<p>Bay, my understanding about how these schools work, is that they can do as they please but they do not make decisions lightly, using precedent heavily. It is highly unlikely that they will break precedence. Also, any deal on this may mean your daughter answer questions on who provided the goods to her, and who else is involved. This is truly a messy situation when dealing with the school. Most schools will take the "I have a problem" reason, only if you tell the school before an issue has arisen. Expulsion is usually the answer, but expulsion or withdrawal, may ony be on a physical basis, with her getting her diploma in any case. The issue will then be dealing with the college and its rules for the scholarship, because it is highly, highly likely if not positive that the incident will have to be reported to the college.</p>
<p>Without having read all the posts, I have a few questions.</p>
<p>1) if your daughter postpones college entrance and the scholarship for a year, is it still available? If this works, she could have serious drug treatment (which IMHO is important here).
2) Has anyone questioned the accuracy and calibration of the test itself? Is there any possibility that a repeat test--which you would pay for--will come up negative? Or are you convinced of the test's accuracy and simply trying to deal most appropriately with an unpleasant result?</p>
<p>If it were my kid--I wouldn't send them off to college--scholarship or not--if they'd been caught using serious drugs. (You haven't specified the drug, to my knowledge.) I'd give serious thought to a year locally at a CC or a gap year.</p>
<p>At my kids private religious HS although the stated policy was "one strike and you're out" the actual policy was, "we want to work with families who want to work with us." What this meant in practice was that the families who marched in with lawyers inevitably were seen as being in denial about their kids problem, ready to defend the kids reputation, future, college, etc. at all costs without regard to the school's need to maintain a drug-free environment for the safety of the other kids, etc.</p>
<p>Families who showed up with a family therapist, addiction specialist, clergyperson, or just alone to talk and try to help their kid always got a better outcome.</p>
<p>If your HS is anything like ours.... walk in with a daughter who is both contrite that she broke the rules, as well as aware that she's got a problem which she has to own up to and participate in solving. Leave the lawyers for later, if you need them. The role of the parents in this meeting should be to engage in fact-finding- what are our options, who do you recommend for treatment, how can we be part of the solution and not the problem, etc. It won't be easy for you but from the school's perspective your D is part of a very slippery slope. One day a kid is taking someone else's adderal; next day kid is selling valium and demerol in the locker room.</p>
<p>I know kids at some of the finest colleges in the US who were on the verge of being expelled at some point senior year. The kid has to walk in prepared to apologize for both the violation of the rules as well as for disappointing all of the grownups who trusted her-- and then be receptive to whatever type of counseling or intervention the school recommends. As parents you get to make the ultimate decision as to whether the treatment/intervention is appropriate.... but I think the schools use the "one stroke" policies on a highly selective basis to punish the kids and families who walk in focused on finding a way to salvage the kids college admission, athletic scholarship, etc. The headmaster has significant discretion here and if your daughter is genuinely contrite and owns up to a problem you have a very good chance of getting a compromise hammered out (graduates but can't march; "empty envelope" instead of a diploma which will be awarded at the end of the summer after community service and drug treatment, no prom or other senior type activities but listed in the graduation program even though not allowed to attend, no graduation whatsover, at all, but diploma granted and transcript sent with no notation.) Our school has done all of these depending on the circumstances.</p>
<p>it is possible that the school has its own agenda, and your daughters well being is not apart of it. Do not rule out the possibility that they are using your d as an example to show other prospective parents that their school is very tough on drugs and that their kids are in a safe environment as they do not tolerate any drug use and will even go as far as "tossing out" a senior just a few weeks shy of graduation.</p>
<p>I definitely feel your d must understand the consequences of her actions and does need to pursue drug counseling/ therapy of whatever else is appropriate.
but I would be a bit wary of sharing that information with the school authority.
yes you can say this is a family matter- you are taking actions re: family counseling (no need to specify drug counseling). You can thank them for being so attentive to the students needs etc. But honestly, I do not know if it is wise to give too much info about re: your d's counseling and "recovery" .</p>
<p>now the discussion you have with your kid is a whole 'nother matter. That's where you can have a serious discussion about counseling, therapy etc. But I wouldn't share that info with the school. Her relationship with the school will end in a few weeks. </p>
<p>"Random testing" a few weeks before graduation??? Call me a skeptic, I don't trust the school. </p>
<p>I can see a benefit of having a first "general" discussion with school authorities. But I'd be sure to have my lawyer's telephone # on speed dial.</p>
<p>Hope all goes well.</p>
<p>marny- I also don't buy the "random testing" line.... but at the end of the day, what is to be gained by questioning the method used? Kid admits to having broken the rules; kid used a substance not prescribed to her; school is within their right to toss her out now since kid knew about the rule. Getting defensive doesn't help the kid here if the ultimate goal is to salvage whatever is left of her HS experience with a diploma and the ability to go to college (whether this college or another one down the road...)</p>
<p>Playing coy with the school "we think this is a family matter" sounds to me like pouring gasoline on a brush fire.</p>
<p>If the school is tossing her under the bus, I do not think they deserve much consideration from the family. </p>
<p>Now- it's a totally different relationship between parent and child. And in that instance a much tougher stance needs to be taken. BA dad has shown himself to be a very thoughtful and caring dad and I am confident that the family will take the proper steps.<br>
- but I'm not sure whether this school gives a hoot about this kid and her family. Therefore, I would not give them any satisfaction in being that forthcoming with the plan of action my family would take.
I would approach tomorrow's meeting as trying to gather facts and not give too much info to the school.
BA dad may just have to rely on his instincts tomorrow as to whether the school really does care and wants to do the right thing for his d, or whether they are throwing her to the wind.</p>
<p>I just wanted to give my opinion that there may be other hidden factors at play, that none of us are aware of- including BA Dad.</p>
<p>I think that nester and marny1 raise excellent points about the questionable nature of "randomly" testing a senior one week before graduation. I think it quite possible that there is something going on behind the scenes here.</p>
<p>To me, the most important things are preserving her ability to attend the school in question--which means preserving her acceptance and her scholarship--and preserving her health, which means dealing with any addiction issues, or slippery-slope addition issues. It still isn't clear to me that this is anything more than experimentation. If people at the school thought that she had significant issues, and chose this method to bring them to the attention of her parent...well, I find that level of self-righteous stupidity hard to imagine.</p>
<p>This and the previous thread have really concerned me. I felt the horror the father must have felt at seeing all the dreams and plans and funding (!) for college possibly disappearing. But, the posts about how to best smooth it over struck me badly as well. I couldn't imagine that making it all work out and sending her off to college at this point was a good idea. </p>
<p>MomofWildChild's idea of negotiating for a clear transcript and deferring college for a year seems to me the best of both worlds. It gives your daughter tangible, longterm consequences for an action that could cost her not just college, but her life; but it doesn't wreck her prospects. I think going into the school with a plan like this: to spend a year doing something worthwhile like community service while living at home and getting counsel and treatment shows them that you are not blowing this off, but that you are taking it very seriously indeed. It is my experience that if you fall on your own sword (taking full responsibility and consequences) folks are much less likely to want to push one into you.</p>
<p>I'm so sorry you are facing this at what should be a very happy time of life. I'm hoping that it is really a blessing in disguise and that getting caught and at such a critical time of life will scare her straight. Hopefully she will learn what she needs to quickly. I'm so sorry.</p>
<p>The one problem is that all the applications I've seen ask you if you have been expelled, suspended or ASKED TO WITHDRAW from a school. Hopefully, the student can stand on the existing application and not lose the admission.</p>
<p>Not sure which thread this should go on, and don't want to keep hammering away with the same old thing, BUT if the only thing the school has on your daughter is the drug test, then I'm not sure that the best thing for her to do on Monday is be contrite (eg incriminate herself). </p>
<p>Let's say the throwing under the bus hypothesis is accurate. And let's say that maybe the test that was used has false positives, or was administered incorrectly, or there was a legal flaw in the consent to testing, or D was somehow unfairly targeted so that you would have some heft in asking that the test result be thrown out -- do you really then want there to be an admission of guilt?</p>
<p>"Why are people suggesting getting a lawyer involved"</p>
<p>Agree--involvement from a lawyer can solidify the other side's position. However, there is really no downside to the family consulting a lawyer (w/expertise in the field) and having him/her evaluate the situation and assess the school's action/daughter's options. That way you get the legal advantage w/out the anti-lawyer antagonism that can sometimes result.</p>
<p>I just read Nester's comment (#30), and I am exactly on the same page as him. As the testing method and procedures may have been extremely flawed, I do not think I would be that willing to confirm my kids action of guilt to the school authorities.</p>
<p>I would not be so easy on my kid though- she does need to get the proper counseling.</p>
<p>OP see post #38 on Parents Cafe thread: Breathalyzer at the prom for an interesting reference to drug testing.</p>
<p>I know a group of boys who were "asked to leave" boarding school just before graduation due to a "mandatory expulsion" issue. The boys were allowed to complete their semester at home and did graduate. The school would not allow them back on campus during the school year, but they did have a small private graduation 'ceremony' on campus during the summer. I do not believe the incident was reported to colleges, and the boys matriculated at their colleges as planned in the fall.</p>
<p>It's worth noting that the kids did not have a (known to me) disciplinary record before this (apparently) isolated incident. While the school couldn't overlook the infraction, they were able to work out a completion arrangement that did not damage the boys' standing with their colleges.</p>
<p>Most reputable privates schools will insist that the incident be reported to the colleges. They will work with the student in reporting the incident in a way that is least damaging.</p>
<p>"As the testing method and procedures may have been extremely flawed, I do not think I would be that willing to confirm my kids action of guilt to the school authorities."</p>
<p>This is NOT a criminal proceeding. If I were a school administrator, and a parent or their representative tried to make this argument, all it would do is p*** me off.</p>
<p>emm- as I said earlier, I am a bit suspect of the school's motives. To do a random drug test of a student, a few weeks before graduation seems terribly harsh and punitive. Therefore, I would not want my kid to admit anything to the school authority. In fact, I might want to have my first meeting with the school- without my kid present. I think that d's presence at the first meeting might hamper conversation. I think BA Dad has the right to get all the facts from the school before he has his kid admit to anything.</p>
<p>Also- as I am no expert on Boarding Schools, I wonder what the school's responsibility is re: the presence of presription drugs on "campus".<br>
I do know that when I sent my kids to summer camp, ALL prescription drugs were taken away from the kids and had to be administered by the camp nurse in the infirmary. </p>
<p>so I am not ruling out the possibility that the school has lax procedures re: prescription medication usage by students- and they are looking for a scapegoat.</p>
<p>all I'm saying is --
gather the facts
don't say too much
assess the True situation
and take appropriate action!!</p>
<p>I may have misunderstood the original point. Certainly, the OP would be entitled to know the reason that the school believes that D was in fact using drugs. But if the schools says she failed a drug test, questioning the reliability of the test strikes me as counterproductive.</p>
<p>The story may not be quite as presented. Kids when caught with these things often put a spin on it. I would not go charging in there until I get the school's version of the events. I would listen first. Also be aware that being a private school, they can do pretty much what they please. I feel for the OP.</p>
<p>So how did things for your you today BayAreaDad? I think we are all concerned.</p>