Very bad essay... Need to know how to improvise it..

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>I wrote this essay not too long ago and I think this is like 2/6 essay. I've been in pretty bad shape after the essay in January SAT. I thought I was a good writer in essays (scores like 10-11) but 9/12 was shocking. So, I'm trying to find a new method to do, and well, it's not going that well.</p>

<p>I've been using 3-paragraph classic method but it seems like doing this way prevents me from going really detailed. Maybe I should focus on 2-paragraph? I don't know.</p>

<p>Anyway, enough of introduction. Here's a horrible essay and I wonder if you guys can give me feedbacks on how you can fix this to a great essay. I think that'll help me to remember what to do next time. For some reason, I couldn't think on this prompt >_<.</p>

<p>Prompt: Do people learn who they are only when they are forced into action?</p>

<p>Essay</p>

<p>During person's life time, there is fifty-percent chance of getting chancer for male and thirty-three-percent chance of getting cancer for female. Cancer happens to be just one of many dangers in the life, and some people bluntly argue that people only realize more about themselves after the disastrous events. I denounce such argument because some people naturally know what they want to do even without the catastrophe. In fact, it is catastrophe that destroys someone before he or she gets to know about his or her potential.</p>

<p>Regarded as history's famous environmentalist and philosopher, Henry David Thoreau never really faced a hardship that directed him into actions. Thoreau had a strong belif of simplifying the life and understanding the true potential of it. He disliked mail and news because those things make life more complex than it should be. As a result, he decided to live in seclusion in Walden, or a forest in his friend Emerson's land. People criticized Thoreau as a hermit who probably suffered from unknown torment that led to his solitary life. But, this could not be true because he didn't criticize humans or become cynical about the world. Not only did he enjoy the life at Walden, but also he stayed in the place for a long period of time. People like Thoreau knew what they wanted to find in the life, and to them, they were not forced into action. Rather, they push action to their direction.</p>

<p>In some perspective, Walden appears as a simple journal of plants and animals surrounding Thoreau. But along with Emerson's books, Walden was a pivotal pointer to understand about life. Physical desire in money, fame, or power oversimplified the life, and therefore, prevented theman from learning about themselves. The whole book based on idea of simplifying.</p>

<p>Challenges are not what propel people to know about themselves.</p>

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<p>I think you need to learn to say EXACTLY what you mean for your opening paragraph, which is your thesis, with unmistakable clarity that it's your thesis. Then support it with your illustrative points. </p>

<p>You open with an attention-getter, the cancer statistics, but then you need to TELL me what exactly what I'm supposed to surmise, infer or understand after I've read those facts. Otherwise, why did I bother my brain reading them? </p>

<p>So, your next 1-2 sentences MUST be where you state your thesis, in language as clear as a bell (I went through and picked the bare bones of your first para to produce these 2 sentences for your thesis):</p>

<p>"Although many say they grew and realized more about themselves following such a disastrous event, I denounce this claim. I believe, instead, that most people naturally know what they want to do, even without any catastrophe."</p>

<p>(Now, stop and realize: THAT's your thesis. You have the rest of the essay to select worthwhile examples THAT PROVE your claim, your thesis, your position.)</p>

<p>Delete and save that final sentence of your paragraph 1 ("In fact, it is catastrophe....her potential") -- might use it later as an example, but here it's just confusing me. That first para shouldn't be a back-and-forth debate. Get me, the reader, to understand and COMMIT to your thesis, at least enough to read on to see if you can strengthen my agreement with you by your selected examples. </p>

<p>OKay, so now move on to Thoreau. He's your first example, and a GOOD one, of someone who decided, without benefit of catastrophy, to make changes in his life. GREAT topic/opening sentence there to start your para, so leave it as is. And, reading through the para, I don't think I'd change it much.
You describe it, have details, and tie it back to your thesis. I'm with you, yes, this guy had nothing bad happen to him, and yet he brought change onto his own uncatastrophic life, and wrote a book about it.</p>

<p>Problem is --- I'm not convinced yet!! You've got this one guy and one book, against all those people who get cancer and changed their lives?
You haven't won your own debate (yet).</p>

<p>So, delete your whole para ("In some perspective...simplifying") because all you're doing is telling me morre about that one book. </p>

<p>Now, pick another example. It can be from literature, history, science or personal experience...but it shouldn't be off the top of your head and what YOU think right here. (which is what you're doing when you yak about "Physical desire...learning about themselves.") That's your opinion, not an example. YOUR opinions arent' evidence to prove your thesis. Think of yourself on the witness stand, and with humility, the opinions of a 16 year old haven't quite got the weight of the examples from history! Personal EXPERIENCE is eligible, but not personal opinions, to serve as an example for these SAT essays. (It's just their rules, I'm not disrespecting you!)</p>

<p>Hm. So another example where self-knowledge came but without following some action or catastrophe... how about (from history) the Canadians who gained independence from Britain through evolution, not a revolutionary war as the Americans did; or the dawning realization of American women to improve their educational levels (even though there was no single catastrophic event in history such as an assasination to inspire them to strive upward). Or, pick an example from your personal experience. For example, if you KNOW someone who had the experience of no big change in lifestyle after a catastrophic illness, for these SAT essays it could be an example. Tell it like a story, instead of just saying the ideas. ("For example, one of our neighbors recovered from a heart attack. My Mom commented, after visiting him in hospital, that he asked her for a cigarette. Even though he had just dodged death, he did not revise his actions for better health.") That way you're providing and interpreting an example from your personal experience, which is not the same as just giving your personal opinions of stuff.<br>
After you have given 2 or 3 good examples and made thoughtful points and interpreations about them relating back to the original thesis, you're ready to conclude in a final para. Your current final para is good, b/c it concludes all the points but says it in different language. Here's how I sometimes "test" the conclusion. GO back, read the thesis (as I wrote it here in my reply, not as youhave it muddled in your original). Now, read the conclusion. If you can draw a direct line between those two, and they both say the same thing but in different words, then you're okay. If you examples were good in-between them, you'll believe the conclusion a lot more than when you read the thesis, because you've persuaded the reader with the examples. </p>

<p>(Does that help? Hope so.)</p>

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<p>I meant to pick back up that interesting line you wrote at the end of your first para, "In fact, it is catastrophe that destroys someone before he or she gets to know about his or her potential." That would be a very powerful para if it came just above your final conclusion, because it is still part of your original claim but just pushes it up to the most extreme. Once you say it, though, you have to defend it with an example.
So, if you want, you could use it as a topic sentence for a second-to-last para, and see then flesh it out with an example, such as, "Shakespeare's fragile character Ophelia presents a tragic situation to Hamlet. She goes insane before their love can develop completely." (and now tie it back to your thesis...) "Although this extreme example portrays lost love between two young people, it moves people of all ages because it shows how she never realized her potential. The catastrophe of her madness kept her from ever discovering who she might be with Hamlet. THe devastation of losing her, unfortunately, did not cause Hamlet to change or redirect in meaningful ways; rather, he continued on his same self-destructive path. Clearly,
catastrophe did not bring about positive change for either of them, but clipped their wings in a tragic ending.</p>

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<p>Also look at the threads from this week on this site called "please grade my essay" because there are some good tips here and there that might help out.</p>

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<p>LONGER....intro should be 3 sentences...MAX 4...conclusion should be 3
then there should be 3 paragraphs..one literary example (or two) and one history example (or two)....the three examples should be a compilation of the two....know the authors and titles of each and include them in the first (topic sentence) sentence of each paragraph and paraphrase in last sentence...try to use good vocab words but dont over do it</p>

<p>thats some REALLY BASIC advice</p>

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<p>Wow, thanks for the feedbacks!</p>

<p>I have few comments to those kind responses. I didn't realize that I like to ramble in the introduction. I need to watch out for that. Also, I know that cancer statistics was an attempt to be an attention-getter but I knew that there are better ones out there. How do you guys find a great attention hooker? I mean, that's what gets reader to say, "Hey I want to read this essay more."</p>

<p>I was running out of time for the second one. I couldn't think of any example other than Thoreau, and I remember that someone said that they scored 12 with one example (except with detailed investigation) and I was trying to emulate that. But yeah, 2 or 3 examples will be better but then I need to be able to think better for issues.</p>

<p>Conclusion is almost ALWAYS my weakest point. I can't seem to find strong paragraph that makes writer say, "That was a good essay. I'm CONVINCED!" Any idea? Thank you!!!</p>

<p>Sorry for long response.. :-D</p>

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<p>On the conclusion paragraph, (I could be wrong, so please check your SAT prep books on this in case they speak on it) but I had the impression that if you select relevant supporting examples and connect them well when you do them one-by-one, that IS your best way to convince.
Imagine, for example, you were selling a vacuum cleaner to somebody. You'd say, "Vac cleaners are essential to home cleanliness.' (your thesis)
THen you'd go into all the features, but choose 3 to focus on. You might choose a moving part (example #1) that proves (why you chose the example) the machine's engineering quality; then a feature on the handle angle (example #2) that doesn't wear you out (why you chose the example), and the warranty (example #3) that proves the company's belief in its product so it won't always break (why you chose this example).</p>

<p>At that point, if you "sold" you case to them through the features, your work is almost done. You wouldn't just present no features but jump up and down and say, "it's great, really the best, you'll be so glad you went with my product" because it hadn't been backed up.</p>

<p>So, the conclusion just restates it the thesis, but in a calm-assertive tone (ever see the show "Dog Whisperer"?). You'd be going back to the idea of "hygiene in the household" somehow.</p>

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<p>and actually the cancer stat was already a very good attention grabber. My problem with it was you didn't link it logically to the thesis.
So if I know there's cancer out there....you needed to say, without all the distraction, what the existence of cancer meant in terms of people not making basic changes, even when they have it, which obviously many do since it's such big percentages.
My professor used to tell me to go through my essay, using the "So What" test. Read every sentence and then ask yourself, "so what?" If it doesn't make a point or add to your case, then it might be interesting but it doesn't belong in there.
So, read the cancer stat sentence (fine first sentence) and then ask, "So what?" So, people get cancer..what does that show about people not needing catastrophic events to make big changes. I'm not even sure I can link it, but since you chose it, you should be able to make the link. Otherwise you might have just as well said "anything." Surely you had a reason for choosing it. Just write the connection better between your open attention-grabber and that clearly-stated thesis.
You're gettting there. Keep practicing with some other prompts, how you'd approach them.
You asked for where to get those creative openings? Well, start paying attention to stories, family events (funny or sad), read or listen to the news, watch the History CHannel. Even read the cartoons, editorials and letters-to-the-editor to start gathering up all kinds of brief stories that you find you remember. Wake up your ears, in other words, to all the crazy things that jump out of the news. Even read those little feature stories, usually veryshort, on the national news websites...Lady save 86 cats from a fire and says..."x" or whatever you find wonderful, ironic, amazing in this life will stick in your head. Keep a memo pad and write them down, just b/c it'll sensitize you to all the weird/wild "facts" out there. Then, when you need one, you'll have a repertoire of them in your head and one will pop out as having some connection.
If that sounds nuts to you (because it's a strong area in our family, we're creative, but we're bad with math and more focussed things) then you may have a way that better suits your personality to collect interesting facts.
If you have a deeper knowledge of a scinece, fro example, there would be all kinds of things that could catch MY attention. "The glow-worm, which spins 1,000 nests each month" might start out a response about the importance of making a home or finding security in this world. "Ants march on each others' backs and use their shed extoskeletons (??) to make ladders for each other to new food sources." That could open up an essay about community cooperation, or the quest for survival.
If you have nutty relatives or a sibling, they're often good for kick-off stories as well. "I don't want to go inside, " my sister declared angrily as I watched her get drenched from the rain." This might start an essay about taking responsibility, or why it's important to convince others of their well-being, or a much larger topic than your little sister. But it's an attention-grabber, not a great one, but it eases you into the harder essay topic.
If it's too forced, just don't. But if something comes to you, I always start off an essay liek that. It's sometimes hard to just instantly think of one, though, under timed test pressure! So, about these "attention grabbing devices" for opening sentences, if you blank and can't think of one for that momenmt, don't despair. Remember they do have to read your SAT Writing paragraph all the way through.
Yet, by the time you do the college essay, you'll have had more time to collect stories, and those don't have to be written under pressure. If you know this about yourself, you'd SURELY not leave yours til the last minute deadline.<br>
(Sorry to be so long, i keep getting interrupted.)</p>

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<p>Learning to turn a prompt into a thesis, then thinking of 2-3 good examples and why they support it, plus possibly starting with an attention-grabbing opening sentence are all skills. Just practice between now and your real test. Practice. Get other prompt books and outline them. The more you do it, the more you;ll find a few areas of history, literature, or science that you find useful and flexible. For example, my son learned all about Henry Ford and the assembly line...watched History channel and some other books. He could often manage to use some aspect of that biography to relate to an SAt question. It illustrated so many things, and could support several different thesis first-paragraphs. He could use something about Henry Ford to illsutrate: desire of people for material comfort (themes on delayed or immediate gratitificaiton...); assembly line (..ah, the anonymous individual!); etc. If you become a kind of expert on a particular historical figure's biography, a scientific discovery or plant/animal species, or some main characters from great novels, then you can keep practicing with those same menu of your repertoire, for various prompts. In that way, writing, like other SAT tests, benefits from practice, learn-by-doing this skill of translating a prompt into a thesis; summon up examples to support it in your mind; get alert to stories or expertise knowledge from history/science to be dependable source for attn=-grab openers. If you have all that, honestly, the conclusion is the least important (for SAT-I) b/c they know it's timed. If you had to fall down somewhere, fall down on the conclusion rather than the main body.
Best of all, however, watch your watch and leave yourself 5 minutes to conclude, reread, edit by making a few word changes. Look for ordinary, weak words ("get" is often a culprit) try to be more precise, just a quick pen-change on one word can help a lot. For example, change "Thoreau wanted to go where he could get privacy" to "...where he could (FIND, EXPERIENCE or ENJOY) privacy. If you have a word in there like "big" you surely can find a more interesting one to subsittute.
I see a poster above me says 4-sentence conclusion, but I've heard 1-3 sentences is fine as long as the stuff above it is SOLID. "You just restate your thesis in different words" said another poster, which sounds like what I've read. Anyone else?? If anyone has a formal SAT-I tutor who knows for sure, then chime in. Meanwhile, I've heard 1-3 sentence conclusions and that it's the least importatn element of all (in THIS essay, b/c they know it's timed, so they won't kill you for points over it).</p>

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<p>Thanks a lot!</p>

<p>As far as your 5-minute thing for revising, etc, it's pretty hard for me because I'm a slow writer. I mean, there ARE times that I finish with 2-3 minutes left over but most of times, I just barely finish my conclusion (That's how it was in Jan. SAT). Some people suggested cursive writing but I'm very bad at it and I can't seem to focus when I write in cursive (seems like I'm drawing some pictures lol).</p>

<p>Maybe I should cut down my time to think..?</p>

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<p>I also liked your cancer statistic but I found some grammar to be a little distracting. If you fix your syntax(avoid awkward arranging) and grammar you can make your essay sound very solid even if you don'y fully convey a central idea. But most of the time when you fix those aspects your focus gets better anyway.. some tips to improve structure : read, read, read! true it's cliche but it actually works in some subcoscious way</p>

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<p>how are you at speed-printing?<br>
It's absolutely faster than cursive, without all those linking loops.
Nobody cares about whether it's in cursive; only that it be legible.</p>

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<p>What do you mean by speed-printing? Printing fast so that your hand starts to get hurt? :-P</p>