I just need to say…taking an extra year to graduate from college is not a sign of failure. And shouldn’t be viewed as such.
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It depends on the kid, but that extra year can be more valuable later on. It was better for my career to have skipped grades and be able to complete my PhD when I’d just turned 24. Likewise my D will have longer to pursue a ballet career because she went to Kindergarten at 4 (late Nov birthday).
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I question the entire PhD quest :-).
I was telling my kid yesterday. He is in Singapore and was commenting about how disciplined the place was. I told him beware — that place will change you. Likewise a Phd will change you. Not always for the best. I have the standing to comment 
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Thank you for all your responses. In response to those saying that lots of people take longer than 4 years to graduate, it’s pretty where my son goes to college, and pretty rare among our social circle in general. All his high school friends he’s stayed in touch with have graduated in 4 years, so it’s hard for him not to feel like he did something wrong.
A lot of the private schools get you out by 4. They are very very keen. Princeton , for example, insists that you have no more than 8 semesters on campus.
It’s a very important life skill NOT to compare yourself and your achievements to those around you. Very important.
So what if it’s rare…it’s what is turning out to be right for your son…and that’s all that matters.
Surely you and your son knew that his graduation would be delayed long before graduation time. Sometimes the best lessons in life like this are unfortunately learned because they happen.
In the end, this extra year in college could actually turn out to be a positive gift. Try to view it that way.
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According to IPEDS,
Princeton 4 year graduation rate: 88%
6 year: 97%
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People take gap years. Those are not counted in what Princeton bothers about. But the ipeds data counts the years as 5 or 6 as a result. It is rare / non existent that some kid is allowed to be on campus in some class for 10 or 12 semesters.
Gap years for health reasons, bridge year abroad, poor grades so that they take time off to recuperate, to go work at a startup etc.
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Don’t feel sorry for him, don’t blame yourself, don’t overthink this. Tons of students don’t graduate in 4. Besides that, you’ve absolutely no way to know if it is because of his start in kindergarten. Besides THAT, he hasn’t done anything wrong – in 10 years, heck in 5, nobody will care.
You keep saying “it’s taking longer than we thought, but it’s all fine”. Don’t let him wallow in shame. Repeat, repeat, repeat the message that it’s awkward but not a crisis. Boys need comfort and empathy too (not that you don’t know that)
Good luck, and enjoy the time with him
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My DH took 10 years to finish college. But you’d never know that based on talking to him in a work environment, for example.
The average adult out there won’t give a rip that your son took >4 yr to graduate from college. Your son is not a failure or a loser just because he took >4 yr to graduate. He should be proud of himself for sticking with it and finishing.
He should probably lay off of social media for awhile. I guarantee you that his friends are not all living their best rock star lives ALL of the time. It’s not always sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops.
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Exactly. My DH got his bachelors on the 12 year plan, attending four different colleges. He had a very very successful career as an engineer. Believe me, no one would know that he didn’t graduate in four years from a college.
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This is a hard lesson to learn but it’s very important.
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You don’t mention any issues until late in high school. So I find it hard to believe that him being a younger kid was the issue. If that was the case, you would have noticed it in elementary school most of all.
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He shouldn’t feel that he “did something wrong.”
In my area, the majority of high schoolers attend four year residential colleges. I work with high schoolers professionally. A substantial number of them don’t graduate in four years. The most common reasons:
- switched majors
- poor grades (very common since Covid, when MANY students struggled)
- took gap years or gap semesters to study abroad and credits don’t transfer
- mental health breaks
- deciding to continue on to medical school or similar and needing more required classes
College graduates are all adults now. They don’t care about their friends’ graduation time frames.
Is your son perhaps still stuck in a high school mind set? He might benefit from talking to a counselor who can help him gain perspective on what seems to be an overreaction.
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Age is relative and no one cares about the number of years it took you to graduate once you start working. Help him square away his mental health and I’m sure everything will fall into place for him.
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This conversation is reminding me that our children (even when they are young adults) look to us for how we model our responses to their challenges and setbacks.
Just as we help shape our children’s reactions and takeaways from college admission results. Do we act as if a denial of admission says something about our child’s worth? Or do we acknowledge that even the best amongst us get told no sometimes and need to know how to (or learn how to) move forward.
Your son needs another year to complete college. Are you reacting with pride that he is willing to continue working hard and finishing college? Are you pushing back (with love) against his negative self talk? Or are you agreeing that somehow this is awful and he shouldn’t have to deal with it? Or that he is ‘less than’ his high school peers (many of whom I am sure have had trial and tribulations even if you aren’t aware of them)?
One of the things I’ve told my kids as they’ve gotten older is an old saying:
When I was in my 20s I worried about what everyone else thought of me, In my 30s I decided to ignore what everyone else thought of me And when I hit my 40s, I realized - no one had been thinking of me at all.
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OP, I was a year ahead in elementary school. Due to various family/emotional issues, I did not graduate grad school when my classmates did. It was due to where I was in my life handling some serious big life problems. Had nothing to do with my age. I spent several years blaming myself and ended up dropping out with a semester left to finish. Until my dean tracked me down and told me to buckle up and graduate. I listened to her and I’m so glad I did. That little piece of advice led to my accepting that I didn’t put 100% into my grad school years (though for perfectly acceptable and guilt free reasons). But finishing was 100% in my control and it didn’t matter that it was evening school where I didn’t know anyone else. That decision opened so many doors for me - professionally and personally because before that, frankly I had put myself on a self destructive path due to “shame” of what I considered failing. Now, 20 years later, it matters not a bit when I graduated - only that I graduated.
If you can encourage him to just keep going and not worry about where he is compared to his friends, that would be helpful to him. But it almost sounds like you’re having a similar defeatist mindset about it. Please flip that around so you can help him see that he should be proud of his accomplishments and keep going.
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My therapist told me the same thing.
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Agreed. Another important life skill is to not see everything as black and white/all or nothing. These are both things I still work on internalizing as an adult and simultaneously trying to help my kids learn. Just because you take longer to graduate, all is not lost, you just take another year. Just because you don’t get into the top school you dreamed of, it doesn’t mean all is lost, it just means you’ll graduate from elsewhere. That’s what I mean by all or nothing. It’s also what I think builds resilience and adaptability so sometimes it’s a blessing in disguise and truly where we learn the big life lessons (not in some degree program). Life will throw curveballs (from relationship issues to kid issues to job loss) / handling those curveballs without falling apart is so important. You can fall apart a little; but then you have to pick up and keep going.
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Same, lol. I went to three different grad schools and finished a 3 year program in 5 years. And don’t even work in the field I graduated in. But it still opened doors and I’m super proud of my achievements.
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