<p>H & I were recently having dinner with another couple with a college bound D. When the D mentioned that she knew now that her parents had strongly disliked one of the colleges she applied to (but ultimately chose not to attend), they countered with, "Well, we always had veto power". The girl seemed somewhat shocked to hear about this... luckily for everyone, it never had to be enacted.</p>
<p>We were not sure how we felt about this. On our S's current list (he is a rising senior) is one school that we think would be a complete disaster, but we haven't said anything, in hopes that he will figure out for himself that is would be a bad choice. But it does raise the question about such veto power. I am curious to hear how others weigh in on this issue.</p>
<p>You know your child almost as well as he knows himself. It's reasonable that you would have a very good finger on the pulse of where he belongs or doesn't. As far as finances, there's a thread currently running about a student who begged and pleaded to go somewhere her parents couldn't afford, and they are now all suffering as a result.</p>
<p>So yes, I think there should be some credence to what a parent thinks and has to say.</p>
<p>Unless he pays for it or signs on for loans entirely on his own.</p>
<p>I agree that unless the student is paying for college without the help of their parents, the parents have veto power. Why should parents be expected to spend their hard earned money for a college that they don't want their kid to attend for whatever reason?</p>
<p>I absolutely think parents who are paying should have veto power for certain reasons. This doesn't include schools that are rivals to one's own alma mater (our D just graduated from the "wrong" school, but we love her anyway!). Legitimate reasons would include finances, religious beliefs, and reluctance to pay for a dumbed-down party school or other obvious mis-match with the family value system.</p>
<p>I have a slightly different take on this. In our family, we as parents assume the right to veto a college during the process of building a list. But once the list is set, we have a voice, but not a veto. The choice is up to the kid. I think that, unless financial aid is an issue, it’s unfair to allow a kid to apply to a college, then say no, you can’t go there. Better to make the decision beforehand that a particular college is off the table.</p>
<p>I think that most kids eventually realize that schools are not for them. And that kids, not parents, are more often the ones pulling schools off the table. Every one of my friends has visited a school that, upon pulling onto the campus, lost all appeal. Three of these friends refused to even get out of the car.</p>
<p>If a parent really has objections, I think that they should be voiced gently (ie are you sure that a big/small school is going to be the best fit). In financial situations, however, it is best to be realistic as early as possible to avoid disappointment later.</p>
<p>More often, though, I think that parents force their children to pick the school they like rather than the to eschew the school that they dislike. Often it's an issue of prestige, making a kid who loves Brown to go Harvard or refusing to allow a kid to attend a state school that they love (NC State and Penn, for example) because it isn't 'good enough'.</p>
<p>I think those situations are more worrisome.</p>
<p>Luckily, we never had to exercise veto power. Our D's friend got into Harvard and Boston College. The whole family went to Harvard, as the baby she was expected to go to Harvard also. She wanted to go to BC, but decided on Harvard. The college counselor questioned her decision, which made her parents upset. Now, a few weeks before school starts, she has decided to take a year off. I wonder what will happen next year.</p>
<p>I don't think parents should have "veto" power unless the issue is financial or medical. If the child is right the parent will gain new respect for the child's insight. If the parents are right, yes, it is an expensive lesson but transferring is not the end of the world.</p>
<p>If you plan to exercise veto power, do it BEFORE the applications even get sent. Do not wait until the acceptance comes in. If you REALLY do not intend to allow your child to attend a school, you should make that very clear from the onset.</p>
<p>In many cases, you don't know what the financial issues are until after the students has been accepted. You can hope and pray, but that's about it. </p>
<p>My son received three sizeable scholarships after acceptance. If we had nixed his application beforehand, he would have never had the options he did.</p>
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<p>her parents had strongly disliked one of the colleges she applied to >></p>
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<p>In the OP, the poster said the family would have vetoed the college because they strongly disliked it. I say...if you plan to do this, exercise your veto power before the applications are sent.</p>
<p>With regard to finances...I recommend that families talk to their kids about financial criteria BEFORE the applications are sent. Kids need to know what the parents will and won't do and I feel this should be done before the applications are sent as well. That way the student will know up front that when the acceptances come in, there are going to be financial considerations as well.</p>
<p>Student jumping in.
My parents have specifically told me that it is my decision where I go. At this point, I would be highly upset if they tried to veto any school I was accepted to.
However, at the same point, I highly value my mother's opinion, and if she suggested that I did not apply to school a for whatever reason, I would most likely not apply there. So long as a parent is upfront about it and doesn't try to veto a school after the application is out, then I don't see a problem (exceptions being if something "bad" happens at the school after the app. is out).</p>
<p>I laid down the rules before my kids even started looking at colleges: no schools that had ever been on a "top ten party school" list, and no schools that accepted 100% of their applicants. You'd be amazed how many schools that rules out.</p>
<p>We did discuss the applications, and my son did apply and attend a school that I thought was a school one should take very seriously before applying, because it can eat you up and spit out the bones (MIT). My D ended up attended a school she only visited because I made her visit (Reed). </p>
<p>I may have had veto power, but more importantly, we <em>talked</em> about colleges before they visited and before they applied.</p>
<p>dragonmom: Agreed, but I have to say I don't think that religious beliefs constitute a reasonable objection - to veto something based on its religiousness means the parents are forcing beliefs upon their almost adult children, and I think that's wrong. It's still their money to do with as they please, but I think that kind of domineering approach is unreasonable to the extreme.</p>
<p>When I applied for colleges, I would have been upset if my parents vetoed a college that I had already applied to. Keep in mind how much stress is involved in applying to colleges and waiting for replies. If you have a problem with one of your kids' selections, voice your concern before they apply. Don't just cross your fingers that they get rejected or lose interest.</p>
<p>We never had to consider veto power due to a poor choice. There were a couple of school where the fit might not have been ideal. Fortunately, my D was rejected by both. For both of those colleges, my D's stats placed her in the middle of the applicant pool. The rejections actually helped restore some faith in the selection process because I believe the adcoms could also determine that there was a poor fit.</p>
<p>Veto power is often an issue due to financial awards. This is a sad and stressful situation. Ideally, the student would not have applied but you can never predict the financial awards. This forum will be full of discussions on this topic next Spring. Some parents will decide to pay more and stress the family finances, some students and parents will take big loans, and other parents will hold firm and stick to a budget. It is really disappointing to go through the selection, application, and acceptance process and then not be able to attend due to finances.</p>
<p>We exercised a reverse veto. My W decided it was her right to add one college to my D's app list. Eventually she added two. One was an Ivy with a potential hook that did not work out. The other was also a reach that my D decided was too much of a reach to bother with. She was accepted and is now attending that U. </p>
<p>Aside from the possible vetoes due to finances, I think a veto or two is reasonable. If so, this should be done before the app process. In our case the reverse veto worked even though there were several hours lost due to one unnecessary application.</p>
<p>I'll bet that the vast majority of students value their parents perspective on colleges; if it got to the point that parents were tempted to use the veto, I'd wonder if the problem wasn't in the communication process all along the way.</p>
<p>Has anyone actually vetoed their kids choice late in the game for reasons other than financial ones?</p>
<p>I would veto a school for financial reasons or if it were too far away (ie. west coast). My D is a dancer, and if she gets accepted to a program such as NYU-Tisch but they don't offer enough aid, I can't see how we could afford such an expensive school. And schools on the west coast are too far away - the travel expenses would be too much for us. But she knows up-front that might be the case.</p>
<p>S could have walked into honors program at state U honors with full $$$ and junior status. However, 3 times they asked for SAT scores and transcript.They took months to accept him.</p>
<p>Several private schools he liked went out of their way to schedule interviews (he applied after deadlines, in Dec of jr y HS), called with questions, etc.</p>
<p>I've never regretted his choosing the private route. It was hard to imagine him handling the redtape of state U, nor do I think he would have found the same peer group.</p>
<p>There were many fine colleges that I wanted S to apply to, but as we never had time to tour, he went on preconceived notion of "fit".</p>
<p>We agreed to tour after acceptances. Only at last moment did I share my opinions, e.g giving up some merit money, or attending a school that accepted AP or prior college credits. These are difficult decisions. Even spending a day or 2 at the campus, attending classes, meeting current students, can narrow choices, but ultimately, it can feel like a leap of faith.</p>
<p>as a student, i'd be kind of mad if i get accepted into the schools i want to go and my parents all of a sudden tell me they don't want me going there. that being said, if they told me now that X college wasn't much of a match and they were worried about me ending up there i would take that into consideration before applying there. i think parents sometimes(key word here) can tell where their children will or will not thrive, and i trust my parents and their motives.
i think either way it's best if everyone is open and honest from the beginning.</p>