<p>An interesting item from the NYT</p>
<p>What are these parents thinking! Our kids would be mortified if we hung around ...</p>
<p>you can find out what CC parents are thinking by reading this thread:</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/985366-students-welcome-college-parents-go-home.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/985366-students-welcome-college-parents-go-home.html</a></p>
<p>Thanks
Had not seen that</p>
<p>Still–WHAT are these parents thinking!!!</p>
<p>I don’t know about anyone else, but I am sensing a growing social pressure on parents to be emotional about separating with their young college children as a public proof of their love and devotion. I am becoming frustrated with comments from friends and family prescribing how upset I will or should be about “sending D so far from home.” First of all, they use the word “send” to imply that I have practically banished her from our home. What is being lost is that she is an independent 18 year old who WANTED to go to school there! So then when I don’t get all misty-eyed about it, they say something along the lines of “Oh, I would be a wreck if I were you. How can you be so calm?” and then some of them come close to implying I am cold or unloving. In a recent conversation, an anecdote was related to me in which the hero of the story was a mother who admitted to her friend that secretly she hoped her daughter wouldn’t be happy at her far-away college and would come home. THAT IS SICK, NOT ADMIRABLE!</p>
<p>I think that is a very astute observation - we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t ;)</p>
<p>I am feeling semi-guilty that I am enjoying the peace and quiet of my empty nest! You’re not supposed to admit that, I think.</p>
<p>Why can’t we revel in the next stage of our child’s development and growth into adulthood? Yes, it was sad when it actually happened, but I was also so excited for her! And I always knew that my child was on loan to me to raise to adulthood, then to let her lead her own life. I firmly believe that the best parent is the one that prepares their child for independence and totake on the world on their own. We won’t be around forever, and we need to let our kids be able to function as independent adults. That doesn’t mean we cut all ties - we are still there and we are still a family, but it IS their life, not ours.</p>
<p>While I MISS my D and her constant chatter around the house, I am so happy for her and her new life at college (without ME!) I am not a crying/weeping type, so I shed nary a tear upon separation. Her grandma and I helped her pile her belongings in the middle of her room, shared a hug and then took off to explore the city without D. I don’t get the “parents hanging around” thing either. I had my college experience 30 years ago and, while I envy all the fun D is having, it is her turn, not mine.</p>
<p>Isn’t this what we want for our kids. To be functioning independent adults! Really, I want smart, ambitious kids who want to be free. Isn’t that what I’ve worked for all these years. I love them enough to want them to be the best in their lives.</p>
<p>I’m with GFG, we are suppose to feel so bad about our kids going away. Esp. where I live now kids don’t go away to college or if they do they go an hour or two away. I am looked at as an oddity as my kids go to school, 7.5 and 12 hours away. I do miss them but they are getting a great education at schools that are great for them.</p>
<p>My H has a friend who has a profoundly autistic child. I remember when he was high school age his mom told me how proud they were of him. He was functional enough that he could live in a group home. They would be able to have a place for him once they were gone and they could also go on vacation and have somewhat of a life. I’ve never forgot that. </p>
<p>I thank my lucky stars and I’m not that sad. I miss them and love them. But I want and need to let go.</p>
<p>deb922, that’s interesting that you mention the contrast with the autistic child’s life. What I’ve told my mother and several other women who are expecting me to be so miserable, it that to me what would be truly sad would be if my D COULDN"T go to college because she wasn’t intellectually or emotionally capable. This is what she’s supposed to do and it’s exciting! Now maybe I understand this concept better because my youngest is disabled and may very well not be able to go to college. Of course I miss my grown kids, but I feel happy and proud of myself that I raised them to be self-sufficient.</p>
<p>Ok, We dropped our daughter off on a sunday, and immediatly took off for a much needed RR vacation. After the first week, orientation, and sorority rush, [no bids], and classes start today…she is texting me “She Hates This”!" UGH! Do I turn off my phone, delete Skype, or go on another vaca!!!</p>
<p>moser - all of the above. 
I bet when the classes start, she will be too busy to “hate it”.</p>
<p>Oh, moser253, what a hard position to be in. I suspect that she is taking the no bid sorority thing really hard. What a tough thing to go through. And the first week too! Just talk to her and hopefully things will get better.</p>
<p>Is the school highly greek. If not, hopefully she will deal with her disappointment and begin to meet people in her dorm.</p>
<p>Years ago when my parents droped me off (think early 80s)…they helped haul in the stuff that would fit in my car–and then when it was done…“got on the road” to the coast for a vacation at a beach island for a week before driving back home…
No hanging around, no last minute store runs, no help finding my meal card, ID, walking me around classes etc etc etc…</p>
<p>My kiddo (sr) will be ready to go–is already enjoying more and more independence–and we have been working on that for the last few years so that the big shock isn’t so “big”…
Kiddo was away a good part of the summer -living in a dorm and in a program on a campus.</p>
<p>Was it harder on kiddo or me? Definitley harder for me as the house was cleaner and quieter…however I did get to do some things for me and lost a few lbs! :rolleyes:</p>
<p>We want kiddo to be happy and confident with the launch!</p>
<p>moser; look for threads this time last year and the year before. Something about “emotional vomiting” I think.</p>
<p>Why must it be an either/or proposition? I feel like some comments in this thread suggest that if you are grieving the loss of your child moving out or away, or if have difficulty with the transition, that somehow you are not also excited, proud and reveling. Many parents probably feel all of these things. </p>
<p>Like most things in life that matter, the feelings that go with it are complex and sometimes ambivalent. Just because you grieve or have a hard time with the letting go doesn’t mean you are not also thrilled they are going or have not been encouraging it from day one.</p>
<p>Would I be like the parents in this article? Of course not. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to behave and I wish more parents would focus on what their children need than on what they need. However, I think in terms of emotions, a wide range of feelings are perfectly normal reactions in this context. </p>
<p>Moreover, none of us are in a position to judge the emotions others feel with regards to this important transition. Parents have different kinds of relationships with their children. They have different experiences as parents- stay at home, working, parenting styles. They have different family compositions- only children, single parents, the fourth of five kids. And they may have their own issues with grief from the past if they’ve lived to middle age. There are also tremendous cultural differences and expectations (no one expects their kids to cut loose and move far away like Americans do). So much goes into it. I think its judgmental and simplistic for us to say someone isn’t emotional enough or someone is too emotional. It’s no one’s business.</p>
<p>^
You are right that we probably all feel a wide range of emotions–
however I think the behaviors and issues the colleges must be addressing now are about unhealthy, enmeshed parents…where they have lost sight of the boundaries…
healthy letting go do not include hanging around campus “just in case” and the need for the Admistration to have formal Goddbyes…
This is a new weird phenom.</p>
<p>moser – Hang in there!
God, I hate the idea that they rush first thing.</p>
<p>Good post, starbright. While it’s natural to feel a range of feelings at this time of separation, I believe we can rein in emotions that lead to unhealthy behavior and chose not to nurture them. Despite the fact that a mother may want to text her D 30 times a day during the first week at college, as a mature adult she should be able to restrain herself. Also, the mother who found herself secretly hoping her D would be unhappy and return home, should have given herself a severe talking to and changed her self-talk to something more on the lines of “I love my D and therefore want her to be happy whether or not her life path keeps her near me or not. This is an exciting opportunity for my D and I WILL rejoice in it!” I think that instead, parents are wearing their sadness like a badge of honor–the badge says “See how much I love my kid and how close I was to him/her? So close that I’m really struggling letting go.” This is unfair to the child who already has to adapt to a whole new life. S/he shouldn’t have to worry how mom and dad are holding up or fight guilt about leaving them! Sorry, but that is selfish behavior on the parents’ part regardless of how they feel.</p>
<p>I am less judgemental than I used to be about parents who go crazy and struggle when the kids leave home. I have come to terms with the reality that not every kid is ready for the independence of college; some of these parents are right to be highly concerned; not every kid is going to make mistakes and gradually figure things out like mine did or like GFG’s kids.</p>
<p>I have seen too many crash and burns of late. Face it- there are kids who for whatever reason- LD’s, spectrum disorders, chemical dependency, other addictive behaviors-- you name it- just are not ready for the level of independence required to make a successful transition to college.</p>
<p>So I am sympathetic to the parents who suffer. Some of them know in their gut that there are tough times ahead.</p>