<p>Talk about your ups and downs - my D is accepted ED at Yale on the 15th of December and on the 28th we get my S college grade report and he is sinking like a stone at his mid-size state school.
No, we never compare one to the other. S was always a struggling student who was only accepted at 2 state schools and went to the one farther away and out of our metro area. 1st semester he makes the Dean's list and we are ecstatic. 2nd semester he does ok, but has problems with calculus, which was not surprising given his scholastic history. 3rd semester, this fall, he has two Fs, two Ds, a C and a B. I know, what was he doing taking all those classes, 19 hours, after a rough 2nd semester. We have always let him make his own decisions, with our input, but they are his decisisions.
Ok, so now the question. He is registered for 12 hours next semester, but we are very reluctant to even let him go back. We think he needs to grow up and face reality, i.e. a job, to let him see what the real world is like and form his own conclusion as to why he should continue towards his degree. If we let him go back for this semester under the guise of "do better, or else" are we not just setting him up for failure?
Don't misunderstand me, he is a good kid, who everyone likes. He just doesn't have that drive to succeed in his classes. Even when he made Dean's List his 1st semester, he was embarrassed by it. He has become socially active for the 1st time at college. He has nice roomates and good friends at school. He has good friends at home. What is the problem? We don't know.
How can we shake him out of the doldrums?</p>
<p>We don't know. He is off with friends for a few days and doesn't get back home until tonight. He doesn't even know waht his grades are, although I am sure he suspects.</p>
<p>It sounds like he is doing well in everything but school work. I would ask him what he wants to do and then LISTEN. If he wants to go back to school, I would support his decision with the understanding that Ds and Fs are not acceptable and if he continues with those grades you won't be financially responsible for his schooling. If he doesn't want to go back, then it is time to get a job, or join the peace corp, or a similar program. Shaking him out of his doldrums is something that isn't really possible . It has to come from within. Everyone can't be good students. Some people do better in life than in school.</p>
<p>It's not as if he went off to college and immediately fell flat on his face. How was his freshman year? This is one horrible semester after a decent 1 1/3 years? Will the school take any action, ie putting him on probation for two Fs? I would definitely let him go back for another shot at it with a lighter load and hopefully some less challenging classes.</p>
<p>Does this mean your S took 6 classes? I thought students are expected to take 4 only? And did he have to take calculus?
If he received grades such as these, will he be on probation? He really needs to talk to some dean and/or academic advisor. I know that you want to let him make decisions on his own, but the fact is most students need some advice choosing courses, and being prodded into seeking help (and knowing where to find it). That is why LACs are touted over large or even mid-size schools, whether public or private. It's not what happens inside classrooms, it's not the qualifications of the teachers or even whether they value research over teaching: it's the advising and support structure.
I am a bit concerned that your S was embarrassed by being on the Dean's List. It suggests that academic achievement may not be considered cool among his friends. I am also concerned that a young man who is not motivated to excel in college may stay out once he drops out. It may be that a liberal arts education is not the way for him to go and that he might be more enthusiastic about a more practical curriculum such as is available in technical colleges.</p>
<p>Marite,
We are struggling with the whole independence issue. Being at school and on his own has done wonders for S. He appears to be doing well at everything but school. Tonight will be the big discussion and I promise that I will listen. He has to decide what he wants to do, but I want to know what the problem is. This slide started 2nd semester last year and is on a vertical plane at this point.
We will have to see what he has to say.</p>
<p>UMDAD-- i think you need to determine why he took such a heavy load, why he ended up in Calculus (is it a requirement for his major, and if so, should he rethink the major?), and if it's a question of time managment, i.e. if he'd only taken 4 classes he could have done all B's, whereas with 6 classes he ended up ignoring or barely keeping up...</p>
<p>Once you understand the dynamic, i think you need to explain that he needs to see his academic counselor and/or the dean, to come up with a plan to make sure he's successful for the balance of the year, and then back-off. You can't go to class with him; you can't do the work for him, but you can help him gain some perspective on how the time/effort ratio needs to work for him.</p>
<p>Thanks to all of you for your input - it has been very helpful and thought provoking. We will be sitting down with our S this evening to discuss his immediate and longer term future. Thanks again.</p>
<p>You need to sit down and have a talk with your son. He will probably be put on academic probation of sorts anyways. If he really wants to stay at his school and is willing to commit to putting in a concerted effort to bring up those grades next term with a lighter schedule, that may be an option but you may want to see what courses he is taking. He should then retake the failed courses this summer at communtity college and pay for them himself. That should put a dent in his summer fun and he will see directly what cost and sweat it takes to make up two failed courses. </p>
<p>My son who just graduated had a couple of bad terms. He dropped a big deal course that really set him back in his requirements because he was failing it and got enough D's to make us wonder if he belonged at the school. He did manage to get through though not with as ambitious of a course load as he should have, and he did pound salt one summer taking a tough course at a local college even as he held down a full time plus job, gave lessons, bussed at a local country club kitchen He had absolutely no time to hang with friends and was miserable, but he did learn exactly what the cost of dropping that 5 credit course was.</p>
<p>My friend's son was never good at math, squeaked by a precalc course in college, dropped calc twice and just failed it for the second time. It is required for his major which is in aviation at his college. He cannot fail it a third time. He needs an extra semester to graduate,and his mother, a good friend of mine is going to have him take the course at a local college this summer armed with a tutor since so much is at stake for that course. He is not a great student overall, but she is relieved that he will most likely graduate just a semester behind; the reason being that he could not get any of the courses he wanted a couple of times at this very big university where he goes. So she is willing to make concessions. She has another child who graduated from a top college and is now in law school. She does not bother to compare the two kids. Just wants to get S through and on his own two feet.</p>
<p>It isn't that uncommon to have these issues with kids. I would not have bet a dime that my son was going to get through college in years. It took my nephew 6, but then he accelerated. It seems like some of these kids, particularly boys, take some time before they engage in the process.</p>
<p>Boy...the situation sounds so familiar! I was actually a top student in high school but since I knew nothing about college applications and applying, I only applied to Harvard and Stanford (which would have reaches...but no one told me). I ended up going to my state university and bombed. I was burnt out from high school, totally unmotivated and surrounded by people that were so glad to be free of parental supervision they partied all day and night. I flunked out in 3 semesters and my parents told me I needed to face reality and get a job...I did, but I never went back to school (i continue to take classes here and there, but still working toward a degree 20 years later).</p>
<p>I would make these suggestions:</p>
<p>Switch schools to a smaller school. Smaller classes and a smaller school mean more accountability, more personal attention...this would have made a huge difference to me. I notice the difference, because I have now attended classes at about 6 different schools. this may not be a problem, you did not say how big the school was.</p>
<p>Set him up for success! I was so determined to prove that I could do great (after bombing the first semester) that I took 19 hours...what was I thinking!! Only let him take 12 hours! for 2 semester until he is really doing good...if it takes him an extra year to complete school...at least he completed it.</p>
<p>Discuss his peer group with him...what they value will be reflected in what he values, and believe me, many do not value education.</p>
<p>Consider a school closer to home, possibly having him live at home. It may be that he cannot handle both living on his own and school at this time, and believe me...school is the most important right now. he will have plenty of time to master living on his own.</p>
<p>It went well. S admitted to personal problems and that he has been seeing a counselor at school. He will stick to only 12 hours for next term and concentrate on succeeding in those classes. He also agreed to consult with his academic counselor to see if the two of them can come up with a way out of the mess that has been created. Also, no more calculus.
S knew this was coming so we had an open, friendly discussion, with no recriminations in either direction. He knows he needs to get his act together this upcoming semester.
Meanwhile, D sent in the postcard accepting the Yale ED offer of admission and is in the process of terminating her other applications.
We are all moving forward.</p>
<p>I'm glad the discussion went well. I hope that the personal problems were temporary and that your S will be able to put them behind him. Your S needs to have a realistic assessment of his general career goals and his academic strengths and weaknesses. He may need to take summer classes to make up for the Fs and D's, or perhaps spend an extra semester to get the credits needed for graduation. But perhaps this experience will teach him to make studying a priority and not taking on more than he can handle either in terms of credit hours or level of difficulty. I still wonder how your S was allowed to take on so many classes and why his difficulties were not caught earlier. Let's hope that his academic advisor will pay closer attention to his progress.
Congratulations on your D's Yale acceptance.</p>