Very worried about daughter

Parent Cafe
1

For the past year D1 has been struggling with various chronic health issues and as a result has had to miss school for doctor’s appointments and illness. Last semester she really struggled with keeping up with work because some of her teachers were getting angry with her and yelling at her in front of her classmates. She’s always been kinda sensitive and eager to please so being talked to like that made her very anxious. Her teachers would give her a hard time for going to the nurse and talk badly about her behind her back, among other things. Throughout all this the administration has not been supportive at all. They’ve been manipulative and tried to control what she says. The administration has also taken the side of the teachers and refused to believe that they would ever behave unprofessionally. However despite all this she rallied and was able to finish her first semester successfully. Second semester she was doing much better and she made up work in a much more timely fashion. When she had a college visit she did her tests and quizzes in advance and did a good job communicating with the teachers. I really thought things were looking up.

Last year (her junior year) the administration made her go on a medical leave of absence and throughout this entire year they’ve been threatening that again. Well about a month ago they finally followed through on their threat :frowning: They said she had missed too many days in school, most of which were for doctor’s appointments. This was incredibly upsetting as she was not behind on any work and had mostly A’s. They told her that she could still graduate if she completed her two English classes via email with her teachers. Since this happened my daughter has been incredibly depressed. She rarely gets up and she cries every day. She says things like, “I don’t feel like myself anymore.” and “What’s the point of school?” She has not completed any of her school work for her English classes and has not communicated with the teachers. She says that whenever she thinks about school she becomes even more depressed and so right now she is trying to block it out and pretend like it didn’t happen. D1 very much thrives on structure and social interaction and now she has neither. She doesn’t talk to her friends because she feels embarrassed and doesn’t want to burden them with her problems. I’m very concerned that she won’t be able to complete her English classes and that she won’t be able to graduate.

DD is a very smart girl and she is very excited about college. She has literally been looking forward to going to college since elementary school. She has always loved school and learning so this is completely crushing for her. I’ve offered to enroll in the local public school for the last month so that she can at least finish her classes. I really don’t want to have to do this though because I want her to be able to graduate with her friends. I’m also worried that she will feel more isolated because she knows no one at the public school and she wouldn’t have anyone to even eat lunch with there.

My number one concern however is her mental health. This has been a very rough year for her. She’s been very ill, she moved for the first time after me and her father divorced, one of her good friends tried to kill herself, and she was molested by one of her physicians. Despite all this she has maintained a happy positive outlook until she was removed from school. I’m really worried because this is so much for a teenager (or anyone) to cope with.

I’m sorry that this post is so long, but if you’ve read all the way to the end thank you. I am at a complete loss and really need an outside perspective.

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You don’t mention whether she has been seeing a counselor or therapist. That’s absolutely the most important thing here. Is she seeing someone?

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@suzy100 She has an AWESOME therapist who has been very involved in what’s been happening. Her therapist has put us in touch with a disability advocate (DD is legally disabled) and she has written letters to the school on our behalf.

4

Wow. So sorry to hear this awful turn of events. The school district is acting terribly. If I were you, I’d sue the pants off of the district. She is entitled to a FAPE – free and appropriate public education – under section 504 of the federal Rehabilitation Act of 1973.
http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/edlite-FAPE504.html
Depending what state you are in, there could also be additional violations.

eta: Just noticed that you are in Mass. Obviously I have no idea what the law is there (I am not a lawyer), but Mass is a progressive state, and I imagine that they have strong protections.

5

Goodness…is there some sort of state funding rule they are trying to avoid by pushing her out? They lose funding when she’s not there, so maybe there is a threshold where it benefits the school to push her out?

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@brantly Unfortunately the school is private and receives no funding from the government. We’ve talked to her disability advocate, the school’s lawyer, and the person in charge of special education for the school district and it seems like what her school did is legal :frowning: I’m honestly stunned by the lack of protection for disabled and special needs children in private schools.

@HRSMom I don’t think so. As mentioned above her school receives neither state nor federal aid. Her therapist thought it could be a protection against liability, but DD has doctor’s notes saying she should and can be in school?

7

Is switching schools not an option?

8

What does the school’s handbook say on the topic of medical absences?

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@thshadow This is the end of her senior year. If she switches to a different school now she’ll have to graduate without her friends and she’ll be at a school where she knows absolutely no one.

@mathyone I’m not sure. I don’t have a copy of the handbook and it’s not available on the school’s website. According to my communication with the administration students may have five excused absences. DD did pass this, but they were all for medical issues and she made up her work in a timely fashion. DD also says that she knows another girl who has missed more days than her (not for medical reasons) and is still in school.

10

Does your daughter go to my school? That sounds very familiar. Anyway…

If I told someone about serious problems in my life and their first reaction was to feel burdened, I’d question whether I was choosing the right friends. I don’t know her friends, but if they’re like most people they’d hate nothing more than for your D to suffer in silence when they could’ve helped.

As for the core issue: it may be that sunlight is the best disinfectant in this case. The school is happy to treat your daughter like a second-class citizen when everything is private; what would they do if the next issue of a local paper read “XXXX School suspends straight-A student due to disability?” Is her disability advocate in contact with higher levels of an organization (city/statewide)? That’s another way to prove there is such a thing as bad press.

Your daughter is what Supreme Court lawyers might call a “model plaintiff.” She did her due diligence, earned straight A’s, came to an agreement with teachers to complete work in her own time when she wasn’t in school, etc. The school appears to have made a choice that benefits nobody, out of muleheaded adherence to the rules or because an administrator spilled coffee on his/her lap and decided to ruin someone else’s day. That puts you in a much stronger position than a string of D’s and discipline issues would. If this story is widely publicized, there’s no way it’ll be good PR for the school. You should make them aware of that fact.

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Perhaps your D should ask this girl for advice on dealing with the administration. The girl may know if there’s a particular person to speak to, or she may have an “in.” Maybe her parents are connected and could intervene in this case. At the very least, knowing more about the situation allows you to point out that another student has been offered accommodations above and beyond what your D was allowed.

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Teachers yelling at her and and talking about her behind her back at her private school? If that is true, why oh why would she want to go back there? I’m curious as to how she knows that teachers are talking about her behind her back? Did she overhear something?

Also, you kind of stuck in molested by her physician there right at the end. That seems big to me. What is going on there?

If she is a senior, she has already applied to and been accepted to college? Does she still want to go? Has she considered taking a year off between high school and college? There are some things to work through here.

Most important is the mental health of your daughter. If she can finish her classes and graduate, that would be ideal, of course.

But if she is not able to do the required class work for graduation right now because of illness, physical or mental, then okay, time for a new plan.

Can she finish up her class work later and get the high school degree?

Have you talked to her about the option of graduating later if she can’t cope with doing the work right now to finish up the requirements for graduation?

I know very little about these things, just trying to figure out what the options are.

Going to a new school for one month doesn’t seem like a good idea under the circumstances.

Don’t lose hope. You will get through this. My instinct is to not force the graduating on time issue, but you are the one dealing with this, so you’ll have to go with what you believe is best.

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She needs to finish the work and graduate. The school is in control and it has set out the requirements. It may seem like the school and teachers are being mean, but it is probably very disruptive to have a student constantly missing class and having to make up the work. It is a private school, and can set its own rules. Your daughter is entitled to a free and appropriate education, but not at this school.

Just have her finish. It’s a lot of work. It’s hard. It’s the only way to get to college.

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Without wishing to sound heartless about your D, I have to agree with twoinanddone, above. You seem to have no recourse at the private school. (This could be a whole new thread, but I have heard of many similar things at private schools, and though public schools aren’t perfect, at least it’s harder for them to get away with these kinds of shenanigans.) If she is a senior she has no choice but to finish up. Can her therapist stress to her how important it is?

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Private schools without government funding are not covered under Section 504 or IDEA but are still covered under the 1992 Americans with Disabilities Act.

http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/hq9805.html
II. Public Accommodations

  • Public accommodations such as restaurants, hotels, theaters, doctors’ offices, pharmacies, retail stores, museums, libraries, parks, PRIVATE SCHOOLS, and day care centers, may not discriminate on the basis of disability, effective January 26, 1992. Private clubs and religious organizations are exempt.
  • Reasonable changes in policies, practices, and procedures must be made to avoid discrimination.
  • Auxiliary aids and services must be provided to individuals with vision or hearing impairments or other individuals with disabilities so that they can have an equal opportunity to participate or benefit, unless an undue burden would result.
  • Individuals may bring private lawsuits to obtain court orders to stop discrimination, but money damages cannot be awarded.
  • Individuals can also file complaints with the Attorney General who may file lawsuits to stop discrimination and obtain money damages and penalties.
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While you’re right to focus on her mental health, you’re also glossing over some huge issues, such as the molestation. I’m glad to see that she is in counseling-she certainly needs it. Here was our experience with a private school over a non-related issue: They’re private, they can do what they want, when they want and how they want. If you’re unhappy, vote with your feet and leave-there’s the door. And that is what we did, mid-year, mid-middle school. We have never looked back.

It’s harder for you since you’re so close to the end of the year. But seriously, your D needs to work with her therapist on the depression-that comes FIRST. THEN, she can address her school work. THEN, she can work on graduating. I know some kids who graduated privately after the school year ended once they got missing work done. They still graduated. That’s what mattered. Whether they were with their friends was less important. And finally THEN you can talk about college. You don’t mention if she was accepted anywhere or whether she’s physically healthy enough to go. Mentally, as of right now, I’d say she’s not.

I also wonder why your D-or is it you-are so intent on getting back to a school where your D was so mistreated. Just get it over with, public, online, whatever works. But first, get on the depression. it’s clouding everything else. And I’d bet that the molestation had something to do with it.

Good luck. I’d have a sit down with the therapist and brainstorm how to proceed. But I wouldn’t think her going back to this private school is at the top of the list.

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In Massachusetts, call the Federation for Children with Special Needs. Also the federal Dept. of Education, Office for Civil Rights can be extremely helpful. You can find numbers online. Just call. The latter will come to the school to “educate” them so you don’t have to file a formal complaint.

I had two kids requiring accommodations in high school. Publics, but I did have to consult with the organizations/agencies above and, once, for an hour a lawyer, not for complaints but for ideas.

Tutors wouldn’t really work because the timing of their arrival might not coincide with the best time for my child in a given day. We saw the lawyer for suggestions on how to handle her in and out pattern with school. We made a sheet with headings such as “homework assigned,” “work done in class today”, “tests or quizzes,” “missing grades” and any class materials, notes or even tests were attached to the sheet. The teachers filled this sheet out whether she was there or not so they didn’t have to notice. I picked it up at the school at the end of the day. This way, my kid could go up for a class, come home, go up for two classes and so on. We also arranged for continuation of extracurriculars like music whether my child attended that day or not, for the purpose of social development.

My other kid left senior year by choice, not for reasons of health, but due to an extracurricular performance area that she was pursuing. She got a GED and then a diploma later from an outfit that collects credits on paper, has a few requirements in addition to the usual ones she already had, and then gives a ciploma by mail. Not a mill.
There are other organizations, used for homeschooling for instance, as well as dual enrollment options at community college, which this child made us of as well.

There are several ways to go with this situation, but some of them needed to happen earlier for her to stay with her class. i’ll pm you and will add a little more later.

18

It is May of senior year. Presumably, she has weeks left of school. If they are giving her a path to graduation, take it and get her out of that place. Is she being allowed to participate in senior activities such as prom and graduation? Work to give her a different perspective.

Unfortunately, their behavior is not unusual with the private prep schools where my children were involved. We found big, suburban, strong public schools to be much, much, much better choices in dealing with illness, disability and diversity. I also do not find it unusual that students are treated differently. Is the other student absent for medical reasons or were they a one-time thing, like two deaths in the family, an extended family trip for an overseas emergency or several days off to deal with a special opportunity? The school may see illness as more of a problem because it implies ongoing absences. The other considerations are the other family’s status in the school and the possibility that the other student has ongoing absences for an activity that the school supports (a competitive individualized sport or some talent the student has).

I would also advise you to choose a college carefully and put any accommodations in place with the disabilities office before the student arrives on campus. One of my kids had recurring absences and illness and chose a small, top, liberal arts college. They dealt with illness very, very well. Another of my children has a learning disability and is at a competitive, private big university. They have given minimal accommodations and advising has been poor. I attended a large, state university and class attendance was not a big factor in grading although a student who just stops attending classes would have a hard time making it through exams. It was also really easy to go part-time or withdraw from semesters and maybe graduate in 6+ years. On the other hand, my kid’s small, liberal arts college had much stricter guidelines on how long students could take to graduate. Look into these things before she goes to college.

19

Just to clarify that accommodations cannot pose an undue financial or administrative burden or substantially change the program. I believe that in a caring environment, the program we had with our public schools, with the daily sheet, would work in your daughter’s school. Were her absences really for MD appointments? Does her school go from 9-5? That is a problem right there.

It sounds, though, as if the school has offered her a way to graduate, that she is not doing. Maybe a conversation with a school staff person could help her.

Is there a way to include her in any school programs or activities so that she is still in touch with classmates, even if she is on leave? If public schools can be flexible on that (and out of kindness, really, in our case) I don’t see why they couldn’t find a way at a private. Can she be included in senior and graduation activities?

Is there any way she can attend the final month, with some accommodations if needed?

Some kids don’t care about social stuff but your daughter does. It seems important for her closure to be again part of her class. Has anyone told her that she can be part of the class activities even if she hasn’t yet finished the English classes? Has she had a personal meeting with the principal, face to face, about the emotional side to this?

Is your daughter on medication? A small amount of an SSRI might get her over the bump at least enough to do the graduation requirements. She can continue counseling of course. Yoga and Tai Chi can be surprisingly helpful for some.

It is not clear if she is accepted to college. At the college level, have her register with the office for disabilities and set up someone at health services. Make sure to get tuition refund insurance. Research and think about accommodations that would help her (excused absences, single room, extensions on papers, postponements of tests, notes from class, etc.) and have an MD sign in- you can write it yourself and just have the MD or psychiatrist or therapist or whatever professional sign it.

What is the actual trigger for your daughter’s depression or is it the whole shebang? If she is affected by a friend’s suicide make sure SHE is safe. Please! Not sure what happened with the MD but not good.

Please try to lessen whatever bitterness she feels against the school. We used the term “institutional behavior” so as to avoid personalizing it. The school is like an organism: it is protecting itself. If the school has a clear path from you on how to proceed and can feel safe working with you, maybe they will budge on some things. If the school doesn’t budge, and you have done all you can, show your daughter that all these troubles are like a necklace around her neck, then take it off. Physically. Just let it go and move on.

PM me if you would like to keep in touch.

20

Are you certain that the private school accepts no federal funds in the form of program assistance? If they do, then the OCR in Boston will help, otherwise the OCR has no legal authority in a private school.

Do you have a clear understanding of the amount of work in the English classes that is expected to be completed via email? If so, and your daughter can manage it, agree to this solution.

If the private school is a religious one, then it does not have to comply with ADA requirements. If it is not, the only thing it must comply with is a reasonable accommodation. The offer of graduation with completion of courses via email is what the school feels is reasonable. With only 1 month left, it may be best to accept this offer.

I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.