Last chance to study abroad -- having doubts but still plan to do it. Am I doing the right thing?

Parents Forum
1

Hi there,

As some of you know, I have been posting on this forum for years about studying abroad. I was set to study abroad in France back in the winter of 2014 but withdrew because of opposition from my family, I successfully completed a summer program this past summer in Montreal, and I am now planning to go to France this upcoming fall. Clearly the idea of studying abroad has stuck with me throughout the years and even materialized with Montreal, but this upcoming fall is my absolute last chance to study in France since I will be graduating in the winter of 2016 and plan to attend graduate school immediately after (my program will be in Rhetoric and Composition, so I doubt I’d be able to study abroad while in grad school).

In this case, money is not a concern and the hesitancy all revolves around leaving my widowed, emotionally-unstable mother behind. I’ve also posted about how she controls my life and makes me feel guilty over every single thing that I do, and I will say that the situation has gotten better though not ideal. I do still live with her (though for a period in the fall I spent the night at friends’ places quite often because she was getting really bad), and we’ve now reached a sort of understanding as to how to co-reside.

However, when I mentioned to her that I’ve decided to study abroad in France and that I’m completing the application for it ASAP since the application and materials are due by March, we had a falling out that led to hours of me doing “damage control” (she locked herself in her room and I sat outside talking to her about how I love her but how I need to follow my heart; she sat in there yelling about terrorism in France, how I can’t take care of myself, and how it’s going to screw up my education when I decide to come back early because I won’t be able to handle it).

Despite all of the familial disruption, I still very much want to do it. I’m working on the application, already had professors send in recommendations, am working on getting my birth certificate translated, and will soon have an interview with the program coordinator before applying to the French consulate. I’ll admit that this feat absolutely terrifies me and I worry about leaving the comfort of my life behind, but I know from my experience in Montreal that I just need to throw myself out there and that I’ll eventually adjust and will have a great time.

My mom made it clear that she and my grandmother will not pay a dime for it, but I have that covered (academic scholarships at my university apply and I have more than enough in savings right now to pay the extra housing, flight, and extra expenses cost). I’ll get credit toward my degree and will return from France with only one class left to take for my French major. It does complicate my other major of Writing and Rhetoric (I’ll be taking my capstone in the winter of 2016 and so need to start doing research and the like this summer and while I’m in France) and also complicates grad school applications (I’ll be abroad when I apply), but it’s fine because my writing professors are supportive and will work with me (Skype, email, etc.). So, the only thing holding me back is my mother and my guilt (she doesn’t make a lot of money and I usually help her out financially).

So, wise parents, is enough enough? Have I proven that I’m ready to take this step and am deserving of it? The entire ordeal gives me a headache, but I’m starting to realize that I’m old enough to make my own decisions and young enough not to be tied down. The chance to live in France for 4 months will almost never arise again (at least not until I’m out of grad school, which could be a while since I’m likely going for a PhD), and everyone has been telling me that it’ll be good for me and that I need to just do it.

However, I still can’t help but feel bad for my mother since I love her with all my heart, and I think I love her enough to seriously consider not going just to spare her the emotional heartache. This has been a long battle, and while I’m almost there, I still feel held back.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

2

I think you have done enough. I’m speaking as one who cared for an elderly parent, but it sounds like yours isn’t even elderly.

It’s only 4 months, for goodness sakes. I have a kid who is younger than you, most likely and gone for a lot longer, but it is the preparation required for the future for that one.

I think you just tell Mom you love her very much, but you need to take this last chance to study abroad while in college, and you will be back in a few short months, and keep in touch regularly while gone. Tell her to be happy for this opportunity for you.

3

Yes! Yes! Yes! Please go and enjoy yourself! You can do damage control when you return but if you don’t go I can assure you that you will carry a grudge, however small, for a long time. It sounds like your mom has your grandmother around for emotional support. There is no doubt that you love your mom and I think she knows that… 4 months will pass quickly… Call, email, skype, etc…Any way she could/would visit you?

4

Go! You’ll survive and your mom will, too! I discouraged one of my daughters from a few potential study-abroad locations (Russia and India), but both she and her sister did programs (one in Vietnam, the other in Ghana), and the experiences were good for all of us.

5

Absolutely. Go and have a wonderful experience!

6

Go. Email them pictures. Send little notes every couple of days. Let them know you are thinking of them.

Do you have an aunt or uncle, or a clergyman who can perhaps help your mom or provide some help to you all as you make this transition?

They didn’t come to Montreal with you, right? This France trip isn’t a lot longer than the summer. And really…away is away!

When I sent my kids to overnight camp, I told them…it doesn’t matter if you are 10 miles away or 1000 miles away, you still will be away, and you don’t come home in the middle!

Have a wonderful experience!

7

Absolutely go to France. Your mother will survive without you and it sounds like you will certainly be keeping in touch. A similar opportunity will rarely arise in later years, so take advantage of these 4 months abroad that are available to you. Your mom is trying to guilt you into not going, but she should be putting your interests first and be thrilled you can spend a semester in France.

You sound like a very mature young person and I expect you will be able to handle 4 months in France. You come across as confident, intelligent, and resourceful. Either your mother raised you up this way or you did it on your own, but either way, she needs to see this semester through your eyes, put her “needs” aside, and be incredibly supportive of you. Enough is enough, but I suspect she is worried about losing you. This is a baby step toward your independence.

8

Thank you all for the support!!

I know for sure that she won’t visit me (she doesn’t have a passport and can’t afford to take time off work) but I’m sure I can teach her how to Skype (and she also emails quite frequently since she doesn’t have texting).

Also, to clarify, I was only in Montréal for a month, so this will definitely be a big jump and will be the longest we’ve ever been apart.

She does have my grandmother, so that helps. I still know that this is going to be hard on her, and I’m not looking forward to the near future when I go about getting my birth certificate translated and so go about making it official and real.

I think she still doesn’t believe me. She’s like “that’s what you said last time and you withdrew.” My fault, I know, but it only makes it harder for her now that it’s for real.

9

Definitely go. As you know, you may never get this kind of chance again. Your mom will be OK for a few months. If you don’t go because of her, you will likely regret it and possibly resent her. It does not mean you are not a wonderful daughter or a good person if you leave for a semester. Good luck!!

10

One of my best friends was widowed recently and has young and teenaged kids. It’s been horrible to watch her go through this. I feel awful for her–it’s a nightmare. She fears for herself and her kids in a way she never did before, and I understand that. Yet, if her oldest was as old as you are, and she came to me with your dilemma, I would strongly encourage her to go. Your mom will realize that you and she will both be okay. For the health of both of you individually and together, this will likely be a good thing in the long run. Besides, this has been a dream and goal of yours for a long time, and you’ve definitely thought it through carefully. Go! Check in with your mom frequently (daily), even if only to email, “I’m having a great time! I love you so much.”

11

I suggest you go. Then you won’t have the coulda, shoulda, woulda…regrets. It will also be an opportunity for your mother to develop/grow. There are some free texting apps if y’all text. (kakao comes to mind). Or email may be better so that you won’t feel like you have an electronic leash…Agree with @myloves to check with your mom frequently. Even a simple message will mean so much.

12

Going may be the best thing you have ever done for yourself and your mom. She seems to have chosen to live her life in fear and you should not follow in those footsteps with all that spirit you seem to have. You have taken care of business and planned well, now it is time to execute. A mothers guilt is the most powerful weapon we have and it is an effective tool many times in raising kids, but needs to be used with caution and care. Excessive use of this tool is often self indulgent and destructive. Your mom may actually grow too, the time may be good for some self reflection. She has to deal with this or risk being Norma Bates. :slight_smile: But in mom’s defense, particularly being widowed, it is scary seeing your kid go that far, even for the most well adjusted. And she is probably worried you will meet a charming Frenchman and raise her grandkids in France. So reassure her you aren’t abandoning her, just taking a long trip and get a phone plan where you can text often. In the end, she will be proud of you.

Soon you will have a family of your own with house payments and all that goes along with it. Four months in France will not likely be an option then. This window you have is indeed short as you have said. If this is truly a dream, then it is up to you to make it come true. Hugs to both you and mom.

13

I know how much a child feels they need to stay close to support a widowed parent from my own experience, but you should definitely GO! Don’t feel guilty, enjoy the time, call/write home, live the life you dreamed, The suggestion of finding someone in her community - pastor, neighbor etc - to provide support is a good one.

Bon voyage et bonne chance!

14

Go and have a wonderful experience. But before you go, see if you can help her get her support system into place. More than just finding someone, why not get in touch with all her friends and family. Let them all know that she’s having a tough time with the separation anxiety and you would view it as personal favor if they would check in on her periodically, by mail or Skype or phone. Tell them it would mean a lot to you, and to her, if a few neighbors or friends extended invitations for coffee, dinner, a walk - especially in the beginning. Some people just need more hand-holding than others to get through a stressful time. Clearly your mom is one of them, so look for support systems to help her out. (It isn’t fair, by the way, that you have to do this - usually its parents trying to find support systems for their kids who are going abroad. But life isn’t fair and you do what you can so you can feel good about the adventure that you will be under-taking. It’s just the first of many, so this probably isn’t the last time you will need to do this for her. Hopefully next time it will be easier.)

15

First, you sound so much stronger and in a better place this year. Kudos to your hard work on yourself. It paid off!

Now, go! While your time in Montreal was just one month, it was enough to show your mother and yourself that you could do it, right? Your mother is scared, plain and simple but this doesn’t mean you need to live your life catering tto her fear… Keep in touch. She will (must?) learn your absence from home isn’t an absence from her life. Stay connected. Include her in your adventures.

You truly deserve this semester abroad. You worked hard in school and on yourself to be in this place. You are ready. Go and good luck!

16

Of course you should do it, as a French major you need to and want to. It isn’t a matter of deserving, although I do think you deserve a break from this difficult mother. I suggest you don’t do a blow by blow with her of the progress. You have informed her and now just take care of the details. A couple of weeks before you leave, you can put it on the calendar. This should keep the explosions and manipulative behavior to a minimum. (Threatening not to give you money she doesn’t have? lol) I wish you could set up some reward system where the nicer she is, the more contact she will get while you are gone. (Sorry, it is hard to be sympathetic to someone so unsupportive of good things for you.)

You have done an away trip so you know the drill and know you are ready. France will be wonderful, just think of the food! My daughter also studied abroad fall of Sr year. So she had to apply for grad school during that time. I really don’t know how she did it but she did, and applied to quite a few. She took the GRE in the summer before. She also worked remotely with her research group. I’d just say to line up as much preliminary stuff as you can in summer so things are less stressful when you are away.

She studied in Hungary but travelled after. She stayed with someone through couchsurfing in Paris and that person worked at the Louvre and gave her a tour.

You will remember your student trip to France forever.

17

I would not let my D. to go to Europe in current situation there. Actually she went abroad, to New Zealand. It was a great experience.

18

This is a great idea!!

19

^LOL. No she should be as nice as possible both before and during. I love the idea of getting friends, neighbors and relatives on helping her through this time. Our son spent an entire year overseas, though he came home for winter break, thankfully. It was a great experience for him and made such a difference in his abilty with the langage - went from being a C student to an A student.

20

I wish your mom could see what a wonderful opportunity this is for you and take pride in what a hardworking and thoughtful person you are. Go and wring as much out of every minute as you can!