Want to study abroad but Mom and financials are making me feel guilty? HELP!

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello everyone, </p>

<p>I'm kind of in a financial/moral/happiness dilemma here, and I'd really appreciate any insight on it. </p>

<p>So, I'm in the midst of applying to a study abroad program, and I've been thinking about it and looking forward to it since last fall. I've fallen in love with the French language, and as a duo French major, I think studying in France would really help jumpstart my degree and my knowledge/accent/confidence. Even though I've posted about anxiety before and that it's been especially in relation to my French class, I'm getting better with it and more confident, and I feel that immersion would solve most of my speaking anxiety. Also, I'm planning some official research to do there with my school's writing department, so I'm excited to do work in both of my majors and to maybe even get published.</p>

<p>Anyway, I was told the direct costs (including a flight) are about 16k. However, with my tuition being covered with my scholarships (they charge me tuition like I'm at my school) and with part of my Pell Grant being refunded since I'm only paying my school for tuition, that leaves about 7k for room and board and extra, so let's say 8k to be safe. </p>

<p>I can currently afford to do this (I could get some good loans, I have some money saved up, I have a job with flexible, abundant hours, and my grandmother could help me), but my mom told me yesterday that starting in June, her job is getting cut down to under 30 hrs/wk and that she doesn't know what she's going to do to get by next year. </p>

<p>Naturally, this means I have to step it up a bit. So, I'm going to have to pay for my summer class, books, and the part that's not covered for my fall housing next year. that's about $3500, not even counting gas and extras. Also, of course, I plan to help out with bills and such since we'll really be hurting. </p>

<p>So, ultimately, this takes money directly away from my study abroad savings fund, and I feel awful for wanting to go away to France. It doesn't help that my mom's been against it from the start, and now she has a "you're abandoning me when we need money!" attitude. </p>

<p>Should I sacrifice my dream because she's in a rough spot? I could not go away in the fall, commute again, get Pell money back and give it to her, and work as much as I can. I can do what has to be done, but all at the cost of my OWN wellbeing. </p>

<p>I've been planning this trip for months, and I already have things started with people. (my research with my professors, consultations with my advisors, general advice and extra lessons from my French professor, etc.) I can't go junior year because I need to prepare for graduate school tests and take certain classes for my majors , I can't go during a summer because I work, and senior is out due to grad school apps and senior thesis. Basically, it's next year or bust, and without getting all those French classes knocked out and done superbly in France, I'm not sure I could be a French major. </p>

<p>But if I go, my mother will be suffering financially all on her own, and a broken heart won't help her. </p>

<p>What should I do or think about doing? Thank you so much. This is really hard.</p>

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<p>McGill, which is in French speaking province of Canada, offers French immersion. Will that be cheaper to attend, while living in a French speaking state closer to the US? </p>

<p>[Learn</a> French | Learn French - McGill University](<a href=“http://www.mcgill.ca/learnfrench/]Learn”>Learn French - McGill University)</p>

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<p>OP- all due respect- it sounds like you can’t afford to go, with your Mom’s issues or feelings really only being tangentially relevant here. I’m not sure why you can’t go first semester senior year (they do have email in France, which is how you will send your grad school applications regardless of where you are living) and I need to understand how your grad school plans fit in with your financial constraints…</p>

<p>However, I think you need Plan B. Taking out loans to finance study abroad seems short sighted to me. You could get a job teaching ESL in France after you get your BA and someone would pay YOU to live in France… isn’t that a more cost-effective plan?</p>

<p>Your mom’s heartbreak seems irrelevant here. The money isn’t adding up, and taking on more loans given that your financial situation may be precarious for a while seems like a very bad idea.</p>

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<p>Not studying abroad is my biggest regret in my fiftysomething years of life. You will likely never again have the opportunity to spend that much time in a foreign country. As a parent, I would want my French-major student to take advantage of that opportunity and would do whatever it took to make that happen even though it would be hard for a relatively short time. You have made careful and thoughtful plans. Reassure your mom that you will email/Skype regularly to share this experience with her. Her financial concerns are legit, but her feeling abandoned or broken-hearted is her issue, not yours.</p>

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<p>I am a parent and I say go.
I know the economy is bad right now however she has been given plenty of notice that her hours are going to be cut. I don’t mean to sound harsh but unless she has health issues, I see no reason why she can’t try to find a part time job to fill in the gap in pay. If this is a permanent hours cut she should probably be looking for a different job.
Think about it this could be a long term financial issue for her. She doesn’t know what she is going to do next year…Is she expecting you to help support her financially once you are out of college? Follow your dreams. Your mom is an adult she needs to figure this out on her own.</p>

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<p>I dont know whats going on with your money situation but it sounds like this trip isnt affordable. Going to part time hours might mean losing her health benefits and the whole job might be in jeopardy. Not know what she is going to do “to get by”, unless your mother is the type that overreacts, sounds super serious and its time to rally around. </p>

<p>Unless this trip is going to lead to a short term increase in employability, its not worth borrowing money for.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the input so far. And also, I’d like to elaborate on a few points. I’m sorry for not mentioning them in my first post. </p>

<p>The money I would need to borrow would be minimal, like perhaps 3 or 4k. This would be including spending money and the like. Of course, I know that even more things can come up, so that’s why I’m wary about setting a specific number, and I know that you can’t count the chickens before they hatch in terms of how much I’ll make this summer. </p>

<p>The reasons I can’t go during my senior and junior years is due to the classes I need to take for my French major. We need to take intro literature classes during junior year and 400-level lit classes during senior year. The program and town that I’m planning on going to is only half a year (so winter/spring 2014, Feb-mid June) and it focuses on the classes we need to take prior to the lit classes. (all the grammar and writing classes, so about 5 300-level classes) By knocking all of them out in one semester, that would leave me in perfect shape to take the lit classes and then be done with the French major. (I’d also be taking all my upper-level writing classes for my writing major my last 2 years) If I went to France for a semester my junior or senior year, I’d miss the mandatory lit classes, and even if they had an equivalent at the Fench university, I’d already have all the grammar classes and it really wouldn’t add up credit and class wise. (they recommend either sophomore winter semester or junior fall semester)</p>

<p>And as for grad school, that has been my goal from the start for writing and rhetoric and perhaps even French, and I’ve heard that a lot of programs can offer you help and pay for your tuition if you teach or something. I’ve actually read about some Canadian schools in Ontario that offer nice perks or what have you. Also, I heard that you should take the GRE test your junior year, so I’d like to study and prepare for that. </p>

<p>And my mom hasn’t always been in this position, which is probably why it’s hard for her. We were doing okay until my dad passed away from cancer a few years back. We had to foot a lot of his meds from our pocket because his insurance wouldn’t cover some, and it was just financially and emotionally devastating overall. But we were getting through it, and now this happened, which is our first setback since. I don’t blame her for being so intense because it’s a big deal for her. I’d probably be mad at me too.</p>

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<p>You also might consider foregoing the study abroad but looking into shorter term exchanges like Rotary’s. Many of those come funded, so if you are selected, your OOP cost would be fairly low. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.rotary.org/RIdocuments/en_pdf/760en.pdf[/url]”>http://www.rotary.org/RIdocuments/en_pdf/760en.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>If you are getting any money from her, then you know that the end of that is here. That means for next year too. But if you are now at a point where you are completely financially independent, you need to do what you should be doing to put yourself in the best position in terms of being self sufficient after school. I’ve seen kids get mired in their family’s needs that were there long before they came of age, and were clearly going to be issues long after, and had they been more selfish and gotten themselves in gear to make the money when the time came for them to be working full time, everyone would have been better off. So I am with MichiganGeorgia in my way of thinking, given the facts you have presented.</p>

<p>But I will say, you are delusional if you expect any financial help from your mother. She’s clearly not making ends meet herself. But you should not let yourself get swamped with her chronic issues or you won’t be able to help when she is older and things are even worse. And yes, they can get worse. You need to put yourself in the best possible position for those days to come. </p>

<p>I’m sorry you are put in that position. If this were some big acute crisis that coming from nowhere and the timing is such that it could make a big difference if you weathered the storm with your mother, I would say differently. But that is not what it looks like to me.</p>

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<p>Borrowing 3-4K for out of pocket expenses is minimal? What’s the plan to pay that back on top of financing your junior and senior years with little to no parental help?</p>

<p>OP- you sound like a fantastic young adult with a good head on your shoulders. And I’m sorry that you’ve hit a speed bump here. But I’m not seeing a long term plan to financial independence here-- even if you get a fully funded PhD admissions for French and Rhetoric. Have you run any of these numbers past a financial aid officer at your school to see if you are missing any sources of funding- perhaps a fellowship from the French department to finance study abroad that you don’t know about???</p>

<p>You are budgeting very close to the edge without a safety net IMHO.</p>

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<p>As a parent, you are not responsible for your mother. You mother is an adult and needs to support herself. Think things through and do what you really need to do for yourself. It may not be best to go away for other reasons.</p>

<p>ETA: I just saw your later post. I am sorry to hear of your fathers passing.</p>

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<p>Qu</p>

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<p>Blossom-- I know that 3-4k isn’t exactly minimal, and I do feel about that. I meant that it’s minimal for the 16k it’s supposed to cost, if that makes any sense. </p>

<p>I have been checking around for scholarships, and since I plan on doing research in France, my writing professor said I could apply for a $1500 research grant. There are also some other general scholarships my school offers, so maybe I could be lucky and blessed and get a lot of that extra cost covered. </p>

<p>And as soon as I would return from France, I would continue work (boss and small business already confirmed I could have my place back) and I’d probably be able to pay back a couple thousand by Christmas. I probably wouldn’t live away at school my junior year, (more money to spend) so that’ll hopefully allow me to build up some more funds. </p>

<p>Longterm, I think I’d be okay. (or rather I hope if I can work hard enough) I’m just really worried about the short term, especially for my mom. </p>

<p>And bc - yep, I’ve looked into Qu</p>

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<p>What is the extra cost of studying abroad? I mean, what is the total cost of a semester at home and the total cost of the semester in France? Some people actually find studying abroad to be cheaper.</p>

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<p>It’s hard to tell whether the finances are really impossible, or if your mother is using them to guilt-trip you into not going. Make sure you really understand the finances, not only for this trip, but for the rest of your college career. How much debt, altogether, will you have when you graduate? How much has your mother been paying toward your education thus far?</p>

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<p>It sounds like a great opportunity for you…and I sincerely hope you are able to figure out a way to go, but this comment gives me pause. </p>

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<p>I guess our family just approached these things differently. “She’s” in a rough spot? It’s your family. And while it certainly sounds like you’ve done a tremendous job in securing scholarships and working to lessen the blow of <em>your</em> college education (Brava for that!), the realities of a single parent raising a family are…well, very real. You can do X, Y and Z to pay for <em>your</em> college education at the cost of <em>your well-being</em>?? I don’t know your mom, or your family. But it sounds like she went into this college journey with the best of intentions of helping you out as much as she can. But life happens. Semesters abroad, membership in professional sororities…things like that are extras. And if you can figure a way to make them happen, that’s great. You can be frustrated or sad or maybe even angry that a set-back like this has gotten in the way of something your really wanted…but to treat it like it’s soley her problem Maybe I’m interpreting it wrong…very well might be…but that’s my take.</p>

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<p>Well, it’d actually be more expensive for me to study abroad in France. It’d cost about 16k for France (accounting for my school’s tuition, housing, insurance, excursions, and probably some more government stuff) and it would cost me about $10,100 to live away at my school for the winter semester. </p>

<p>However, my tuition is covered, and I can apply Pell money to France since they’ll refund it to me because I pay tuition through my school. So, whereas I’d actually have to pay $2100 to go away to my university, I’d have to pay about 8k to go away to France (not counting scholarships or spending money). </p>

<p>In a way, I’d view going to France like going to a private school for half a year. (in fact, I think it is a private university in France!) </p>

<p>And Hunt - my mother has not directly paid a penny for my education so far. I have merit scholarships for my tuition, and i have financial aid that covers most of my housing. (so, in a sense, I guess she does pay for it by being lower income) </p>

<p>I’ll have to pay $2100 to live at school next year (I had independent scholarships from high school that paid for the difference this fall semester), and since I don’t plan on living away from home junior year and will just assume I’ll live in a student appartement senior year, I should be in about maybe 7 or 8k debt? But I’ll get Pell refund money from junior year, so maybe 4 or 5? Under 10 for sure, I’d say. </p>

<p>France would add another 5k to be safe. </p>

<p>And I’ll be working as much as I can the next 3 years to lower this if not eliminate it.</p>

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<p>So, the issue isn’t that your mother can no longer pay for your education, because she’s not paying for it now. The issue is whether you should free up money to help her out financially. I think that depends on just how dire her financial condition will be if you don’t help her. I doesn’t sound like you’re planning on accumulating an unsupportable amount of debt. Why doesn’t she want you to go to France?</p>

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<p>Keepingitlight-- I see what you mean. And that makes me feel bad, because I do know that it is a shared responsibility since it’s just the two of us. </p>

<p>I know it’s not just her problem, and I want to help. I really do! But how MUCH should I help, I guess is what I’m wondering? I would try my best to pay for the trip and to maybe leave her a bit of a nest egg (even if it means taking a loan for 2k and giving her 2k, because I know I could pay the loan off sooner than she could) and I’m trying to figure out ways she can make up the lost hours. (I’ve even thought of asking my boss if she could work with us) </p>

<p>If I could get everything squared away, would it be worth it? This is a really good opportunity for me, and even though I love my mother and she’s all that I have, I really feel that this would be good for me. It’d be probably the first time I’d ever spoiled myself with something like this, and I know I would benefit and thrive from the experience.</p>

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<p>Studying abroad is not really an extra if the OP intends to be a French major. She can get a college degree without it, but probably not a college degree in French as a practical matter. So the question is really pretty much as she has framed it: Should she borrow $5,000 to be able to study what she wants?</p>

<p>If what she wanted to study was engineering, people would be falling all over themselves here to tell her to do it. The fact that it’s French, and thus not immediately marketable in a simple way, produces the opposite reaction. </p>

<p>I am impressed with how much thought the OP has put into this, and I trust her judgment that it can work, so I would tell her to go ahead and do it. Neither the 3-4 months away from home nor the $4-5,000 in extra expense is really going to make a permanent difference in the economic life of this family, no matter what happens with the mother’s job. And I have a feeling that the OP is the kind of person who will figure out how to make following her joy the basis of an independent and productive life.</p>