away camp, and they survive just fine. Most kids do fine going away to college; a few don’t, and whether or not they went to summer camp or had enough sleepovers as a child hasn’t got a thing to do with it.</p>

5

<p>Sleep-away camp isn’t in the budget for most people, but a weekend at grandma’s while mom / dad go out of town, a sleepover with friends, or even Boy / Girl Scout camping are.</p>

<p>Around here, the schools do the 8th-grade-trip-to-Wash-DC thing (long weekend); certainly other schools do similar types of trips. Those would serve as some preparation, too. Clearly the schools believe 8th graders are capable of spending a few days away from home.</p>

6

<p>Your point is valid, and may have been approached by parents who have resistant children. For one reason or another, it did not work out and it never seemed the right time for the shove. I am not disagreeing with you, I am saying it is hard to see why a parent has made the choices they have. I think ultimately we all do the best we can with the information we have at the time… everything else is hindsight in blaring 20/20 vision with coulda/shoulda/woulda’s.</p>

<p>S2 has always been a very independent child. Self sufficient, advocates well for himself, and assimilates well into new groups. Somewhere around 11 (forget the exact age) he went to an overnight camp that was literally 15 min fm home (what can I say, we were considered the boonies back then!), with several of his buddies. The first night my boy overloaded on s’mores and was terribly sick. Out went the mandatory call to mom who picked him up. This stuck with my otherwise self confident child…he just liked home better. With the exception of 1-2 friends he’d known since elem. school, sleepovers were always here. No sweat.</p>

<p>We knew we were going to have the rip the band-aid off sooner rather than later. We were very fortunate to have an opportunity many others don’t… it was literally custom cut for a student like, ours and could not have been more perfect. </p>

<p>S2 applied for a summer program at a state college last year (kicking and screaming!). We promised, just see if you get in, you don’t have to go. He was accepted along with a long time best friend (happens to be a girl) who had been before and could not stop talking about how wonderful it was. He agreed to the two week camp. He lived in dorms, ate at the dining halls, did camp stuff like talent shows, etc. This, along with what the kids called ‘nerd camp’ which was their daily classes on chem, teen culture in other countries, media, drama, etc. They lived like college kids for two weeks (with massive supervision!). He gained confidence that he CAN go into a dorm with 8 other boys he has never met, share a room, a bathroom, and really do ok…and have a blast. They played poker, and his suite seemed to have all the boys who were musical so that was their talent at the talent show. S2 plays the guitar, so he literally got to be a rock star at ‘nerd camp’! :slight_smile: (this is what the kids call it). He made great friends that he keeps in touch with, fell in love with a university that he hopes to be accepted to, and met a girlfriend to boot… however they were not allowed to get within a foot of each other because of camp rules! Loved that! She lives one county over and almost a year later they have an awesome bond that can only be found at your first summer away.</p>

<p>I say this not to go on about his summer away, but that sometimes a push can come slowly… just the application, no commitment, etc. Sometimes the summer programs that people find over-kill can have real value, and that isn’t always intended in college admissions. We had the opportunity that worked out perfectly. We were very fortunate. I understand not everyone does. However, sometimes the opportunity is in places you may not think, and if approached slowly, may work out.</p>

7

<p>So, simply because the girl does not want to go away to college, it means that she has no self-assurance and lacks basic competence? (OP’s words).</p>

<p>Sorry, disagree. The great majority of people in the world do not go away to college (or even go to college at all), and somehow they develop basic competence.</p>

<p>My daughter never went to sleep-away camp, but somehow – at the age of 17 – went away to a college where she didn’t know a soul, made tons of friends, became involved in lots of activities, and even spent a semester abroad where she had to negotiate everything from classwork to transportation to resolving bureaucratic issues in a foreign language. </p>

<p>I think the girl in the other post doesn’t want to go away because she’s experiencing her first romantic relationship. If the boyfriend were going to the same college, I bet she’d have a lot of enthusiasm for this school.</p>

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<p>My first is going 900 miles away. Been to Germany alone as well as a number of other places. Travel will be fine, laundry fine, independence fine. My big concern: expiration dates on milk and other perishables. It’s always something.</p>

9

<p>I’m not sure if I should agree with you wholeheartedly, or succumb to guilt that my kids were quite unprepared for the “going away” experience. Turns out, it’s a little of both.</p>

<p>I tried to get my kids prepared. Going to sleep-away camps, maintaining a budget, keeping a calendar for assignments, doing their own laundry, and waking themselves up in the morning were some of those steps. But there’s something else I couldn’t prepare: they are homebodies. And as guys, they didn’t express being homesick, but I knew it. </p>

<p>My oldest had the HARDEST time being away, but I attribute some of that to his LD and struggles with Asperger’s. The paperwork alone (making sure he had all the requirements, for instance) was daunting for him. Transitions were difficult for all my kids, but I also think that’s a part of growing up. </p>

<p>Painful as it is, going away is good for them.</p>

10

<p>As someone went both to sleep away camp, went to college about 600 miles from home, and will be going to grad school about 1200 miles from home, I don’t see what’s wrong with wanting to go to college close to home and/or being anxious about leaving. Moving away from one’s family in big transition and sometimes, it’s not always the best one for everyone.</p>

<p>And some people, self included, just like familar places.</p>

11

<p>I agree that sleep-away camp is not in everyone’s budget, especially if the family has a few kids. </p>

<p>But, I do think that there are some things that parents should encourage throughout their children’s lives to “expand their comfort zones.”</p>

<p>I often would joke to my older son (who was quite shy) that it was my job to “expand my children’s comfort zones.” Along with sleepovers with friends, staying at Grandmas and cousins’ homes, and going to new places and experiencing some activities that he didn’t find immediately appealing were all part of the process.</p>

<p>He’s now a senior in college, does a very fine job presenting research to groups, actually has sung a few solos at a couple college events, getting ready to apply to grad schools, etc. </p>

<p>I contrast that to my SIL’s husband who never left his county and then had an anxiety attack when they left the area for their honeymoon and immediately had to come home. He’s never left his county since…and that was over 25 years ago!</p>

<p>I think it’s a parents job to expand their children’s comfort zones…whether it’s roller skating, playing a sport, listening to different music, hiking a mountain, visiting a different area of the state/country, tasting new foods, trying new hair styles, etc.</p>

<p>It pains me to see parents of children "giving in to whines of “no,” and not expecting their kids to try some new things, or parents who say, “Well, if he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to.” Gosh, with that attitude, how will the child ever learn that there are pleasant surprises out there in the world if you’ll just dip your toe in the water?</p>

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<p>Aside from cases of physical or pschological abuse, I feel that it is appropriate for parents/families to create their own paths. Different people have different goals. IMO it would be a boring world if we all had the same agendas, plans, parenting styles, etc.</p>

<p>I also think it may be hard for parents of an only child to appreciate the very significant differences between individual children within a family, which may impact child-rearing approaches. Believe me, the “tabula rasa” theory took a real beating as I got to know my second child, whose differences from my first make the difference in their sexes seem trivial.</p>

<p>My D has a goal to “explore every continent.” (She has three remaining.) She is very open to trying exotic foods and exploring different cultures. A year in which she has not been abroad makes her feel confined. </p>

<p>My S (the younger one) loves the local life. He so appreciates the small city community of his college that he refused to consider a semester abroad when the opportunity came up. When I told him that four years was a LONG time to spend in *one *place (his college town), he responded, “Mom, I spent 18 years in xxxxxx (our home town)!” He had a point. (H and I are, however, insisting that he do at least a J-term abroad.) He likes plain food and familiar things. He has been dating his first girlfriend for four years. They met in high school math class and band. (Had we had a girl his age living next door I would not have expected him to venture so far as the other side of town, where his GF’s family lives! ;)) Yet I am happy to report that these two chose very different colleges that aligned well with their own goals (he liberal arts/engineering, she veterinary science) so they did not undermine their own plans for the relationship.</p>

<p>Happiness is self-sufficent, and S is a kid who is very happy with what is in front of him. D, on the other hand, wants to see what is on the other side of the fence/ocean/world.</p>

<p>Both did go to some short-term summer special interest camps/programs (D several, S just one for a week during middle school that I recall; he worked locally each of the summers during high school) before college, but I am confident that if S had not, he would still have adjusted well to his college life. I did not feel it was something he “had” to do, because he takes everything in stride. He is simply very easygoing/mellow and does not have anxiety about anything. Frankly, I might argue that he learned more important things from having significant and responsible summer jobs than he would have from participating in most away programs. He could certainly learn how to handle money and travel arrangements locally (going from Philadelphia to NYC on his own on occasion, budgeting for his personal expenses since early high school, etc.) You don’t need to travel from London to Paris on your own in order to figure out how to use a train schedule.</p>

<p>Neither is necessarily better, IMO. Different strokes for different folks. De gustibus non est disputandum. Etc., etc., and so forth … ;)</p>

<p>edited to add:
S had two short-term summer residential experiences during his pre-college life, each lasting just one week. One was a science program several states away, the other a music camp instate. Still don’t think they made a big difference re his college adjustment.</p>

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<p>Different kids have different needs, different parents do differently, and it all works out just fine. My sister has 2 kids-- one was anxious for every chance at independence, the other never cared. The first lives and teaches abroad now, has a lovely family-- its all great. The second? He lives down the street, is a very successful fisherman, about to get married, and … well… it’s all great. Of course parents want to help their kids become independent, but I don’t see a need for harsh pushing. In fact the cases I know where kids really never did become independent tend to be cases where the parent pushed the kid away.</p>

<p>Haha, cross-posted with jyber-- great minds think alike.</p>

14

<p>^^^ Great approach m2ck. S2 also participates in an EC where his coach pushed his comfort zone, specifically presenting to judges, etc. It’s not his favorite, but was very helpful when he went to his first job interview. I can’t imagine if he’d never had that experience.</p>

<p>I would offer that any scholastic program (that I know of…) offers scholarship opportunities and if it’s something you do think would help your student, it may not be totally out of reach. There are also programs that are offered at top tier schools that are completely funded, or greatly reduced. It does take some looking, but they are out there.</p>

<p>It’s not for every student, or every family. Sometimes finances are not an obstacle.</p>

<p>Wow! I type really slow! I crossed posts GFairfax & jyber209. All great thoughts. There is no right answer, even within the same family!</p>

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<p>D1 used to have a friend in middle school who would threaten to throw up every time she slept over, and it would be after mid night. Her mom would tell me to let her throw up because she wasn’t going to pick her up. The first few times I would ask her mom if she is sure her daughter wasn’t really sick. I think in her mother’s own way, she was trying to teach her daughter to be independent. I, on the other hand, was up all night checking up on her daughter.</p>

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<p>Parents and Kids could take a lesson from bird life; [WildEarth.TV</a> … it’s in your nature. - wildearth.tv](<a href=“http://www.wildearth.tv/static/wildearth/channels/we_hornby_eagles.html]WildEarth.TV”>http://www.wildearth.tv/static/wildearth/channels/we_hornby_eagles.html).</p>

<p>the prospective parents build the nest, Mom lays the eggs, incubation, feeding and caring for the hatchlings, sheltering the babies at night and in increment weather, encouraging the fledge, and even continued training after the fledge.</p>

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<p>Jyber209 - we have parallel children! Child 1, DD went off to camp in another state by herself when she was in middle school, then off to other challenges in different states and countries each summer. She has been to Chile, Nicaragua, Armenia,Peru, Argentina, China, Taiwan, Turkey… well, you get the picture, and most of these opportunities she found for free or was even paid. She’s been living abroad now for two years. Same family, child 2; DS refused all offers of summer camps, trips abroad, extra activities and enjoyed his time around the neighborhood with friends and did not seek out opportunities away from home. His SOLE experience away from us, besides a few one-night sleepovers at friend’s houses, was ONE 5-day camp at the local university, about 15-minutes away from home which he didn’t particularly like. He didn’t enjoy being scheduled by someone else, and that one camp was it. When we went on vacation, we traveled together as a family and I made the arrangements. According to TheDad, that’s recipe for a kid to crash and burn in college. Ha!!!
Different kids have different temperaments and needs and desires at different stages in their lives. DS is a rising college senior, captain of his club sport team (which includes handling travel logistics for 18+ member team!), and headed out to college w/o any adjustment issues whatsoever. He’s outgoing, gregarious, mature, organized and pays all his bills on time. ;)</p>

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<p>Different families, different needs. I wouldn’t be too quick to fault a parent for not sending kids to camp or sleepovers or off to the grandparents’ houses. We had first generation immigrant families in our community that were not comfortable with the idea of letting their kids sleep over at others’ homes, even their kids’ school friends, mostly because the parents didn’t know the families and had a culture/language gap. These same kids didn’t have grandparents/cousins etc. where they could go stay over since the extended families were often back in the old country. I would say all of these kids turned out fine; sure the first few days/weeks/months of college must have felt strange since they had only ever been around their parents/siblings, but people have a remarkable ability to adapt.</p>

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<p>My interpretation of what TheDad is saying is, if you are a parent who is uncomfortable w/ or forbids your child being away from home in pre-college years (sleep-overs, away camp, school trips that are longer than a day, etc), do not be surprised if your college student has difficulty adapting to being away from home at colllege.</p>

<p>I don’t think he was judging parent who can’t afford over-night or away camps or trips abroad w/ a language club, etc. My take was that he was commenting/questioning more on an attitude of some parents. My expression would be over-protective. Do not over-protective parents sometime lead to children who have a difficult time being away from the parents? (Unless it is in an equally protective environment, for instance coming from a Latter Day Saints home to a Latter Day Saints college, ie BYU.)</p>

20

<p>i agree with theDad completely. coddling creates fearful children. parenthood is a gradual ‘letting go’ from day one. the whole point or measure of a good parent is how well u’ve prepared that child to survive/thrive without you. having the kid be dependent on u for everything is not good parenting. </p>

<p>the main point of what he was saying goes way beyond ‘sleepaway school’.</p>