Want to study abroad but Mom and financials are making me feel guilty? HELP!

Parents Forum
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<p>HarvestMoon: as a French major, you MUST go to France if you want to attend grad school with a stipend (yes, grad schools will gladly PAY you to attend their program if you have a good level - of course you need to have the highest possible level).
Ok, imagine these two solutions:

  • you use your mini-loan and savings to help your mother now, and if you want a job you must pay for your own grad school, cost: at least $20,000
  • you go to France now with your mini-loan and savings and you get into grad school, cost: $0 AND stipend: $12,000/year (at least).
    Now, if you’re financially savvy, the decision should be a no brainer.
    Essentially, don’t sacrifice long-term benefits for short-term needs. The costs are too high both for you AND for your mom.
    Additionally, your educational loans and savings are meant for YOUR EDUCATION. (In fact you could get in legal trouble if your educational loan were to be used for your mother’s truck.) Your mother and you have been through a lot, but now it’s time for you to do something truly independent that will help you help your mom in the long run. </p>

<p>For a French major, studying abroad is not an option, but rather an obligation. It’s like math for an economics major, those who make the “easy, short-cut” decision end up paying a heavy cost upon graduation. (For a French major, going abroad literally means the difference between a paid-for grad school or having to pay for grad school, or a job/no job. The return on investment is very high and the cost of NOT going is very high also.)</p>

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<p>Shame on all of you adults to tell this young lady she MUST go and that she DESERVES to go. Shame on you for saying she can’t get into grad school without going to France.</p>

<p>How easy to spend someone else’s money. How easy to tell someone else to take out loans. How easy to determine what her relationship with her mom must be.</p>

<p>Who are you to say her mom should get another part time job …aaarrrggghhhhh.</p>

<p>You have no idea what this mom is up against. No idea.</p>

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<p>Harvest I hope you get enough scholarships to go. You need a responsible adult to sit down with you and work out all the numbers. All the numbers for the next years of college; not just a semester of study abroad.</p>

<p>I hope it works out for you, I really do. You are mature and forward thinking. You are resourceful and hard working. You will be extremely successful as an adult because of all your excellent qualities. However without your mom sharing exact financial numbers you cannot possibly know where you stand as a family.</p>

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<p>You’re a rising soph and it’s a double major, right? The other being writing? And law school has been on your mind, but maybe a writing career instead? Or did I get that wrong? We can’t predict that you “must” go for this major; the U can clarify whether it’s a requirement there. Profs can help you evaluate your skills, what the best options are, and what grad schools expect. (Are you set on grad school?) If you need to enhance the language skills, there are certainly other opportunities. If I had piped in earlier, I might have asked why the plan to do this soph year. If I missed that, sorry.</p>

<p>Imo, since you made the decision and paid deposits, it’s important you wisely examine why you don’t want to go. I think it is generous and loving that you want to help mom. But it seems you have been- and are still being- generous with emotional support, taking care of as much of your own finances as possible, and contributing where you can. And it’s clear you love her. The love, the bonding, etc, don’t change when one is away for a semester. You can share this experience from afar, Skype, email, send postcards and an occasional trinket. </p>

<p>As parents, many know our responsibility to our kids is to let them experience a bit of life, to prep them for young adulthood. Not just the tasks and obligations- classes, jobs, finances, sharing our responsibilities and sometimes holding us together or taking over. But also exploring. Testing your wings. So that you can grow, learn who you are and what you can do, and so you have a solid footing for young adulthood. It’s not just the degree.</p>

<p>I know you posted that the early days in college were an adjustment. I think you said you are now living at home-? I don’t know the details of your mom’s struggles. But I hope this uncertainty isn’t a fear of moving one step forward. Apologies. It is the same question I would ask my daughters or their friends.</p>

<p>Best wishes. You are a charming poster.</p>

85

<p>This is something that, on many levels, I know a LOT about. So, yes, a language major who does not go abroad (and it does not need to go to France but HarvestMoon has a scholarship to go to Angers) WILL encounter trouble if s/he plans on using that language for a job or enter grad school. And yes it is extremely difficult for a first gen student to go abroad, the difficulties usually being unrelated to academic ability and almost always a matter of short term vs. long term and being anchored in one’s family/community. It’s a good thing Harvestmoon is so responsible and has such a relationship with her mom but she can’t jeopardize her future by using her education money for her mom.(For those who haven’t read the update: Due to her double-majoring, HarvestMoon must go this year. Her professors are extremely supportive. HarvestMoon can afford to go thanks to savings and a scholarship she’s won. However her mom’s truck is breaking down. HarvestMoon I hope I summarized properly.)
It’s supremely difficult to leave but it’s necessary both for personal growth and for professional development. Not making that commitment during undergrad (and it IS very difficult) ends up costing the students much more in the long run. The challenge is very acute and painful for first-gen students but the costs of not going are much higher than the costs of going. It’s like college: going to college costs more than working at Walmart right out of high school, but the rewards are worth it.
HarvestMoon has won a scholarship and has savings, that money should be used for what will benefit her and her mother the most, ie, investing in her education.</p>

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<p>MYOS, I think OP needs to clarify what scholarships she got from the U to cover their charges while she is gone and any additional funds she has received to cover the France portion. She wrote that she can’t sit with the right folks til fall semester.</p>

<p>I don’t see an issue with a small loan to cover a remaining 2k. I see her trying to cobble this together. I see the advantages to immersion. I don’t see that OP is clear she will continue a future based on a French major. This seems to be an outside program, OP can clarify.</p>

<p>As a sophomore, many kids are not fully committed to their proposed majors; for many, this sort of financial commitment is early in the game. If the second major is writing, perhaps OP needed to consider whether the double major and its class requirements are the one, true path. Remember, the decision to apply came at the end of freshman year, all the considerations fell early.</p>

<p>I like her, want her to go. But this isn’t as simple as “you have to.” And, aside from what Mom may need from her, I wonder if helping Mom is clearly understood.</p>

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<p>Curious how your grandmother feels about this. She seems to be the support the two of you have and may know your mother the best. And, it seems she is encouraging.
I moved to CA from NY at 22 years old. I remember stopping by my Cad’s to say good bye. He fell into a big mush with hgging and sobbing - it frightened me. He had always been a rock. He and my mom had just gone through a divorce and he was fragile. My siblings were not speaking to him either due to divorce issues. I realized I was the only one he had, but I was leaving in the morning! He ended up doing fine - he got a new job, and began dating, too. He had a hard time letting go and now that I am a parent, I have the same struggles with my own kids. I think the struggle is normal and we all handle it differently.
I say go, Harvestmoon. Once your mom knows you are there and doing well, she will miss you like crazy, but will go around bragging that her daughter is studying in France! Best wishes!</p>

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<p>HarvestMoon, did you post somewhere the length of time that you have been studying French? Did you take 4 years of French in high school? </p>

<p>I am with those who think that you <em>must</em> study in France for a semester, at least, if you are serious about the French major, or using French in the future (other than casually, or as a tourist). I think that you will have a completely unmarketable French major otherwise. I don’t think it would be of benefit for law school applications, either, if you have not gone to France.</p>

<p>I think that you should have at least two years of American university-level French before you go. You may well have that already.</p>

<p>It seems to me that the most dispensable element of your plan is the dual major. Why do you need a second major? If you were not also majoring in writing, you could go to France during your junior year. Alternatively, if you are serious about writing, but not that serious about French, you could minor in French and skip the trip (although even that would be inadvisable, in my opinion).</p>

<p>On the other hand, if you have faculty members spending time and effort to make it possible for you to go next spring, they may not be willing to put out the same level of effort for a junior-year trip, if you call it off now.</p>

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<p>Professors are human beings, not robots. A simple, “I can’t make the finances work right now” is all a faculty member will need to hear. And perhaps they know of other resources that could augment the travel abroad fund the OP needs.</p>

<p>OP-- I do not believe that it’s now or never for you. I think the posters who claim that you either go to France next year or “waste” your French major are entirely overstating the case. </p>

<p>I know it’s hard living with uncertainty, but perhaps you should be making a Plan B for next year just in case France doesn’t come together.</p>

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<p>Well, I can’t tell from the OP’s posts how much effort the faculty have put into helping the student obtain scholarships–but it seemed as though there was some. Many scholarships are not deferrable; perhaps the ones the OP was writing about could be deferred.</p>

<p>I agree that it is not “now or never.” I think that a student in the OP’s situation needs to go to France sometime during the undergraduate career, if the student is serious about a French major, though. This could be done by dropping the writing major and going as a junior, or by going as a senior and working through the inconveniences of being abroad while applying to grad school. If a student had the opportunity to spend a year in France post-graduation, that would permit later grad school applications. However, it seems unlikely to me that the OP’s finances would permit that, and indeed, most people’s would not.</p>

<p>Seriously, I think that the OP’s mother needs to understand that going to France is more or less essential for the OP, if the OP is serious about the French major. This doesn’t mean that going next year is essential. But if the OP does not go at all, then in grad school (if continuing in French) and job applications where the French major is relevant, the OP is unlikely to be preferred over someone who has spent a semester or more in France–very unlikely.</p>

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<p>Hello there, </p>

<p>Thank you all so much for your time and effort on this, and thank you for sticking with it for so long. I’m sorry that I don’t have all of the financial information yet, but I will try and clarify everything that I know with my carefully calculated estimates. I won’t know any exact numbers until the fall when all parties will be willing to talk to me about it, so please hang in there with me. </p>

<p>(And I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I’m just trying to answer as many questions as I can.) </p>

<p>Price: spring/winter of '12 - between 15 and 16k. (price will rise with increasing tuition rates, I’m sure)
Transferable scholarships for the semester: between 8 and 9k, depending on exact amount of leftover Pell.
Left: between 8 and 7k, but let’s say around 10k with increasing rates and to be safe.
My money to contribute (updated): 7k (and rising) </p>

<p>Basically, since I’ve been working as much as I physically and mentally can this summer, have received a raise at my job, have been living frugally and will continue this route while picking up a campus job in the fall along with applying to more scholarships, I’m fairly (though naturally not completely) certain that I can afford the trip to France. Things have truly been going my way these last few months, and I’m very grateful. </p>

<p>However, it’s my mom that I worry about. As of now, I’m probably making more than her since she’s limited to under 30 hours a week, so I pay some of the bills and take care of all transportation costs for the two of us. We’re making it now, but I honestly don’t know about the upcoming months when I’m back at school. This worries me, and I want to be able to take care of her. </p>

<p>I currently live at home though I’m set to stay at the dorms in the fall. I can still cancel my contract and save money since I’d have to pay about $2100 to stay there, so I’m still thinking about that. My reason for staying is because of my new on-campus job, which would put me on campus potentially 6 days a week since I also have classes 3 days a week. Since I live an hour away, I’m not sure if it’s prudent to commute that much. Plus I was thinking on having my mom use my car as a solution to her decaying vehicle, so I really need to do some more thinking on this. </p>

<p>As for my grandmother, she thinks France is a terrible idea because she doesn’t want me to get hurt or anything. She knows I’ll be able to make it work if I’m truly set on it, but she’s worried that I won’t be able to emotionally handle it. She’s helped my mom financially before in the past, but I’m not knowledgeable about her exact financial situation or what she’s discussed with my mom. I know she won’t let her drown, though, so that’s comforting to me. </p>

<p>As for my future plans, I’ll admit that I’m young (rising sophomore) and am still juggling all of my possibilities. Writing has always been my strongest suit, and I’m truly devoted to making that work in a professional manner. I’m not naive enough to strive to become a famous (and penniless) writer, but since my major is Writing and Rhetoric, there are numerous professional options involved, such as publishing and editing. Actually, my on-campus job, which is a writing consultant for my university’s writing center, was given to me from a class I took for the writing major, so I’m also being exposed to the teaching/tutoring element of it, which I really, really like. </p>

<p>Law school is also on my mind, and I’m considering a duo-Canadian degree since I live in southeast Michigan. But I know that’s still at least 3 years away, so I won’t dwell on it. </p>

<p>The reason I’d have to go to France my sophomore year is the schedule of classes for my writing major. It would really set me behind to go later, and I’m a bit ahead now which will make up for the lost semester my sophomore year. (come junior year, we’re on a set schedule; sophomore year is supposed to have writing elective classes that I’ve already taken since I scored out of the intro comp classes) We have internships and things we need to align for our senior year, and that along with getting my core French classes taken in France for the most credit makes the winter of 2014 the most prudent option. </p>

<p>The program is sponsored by my school, and I’ll have 1 1/2 years of college French before leaving though I’ve been told I’m already at that level now. </p>

<p>I’m serious about French since I have this strange, powerful gravitation towards it. I had 3 years of high school French and did great, but when I started studying it in college, I realized the true richness of the feat of learning a foreign language and found a burning desire to meet the challenge. I worked independently with a professor every week to learn more advanced concepts, and it’s just been like wildfire. She’s put a lot of effort into teaching me French, helping me figure out my study abroad dreams, dabbling with what I’ll face there and how to handle it, and basically just giving me the support that my mom isn’t providing. She sees a lot in me, and I’ve met other French professors who have been lovely as well. I actually had the Chair as a professor this summer, and she’s very warm and helpful about it all too. </p>

<p>Essentially, my head says to go to France since the numbers will (hopefully) all crunch, but my heart tugs me back since I love my mom and don’t want to leave her hanging emotionally and financially. And from all this concern, I’m not even sure how I’M going to handle it. I know that she needs me maybe too much as a parent, but our dynamic has always been the two survivors of our personal shipwreck of losing my dad and then living in the wake of financial hardship. </p>

<p>Again, I appreciate everyone’s feedback, and I’m truly taking it all in and trying to make everything work. Sorry for the delay and my loquacious tendencies.</p>

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<p>I wish you the best in this pursuit. I have not met too many young people who have thought things out so thoroughly.</p>

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<p>But to answer the question I danced around: I want to do French for a living, and I want to write for a living.</p>

<p>The challenge is how to do both, especially as I understand they’re both risky, traditionally un-marketable majors. </p>

<p>I’ve always followed the mantra of being good enough at something to be successful at it, so that’s why I know studying abroad would help me advance in French and a professional degree in writing would help in that area. </p>

<p>But I know that my university doesn’t require studying abroad for the BA in French. It’s just “highly encouraged” in print.</p>

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<p>My concern was that you needed to take care of Mom more than you needed to grow. Some kids get in that whirl, when there has been a crisis or ongoing stress. But it’s clear, at points, that you do understand this is a tough road to navigate, positives on both sides, needs on both sides- and no simple, easy answers.</p>

<p>If you were my dear young friend, I would say: wait and see, wait and see. I believe you said you still have some months til the deadline for claiming back deposits. Meet with fin aid this fall, see where the chips fall. </p>

<p>When there has been a crisis, everything changes. Everything has to so you can identify what you feel, tend to wounds, manage obligations and start to heal. It can take time. Even when you see yourself having picked up responsibilities quickly (college, the job, watching expenses and the helping Mom part,) the healing still works on its own schedule. </p>

<p>I’d say, you now know many posters feel this sort of trip is needed. But the healing is also a priority. I’ll leave it at that, for now. You’re smart, self aware and trying to think this through. Let us help you, this fall, when more details gel. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>You will be able to handle study abroad just fine. You are going in the most safe and supportive way possible. You will not be alone. You will have other students in your program and you will have home stay, so a family will be eating with you and exchanging information and assistance getting acclimated, and help should any problem arise.</p>

<p>I agree that study abroad is very important for a French student. Don’t write off trying to make it work Jr year if you can’t go now. See what you can do to work it out or be a little behind and ‘catch up’. You will have to prepare for graduate exams regardless if you are here or abroad.</p>

<p>For you and your mother, it is only a few months, and it seems unhealthy not to be able to separate for that time, you can still be in touch with skype and email. Both of you need a little perspective that this will be just a semester! You and your mother will still have the same worries, whether you are home or abroad, it seems. You don’t seem to be conveying to your family that this is something strategic for your future, as well as your development.</p>

<p>Finally make sure you apply for the Gilman scholarship. It is competitive, not automatic, but iirc, about 30% of applicants get the award, which isn’t bad odds. My daughter received 3 or 4 thousand.</p>

<p>Don’t get too caught up in post-grad plans just yet. Let it simmer on the back burner for the next year at least.</p>

<p>Good luck and keep us posted.</p>

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<p>Hello all, </p>

<p>It is time for a pretty big update. Thank you all for sticking with me on this matter. I’ve been thinking about everything, crunching numbers, soul-searching and planning out a multitude of things, and I’ve decided to defer my study abroad venture. I just don’t think I’m emotionally ready right now at 19 years-old, and with so much stress at home, I don’t know if I’d enjoy my trip or feel inherently guilty about it. </p>

<p>For now, it is officially deferred to the summer of 2014 (so this upcoming summer) for their first summer session (the end of June to the end July). Also, I explained my entire situation to one of the program directors, and they said they’d even let me defer it to the summer of 2015 if I needed to since I’ve put so much thought into it. (Normally you can only defer it for one year, so to the winter of 2015)</p>

<p>So, while I did that, I also crunched some numbers and realized that I could definitely afford the summer trip and, with some more time and resources, can probably earn enough for a semester abroad junior year (or possibly senior year). I’m meeting with my Writing and Rhetoric advisor tomorrow to plan out my major and see which semester I could take off, and I’m meeting with my French advisor at some point soon to do a similar analysis. </p>

<p>Also, I’ve realized that law school isn’t for me, so there’s no constraint and worry of studying for the LSAT and taking it sometime in my junior year, which totally clears my chest and gives me more leeway with all of this. Grad school for either French or rhetoric studies is still in contention, and I will explore those options as I continue with my schooling. </p>

<p>My mother’s situation hasn’t really changed, but we’re making it, and I’ve finally realized that it’s something I can’t lose myself in. This is the temporary in the here and now, but my direct and ultimate future depends on how I focus and handle things in the here and now as well. I’ll help as much as I can while keeping my eyes on my own, unique prize. </p>

<p>So, that’s how things stand now, and I feel like it’s the right thing for me. I can go for the summer session (and probably some time before/afterwards traveling around France) to get myself out there and immersed, and if this truly is for me and what I feel I want to do for the rest of my life, I can arrange an entire semester abroad later to gain more exposure and experience. I’ve grown a lot over the summer, and I’ve realized that it’s really not that black and white and, if you really want it, you can make it happen. </p>

<p>Thank you so much to everyone who has helped me with this, especially MYOS with your thoughtfulness and expertise in helping me improve my French and get on a good track for grad schools. I will certainly keep working on this matter to tailor it more to what I need, and I’m now confident that hard work pays off and that I can find the best situation. :)</p>

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<p>Thanks for the update and continued wishes for the best for you.</p>

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<p>harvestmoon, thanks for the update. We are rooting for you!</p>

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<p>Thank you for the update HarvestMoon. :)</p>

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<p>Like it a lot! Thanks for the update.</p>